I want to be on good terms

[Depression = 72% of members]

I keep wanting to break NC to make things on good terms with him. Although I know whatever I say will be twisted or taken the wrong way as it has been in the past. But we used to be great friends and I wish oh how I wish we could be on good terms and that he didn't think so badly about him.

He's hurt me so much but all I want is to forgive him. And I think that says something about me and proves that I'm not the bhit queen from hell that he for some reason he thinks I am.

I just wish we could be on good terms. But I've tried, ive tried so hard in the past and he just won't forgive me "betraying his trust" or whatever he thinks I did almost a year ago.

[Littleopener]

I keep wanting to break NC to make things on good terms with him. Although I know whatever I say will be twisted or taken the wrong way as it has been in the past. But we used to be great friends and I wish oh how I wish we could be on good terms and that he didn't think so badly about him.

He's hurt me so much but all I want is to forgive him. And I think that says something about me and proves that I'm not the bhit queen from hell that he for some reason he thinks I am.

I just wish we could be on good terms. But I've tried, ive tried so hard in the past and he just won't forgive me "betraying his trust" or whatever he thinks I did almost a year ago.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry Little.  I can totally relate to what you're feeling.

If yours was anything like mine, times were good and you were great friends before you got close enough to trigger the disorder.  Once you do get close and he gets triggered, the pathology takes over, all those repressed emotions from the original trauma he experienced come bubbling up, he can't handle the emotions, they're just too strong, and one of the tools he uses to cope is to off all of that on you and make you the scapegoat.  All of that is extremely painful as you just want to love and care for him.  Sad.

Remember that the fact that you got so close that the disorder got triggered means you mattered a great deal, more than he could deal with actually.  Serious Mental Illness.

Time to look very deeply into your motivation for wanting to contact him, the real reason.  Accepting fully that he has a personality disorder and is incapable of giving you whatever you're really looking for is difficult, but it's the only way.  That was the toughest part for me, realizing that the relationship I was in was largely a fiction in my head, a fiction that looked just like her, but I didn't know at the time that she was having an entirely different experience, experiencing an entirely different reality than I was, and didn't have the skills to communicate it to me.  Very sobering, very sad, to fully accept that we were in relationships with folks with serious mental illnesses, but a necessary part of our detaching and healing.  Take care of you!

[santa]

Good luck with that. 

[Moonie75]

'Good' terms with a partner/friend who always brings matters to a 'bad' ending?

And not once, twice or whatever... . REPEATEDLY!

See that?     'good' & 'bad'!

Contradictory!

Can't / won't happen!


Sorry but that is the naked undiluted truth of it.

[happylogist]

If it is for you to reach some kind of closure, you can try. But before you do you have to be feeling that your boundaries are there and those are strong, you are firm in your values, you don't feel acute hurt, you generally feel ready to face him and understand the risks with being painted/black.

[MellowOddFellow]

it almost brings a tear to my eyes to think about a fond memory.

how we used to joke and make up this "world" built around the idea that we were both inside our own little paradox.

it was so true, i just wished i knew the true meaning... .


forever caught in the thin line between a fantasy loop and eternity of self contradiction.

unachievable closure from unachievable reality

ill never look at the word Paradox the same... .

[CoasterRider]

The only thing I have done since my break up that I am proud of is not contacting  him. No matter how difficult it has been not having closure. As well as knowing his opinion of me and what he says attempts to discredit the decent, good and loving person I am. Those around us and his friends and family as well as myself know the trust. As Im sure those associates around you, know as well. You want to reach out for validation that it wasn't all for nothing, to feel like he still has good thoughts about you. You're looking for answers in all the wrong places by attempting to reach out to him. If he is truly BPD, he is telling himself one of two things

if you contact him: "jeeze my crazy ex cant get over it, im glad I left her"

he only needs to validate to himself he was in control and made a logical and conscientious decisions to leave you because of your faults

if you dont contact him: "see she never cared about me, I havent heard from her once since we broke up"

Its a loose loose for you, you like me remember the times and him as someone who is playing with a full deck of cards. In reality he only has a few cards in which to play very few hands with. You want to reach out expecting a emotionally mature and thoughtful response, or for him to show some sort of guilt or remorse for his decision. Borderlines are incapable of this. You're only going to end up undoing all the progress you have made to get over him.

[Clearmind]

He hurts you but you want to forgive him... .

Opener, for many of us we go through our own shame after the demise of these relationships. We seek out our ex's to rectify this shame - however we are searching all in the wrong places. We need to also heal - which is completely independent of them. We attached to a Borderline and continue to attach for a variety of reasons which can take some time to seek out.

There is something innate in us (me) that drew us to and will continue to keep us "attached" - we can label it shame - which translates to "I did something bad" - and want contact with our ex's to make it all OK - gain validation from them. The hard thing to wrap our heads around is that our ex's are completely invalidating to us so we never relinquish this shame with contact with them - it will make it worse.

So if you want contact by all means reach out - sometimes its good to test our own boundaries - I encourage contact not NC because you detach a lot quicker - as you are faced with the dysfunction rather than ruminating thoughts.

I have seen it so many times where members are NC for year a two - ex contact them and they are back posting on the boards all cut up! NC does not work on its own. We have to put in the work - 1) understand BPD 2) understand why we were drawn to a toxic relationship

[fromheeltoheal]

So if you want contact by all means reach out - sometimes its good to test our own boundaries - I encourage contact not NC because you detach a lot quicker - as you are faced with the dysfunction rather than ruminating thoughts.

Yes!  I concur.  I discovered BPD after the relationship ended, started learning about it, and then got a few voice mails and emails from her, that I didn't respond to, but by then her whole shtick was totally transparent to me, and it was both refreshing and shocking that something that worked so well on me for so long now seemed pathetic and disgusting.  And it did help with detachment as I saw the entire relationship in a healthier light.