treat BPD by myself at home?

[Quantendynamik]

Hello,

I am just wondering would it be possible to help my wife with BPD on some practices that may help on our own.

I understand that resources on this topic suggests finding an experienced professional for BPD treatment. 

However, there a few things under my concern:

. We have another problem in the family (not related to BPD) that requires a lot of time and efforts.  Therefore seeking professional help won't be likely to happen in a couple of months.

. I have concerned that being labelled as BPD would make her feel negative about herself, and therefore make it harder to actually make efforts.  So far, I have never bring up the BPD word to her, but explain traits and reasons, telling her that her feeling and consequential actions problems would be resolved with proper practices.

. My wife with BPD is cooperating, acknowledging her issues, and would work with me on practices and steps that may help her.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

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[Love Is Not Enough]

I have been around and around with doing something like this in my head for over two years now. I have not been able to find a DBT therapist nearby and I could never figure out how to get to see one anyway. We had an incident (you can read my old posts for details) where I was able to demand for her to see a T. I did manage to find one an hour away, so it has been a bit of a challenge with full time work and two toddlers. Three sessions so far and it is helping as my gf is self aware of her issues. I do not think the T has told her about BPD, but I am sure it will come up one day.

Before all of this happened I had considered giving her the The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. I have read most of it and it seems like a great resource. It does not mention BPD anywhere... . Until you flip it over and read the information on the back. It also talks about bulimia and some other similar issues that DBT has been found to be effective for. I had even considered ripping off the back cover and giving it to her that way. I am pretty sure a "diagnosis" from me would trigger her so I never worked up the nerve to do it.

The main problem is this: Trying to perform "therapy" as a self-trained person on someone you are emotionally involved with. Not only are you dealing with her BPD, but you are also tossing in whatever issues you have going on between you. First of all you are not a professional, even though sometimes you may feel like one with all of the "experience" you have had with your pwBPD and the many hours you have spent researching the topic. You are just too close to this person for them to be able to focus on the therapy. There are things that must be discussed with them that they will gladly accept form an uninvolved third party, but not from you. They may perceive it as some sort of an attack or that you are trying to manipulate them into your own agenda. This is one of those situations where a impartial professional is required. Especially with something as complicated and reactive as BPD.

I have turned over my gf's treatment to her T and so far it has been good. I would like to be more involved, but I have been using the time to work on myself instead. Take the time and consider finding a T. It may take you a few months to work out the details, but it would be worth it in my opinion. Until then you can work through the lessons on this site and practice them when situations arise. I have found that by changing how I interact with her has helped immensely. Especially setting boundaries. Good luck and let us know how it is going.

[Quantendynamik]

Thanks a lot for your reply, Love Is Not Enough (and this statement is so true!).

A lot of great points and experiences shared.  I will work on my interactions with her and search for a good T for us. 

I have been around and around with doing something like this in my head for over two years now. I have not been able to find a DBT therapist nearby and I could never figure out how to get to see one anyway. We had an incident (you can read my old posts for details) where I was able to demand for her to see a T. I did manage to find one an hour away, so it has been a bit of a challenge with full time work and two toddlers. Three sessions so far and it is helping as my gf is self aware of her issues. I do not think the T has told her about BPD, but I am sure it will come up one day.

Before all of this happened I had considered giving her the The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. I have read most of it and it seems like a great resource. It does not mention BPD anywhere... . Until you flip it over and read the information on the back. It also talks about bulimia and some other similar issues that DBT has been found to be effective for. I had even considered ripping off the back cover and giving it to her that way. I am pretty sure a "diagnosis" from me would trigger her so I never worked up the nerve to do it.

The main problem is this: Trying to perform "therapy" as a self-trained person on someone you are emotionally involved with. Not only are you dealing with her BPD, but you are also tossing in whatever issues you have going on between you. First of all you are not a professional, even though sometimes you may feel like one with all of the "experience" you have had with your pwBPD and the many hours you have spent researching the topic. You are just too close to this person for them to be able to focus on the therapy. There are things that must be discussed with them that they will gladly accept form an uninvolved third party, but not from you. They may perceive it as some sort of an attack or that you are trying to manipulate them into your own agenda. This is one of those situations where a impartial professional is required. Especially with something as complicated and reactive as BPD.

I have turned over my gf's treatment to her T and so far it has been good. I would like to be more involved, but I have been using the time to work on myself instead. Take the time and consider finding a T. It may take you a few months to work out the details, but it would be worth it in my opinion. Until then you can work through the lessons on this site and practice them when situations arise. I have found that by changing how I interact with her has helped immensely. Especially setting boundaries. Good luck and let us know how it is going.

[duncanville1]

Unfortunately even if you were a licensed practicing therapist you are not in a position to treat your spouse. You would lack the impartial third party perspective needed for treatment. This is a walk you can both do together, but one you cannot lead.   

[Quantendynamik]

Thanks for your answer.  That is a very good point.

Unfortunately even if you were a licensed practicing therapist you are not in a position to treat your spouse. You would lack the impartial third party perspective needed for treatment. This is a walk you can both do together, but one you cannot lead.   

[Chosen]

Unfortunately even if you were a licensed practicing therapist you are not in a position to treat your spouse. You would lack the impartial third party perspective needed for treatment. This is a walk you can both do together, but one you cannot lead.   

