Feel like I was hit by a truck...

[thisyoungdad]

I don't really know what to title this one. I am surprised I am even writing this. So I am looking for a new place to live, a rental, for various reasons. So I am looking tonight on Craigslist and I see a place so I click on it and I think to myself "that house looks familiar" so I map it and sure enough it was right around the corner 2 blocks from the house I had with my almost ex wife, we walked by it every day with our young daughter and our dog. Instantly happy, pleasant memories came flooding back and it was like I could not stop staring at the map and feeling this horrible feeling in my gut. Then I started to cry. I have not had that feeling or cried in a long time, in fact I really feel I have made incredible progress in detaching and moving on. It was almost like I got hit by the truck that carried all kinds of painful feelings.

All that ran through my head were the pictures of all those beautiful sunsets (we had a beautiful view of the sunsets and the water where we lived) and the warm nights we would walk around that part of our neighborhood. It was a neighborhood from the late 60's so very quiet and perfect to walk the dog and baby around. The sweet neighbor's faces all came back to me and how we knew everyone at least by sight.The feelings I had at the time when I thought my dreams were coming true, that life was good, and really when I thought I had all I ever wanted... . all before the storm really hit and I really was forced to start noticing and paying attention to the bad stuff... . It was like I couldn't stop the memories... . even if they were tainted or not the entire reality of the situation. Then the pain of wondering if any of it was ever true and if not how could I ever have been so wrong?

Do other people have moments like that even after a decent amount of time (it has been 16 months since she left, 13 since she really decided on divorce) where they find themselves suddenly in the midst of those memories or some level of pain they thought they had moved past? And given this reaction do these emotions ever go away?

[Changingman]

I look into the faces of my children and feel love. I'm so indifferent about their uBPD mum now. Having found out about BPD I have had a very emotionless 'what could have been' thought.

But the knowing it will always be and why it is was there.

It's a shame

It becomes much different as time passes

[thisyoungdad]

That is usually what I have, the emotionless or almost emotionless moments of wondering. Usually even if there is a little emotion is nothing too bad I can't just push aside and remember but for some reason, and maybe because I purposely avoid that part of town or what ever the reason is but it just felt really painful. Sometimes, like in that moment, I want to essentially run and hide and never look back... . or at least run and never look back. But with sharing 50/50 custody as of now I don't feel that I can really move very far except the other side of the city which really is not that far away.

[arn131arn]

In my state you cannot move >75 miles from where your kids live... .

I'm moving 74.99999999999999999999999 miles away when I start my Engineering school in August.

As far away from her as I can, yet close enough to see my son every other weekend and twice a week

[Lady31]

thisyoungdad,

I'm sorry for you hurt and sadness.  YES - I can relate to you.  Not apart for quite as long.  I left last Feb., we lived in different parts of the house since the Dec. before that.  Got the divorce finalized mid August.  Still occasionally have those very sad moments.  Have no desire to date or move forward in the relationship arena.  Still wish it could have been different.  I have very limited contact with him.

Yes it is sad and painful.  I am taking a different approach than some I think.  I am not actively forcing myself to try to get over him.  I don't feel a need or desire to hurry up and get over my marriage as I don't want another relationship.  I am just leaving it kind of "there" as I pray through and try to invest my energy in my future plans for other areas of my life.  Kind of feel like that's God job at this point to change my heart when it comes to my husband... . and until He does... . well, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. 

Sorry my friend.  I know the feeling when the memories sneak up on you like that.

[imstronghere2]

Do other people have moments like that even after a decent amount of time (it has been 16 months since she left, 13 since she really decided on divorce) where they find themselves suddenly in the midst of those memories or some level of pain they thought they had moved past? And given this reaction do these emotions ever go away?

Sure do but after 2.5 years, they're becoming less frequent thankfully.  I for one don't believe the pain will ever fully go away.  We just become better equipped in dealing with the pain and the emotions that go with it.   I was with mine for 22 years, 19 of those married.  I now have sole custody of our 14 year old son.  Our daughter turned 18 right before our divorce and was therefore emancipated.  My daughter stayed with me though and has always been active in my life and her brother's life.  They don't interact with their mother much and I never do.  NC is the ONLY way to live.

[thisyoungdad]

Thanks for the responses. This was all helpful. I can move as far away as I want but we have 50/50 custody so I have my daughter every Wed & Thur and every other weekend. And since we have to make all parenting decisions like preschool together I would be doing a ton of driving so leaving the city is an option but doesn't feel very feasible. Plus I have a lot of support here and she has some great little friends so I am not sure I can really move far. When we moved after selling our house though it was a very quick sale thank god and so my ex actually found my rental house, she just saw it first. She has a rental 4 blocks away which in a lot of ways has been nice except the past 6 months when the reality it was really over hit. A big part of it involves the fact she found the house, she had to cosign for my lease (I will still need someone) and there is just a lot of reasons staying feels like I am unable to really let go.  I like the area even and did find I like that is bigger and still within a mile of her in the same area but not the same house. Not sure if just changing houses would help or not. My daughter really does love that we live so close together. The closer I get to having to make a decision the more torn and conflicted and hurt I feel.

[theirdad]

I can relate to the unexpected emotions. I'm a year out from the split.  Two small kids.  Just experienced something like that myself.  Blindsided me with a flood of emotion, sadness etc.  Also a lot of good memories came out of nowhere adding fuel to the fire.  Hang in there.  You are not alone.