This, and also you have to know that many pwBPDs may paint their therapist black (maybe subconsciously trying to get away from changing their current communication methods).  Even if you are a therapist, first and foremost you are a spouse, and do you really want to be "opposite" her? 

I suppose you can read up on BPD and treatment methods- don't call it treating, but there are certainly things you can do to help her.  There are some DBT exercises you can do WITH her (i.e. you're on the same line with her, not opposite her).  Maybe the best is for you to be her cheerleader and encourage her to help herself.

[joshbjoshb]

Let me add my words into the mix. The reason why you try treating her might be the fact that you still somehow feel responsible, or even guilty, for her situation.

The most healing moment for me was that I understood that I did nothing, nor am I to blame for any of her outburst or attacks. I have NOTHING to do with it.

Yes, I might learn ways to handle them better, and learn what are her triggers so I won't pull them, or learn how to validate to help her cope. But even if I do none of it, I am still a normal person. I am not rude, not abusive, not a control freak. All of what she says is part of her BPD, not my personality.

[That is, of course, if indeed you are 100% sure you didn't wrong her, or abused her. You have to take a real look at yourself. If, however, you are always being nice, calm, not yelling, not forcing her to do things she doesn't like etc., than most likely all of those words are just BPD rants that have little true meaning to YOU]

The second moment of healing is when you realize that you can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. I think I made true progress in my relationship after finding out that most likely she has BPD. But she will still be upset of others, have this major lack of self esteem, very rocky relationships with her family. All of it will have a direct impact on you and your children.

So perhaps do learn how to handle the situation better (someone should sponsor for us crisis mangament seminar ) but stop trying to change her, or to act like a therapist.

[Quantendynamik]

I like your idea on crisis management seminar

Yeah, I stopped feeling guilty or responsible and understand that is nothing personal after reading about BPD. 

Being in a relationship, it is just hard to be totally indifferent to the one you love.  I totally agree that there are things needs to be done on the BPD side and there are things we cannot do. 

Thanks for sharing. 

Let me add my words into the mix. The reason why you try treating her might be the fact that you still somehow feel responsible, or even guilty, for her situation.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I read your intro post and I wanted to add something. Your MIL is probably complicating things and causing your wife to trigger more than she would if her mother wasn't there.

When I first started dating my gf, her BPD mother moved in with her. My gf has a ton of unresolved issues with her from being neglected and abandoned as a child. My gf had hoped they could reconcile their relationship, but unfortunately her mother just used her for housing. My gf began dysregulating all the time and became extremely abusive towards ME. Not her mother of course. This when she also began burning herself again. I suffered greatly during this time and this is when I figured out she was struggling with BPD with the help of my T.

She ended up having a huge falling out with her mother and has been NC for over a year now. She has improved greatly on her own since her mother left. What I am getting at is it would probably help your wife a great deal to give her some distance from her mother. Not sure if this an option or not, but I have a good feeling it would improve your situation and make treatment more beneficial.

[Quantendynamik]

Thanks for making the efforts to check on my intro post and reply. 

I now realize that this is exactly why this site is so helpful because people like you.

I agree that my MIL is definitely adding to the problem.  It just that the belief of taking care of her mom is quite deep in their head, I am sure bringing it up would be another trigger.  However, that is the right thing to do.  We will have a window for I think at least 6 months in this year where her mom has to be away.  I will find a good time to talk this over. 

Thanks again for sharing your experience and suggestions.

Thanks for the MIL for adding the last straw which makes me realize that I cannot work on my own, there is something on their sides, and start looking for help. 

I read your intro post and I wanted to add something. Your MIL is probably complicating things and causing your wife to trigger more than she would if her mother wasn't there.

When I first started dating my gf, her BPD mother moved in with her. My gf has a ton of unresolved issues with her from being neglected and abandoned as a child. My gf had hoped they could reconcile their relationship, but unfortunately her mother just used her for housing. My gf began dysregulating all the time and became extremely abusive towards ME. Not her mother of course. This when she also began burning herself again. I suffered greatly during this time and this is when I figured out she was struggling with BPD with the help of my T.

She ended up having a huge falling out with her mother and has been NC for over a year now. She has improved greatly on her own since her mother left. What I am getting at is it would probably help your wife a great deal to give her some distance from her mother. Not sure if this an option or not, but I have a good feeling it would improve your situation and make treatment more beneficial.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Thanks for making the efforts to check on my intro post and reply. 

I now realize that this is exactly why this site is so helpful because people like you.

I agree that my MIL is definitely adding to the problem.  It just that the belief of taking care of her mom is quite deep in their head, I am sure bringing it up would be another trigger.  However, that is the right thing to do.  We will have a window for I think at least 6 months in this year where her mom has to be away.  I will find a good time to talk this over. 

Thanks again for sharing your experience and suggestions.

Thanks for the MIL for adding the last straw which makes me realize that I cannot work on my own, there is something on their sides, and start looking for help. 

You are welcome. This site is great. I wish I had gotten involved the day I found out about BPD!

You are right about your wife wanting to care for her mother. Especailly if she is NPD and your wife is BPD. They are probably locked into a very dysfunctional realationhip. I have reseaerched this dynamic a great deal and I find it fascinating. I hope you find some resolution for this and I hope your wife improves. She is lucky to have an understanding and loving husband. I hope you are taking care of yourself though. Don't forget you!