Commencing divorce proceedings

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All - Currently separated six months from my uBPD w of 1.5 years, living in different countries. We got married in a no-fault divorce state. I am from UK. No children, not much joint property, just furniture from our apartment (which she is welcome to, except for a few sentimental bits and bobs of my own). She has now asked me repeatedly for a divorce (she cannot file as the law in her country requires a minimum 12 month separation). So its up to me and I am prepared to file to put this all behind me once and for all.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer, but before I go I would like some advice/tips as to strategy. My main concern is that while my wife recently said she would not contest, she has previously said she would and had been emailing and telling me how much she misses me. She is still going through occasional push-pull attempts.

Should I be prepared for high conflict and file on the basis of her unreasonableness, just to pre-empt any contest on her part? As I say, this is a low-value case, so financially I'm not sure what, if anything, she would be entitled to - but are there other potential claims I should be aware of?

Also, as she is pushing for the divorce but I am the one filing, should i claim at least half assets/divorce/removal costs or is that a risky strategy that may make her contest? If I get it from her in writing that she agrees to contribute x amount and that she will not contest should that be enough?

Sorry about the newbie questions.

Any ideas would be much appreciated.

S

[Sammamish]

Hi All - Currently separated six months from my uBPD w of 1.5 years, living in different countries. We got married in a no-fault divorce state. I am from UK. No children, not much joint property, just furniture from our apartment (which she is welcome to, except for a few sentimental bits and bobs of my own). She has now asked me repeatedly for a divorce (she cannot file as the law in her country requires a minimum 12 month separation). So its up to me and I am prepared to file to put this all behind me once and for all.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer, but before I go I would like some advice/tips as to strategy. My main concern is that while my wife recently said she would not contest, she has previously said she would and had been emailing and telling me how much she misses me. She is still going through occasional push-pull attempts.

Should I be prepared for high conflict and file on the basis of her unreasonableness, just to pre-empt any contest on her part? As I say, this is a low-value case, so financially I'm not sure what, if anything, she would be entitled to - but are there other potential claims I should be aware of?

Also, as she is pushing for the divorce but I am the one filing, should i claim at least half assets/divorce/removal costs or is that a risky strategy that may make her contest? If I get it from her in writing that she agrees to contribute x amount and that she will not contest should that be enough?

Sorry about the newbie questions.

Any ideas would be much appreciated.

S

[livednlearned]

Hi Sammamish,

So it sounds like you are planning on filing first... . in the UK? In which case do you have to file based on cause?

In terms of what is likely to cause her to contest... . divorce is very triggering. Receiving legal documents in the mail is difficult even for those of us who don't have BPD. Instead of negotiating with yourself first (anticipating her reactions and adjusting what you offer before she has even responded), find out what the guidelines are and use that for solid footing. Give yourself a little room to negotiate by asking for more than what you expect so you can come down and meet her halfway -- which is likely somewhere in the ballpark of what's fair.

If I could do things all over, I would focus on closing all the loopholes in our consent order and put my energies there instead of trying to second-guess my ex. For example, I wish I had written out consequences for non-compliance in clear terms. If N/BPDx was supposed to give me the title to my car and didn't, then the consequence would be that he pays my legal fees if I had to go to court to get him to sign over the title. Same for refinancing the house. It turns out that's what the judge ordered anyway, but now I have to pay a lawyer to collect the legal fees. Maybe if N/BPDx knew what the consequence was, I could've avoided paying an attorney to find out what the judge would rule.  

Think carefully about all the different ways she could obstruct this, and then plan accordingly. Wondering if your actions will or won't trigger her -- I think you might have to let go of thinking you can control that outcome, unfortunately.

[Sammamish]

Livednlearned - thanks for the very useful advice. Yes, I will be filing in the UK. I have no idea how this will work in practice so I will need to do some research, though I am hoping my lawyer will be able to advise.

I'm wondering, if I have written evidence from my wife to the effect that she wants me to file, and she says she will not contest, will this make it any easier? Even in the event that she changes her mind? I have plenty of email evidence about how much she hates me and about her unreasonable behaviour (last time we saw each other I ended up with a black eye).

At this point I don't really want to bring up her unreasonable behaviour unless absolutely necessary, and as she has asked me repeatedly to file I see no reason to do so - though as you say, I should be prepared for the worst.

Thanks again

S

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps you can ask the lawyer whether you can file for a simple hopefully uncontested divorce, perhaps even including in the filing her statements that she wouldn't contest, and yet still be able to bring in the other documentation at a later time in case she contests?

It seems prudent to try the less-triggering approach while still reserving for yourself the option to submit the other documentation if needed.  Just make sure you don't gift away that legal option to protect/defend yourself.

Generally distance is a protection.  In this case, her distance from court may also reduce the risk of high conflict.  On the other hand, it might make it easier for her to obstruct or delay by mere inaction.  Be sure to have a strategy for either possibility.

[livednlearned]

I'm not sure what it's like in the UK, but here, a verbal or written agreement that one party won't contest -- I don't think it would mean much in court.

For example, people say they signed things under duress, or hadn't talked to a lawyer, and that seems to swing open doors even when something was in writing.

I think you might have more trouble with inaction than anything else, based on what you've said. Which creates its own kind of conflict.

Have you already retained a lawyer?

[Sammamish]

Thanks for your comments, very useful. I have not retained a lawyer - but I have scheduled to see one in the next two weeks.

I have held off from filing up to now, as I was holding on to the possibility that we could somehow reconcile, but she's said/done nothing to suggest things will change and I am ready to move on. I have been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months and am almost out of the FOG. Though we have only been NC for about 2 weeks.

ForeverDad - thanks for your suggestions, I will take those on board.

livednlearned - what do you mean by "you might have more trouble with inaction than anything else" you mean inaction on her part? Last time we spoke, she said she just wanted it over with. I have made it clear that I will not be going to her country anytime soon, so I think part of her just wants a clean break to get on with her life.

Thanks again

S

[livednlearned]

Thanks for your comments, very useful. I have not retained a lawyer - but I have scheduled to see one in the next two weeks.

Do you have a list of questions ready? One that comes to mind is how to serve her in another country. Do you have to get a process server?

livednlearned - what do you mean by "you might have more trouble with inaction than anything else" you mean inaction on her part? Last time we spoke, she said she just wanted it over with. I have made it clear that I will not be going to her country anytime soon, so I think part of her just wants a clean break to get on with her life.

As you noticed, BPD sufferers engage in a lot of push/pull behavior. She might want a divorce when she's in push mode, but then you file for divorce and it triggers her pull stuff. So to counter the abandonment issues that are triggered, she might not do what she agreed to do, basically being inactive in order to hook you. It doesn't make sense, but it seems to be a common pattern here. My ex agreed to all kinds of things in the consent order, and then stonewalled all of it, costing me thousands in legal fees to get him to do what he agreed (and in some cases suggested) to do in the consent order. He is the one who talked about divorce for years, and then when I filed, he wailed abandonment.

Maybe your wife is different. Maybe she wants a clean break and will do what's necessary for that to happen.

[Sammamish]

livednlearned - thanks for your reply. Yes, I need to make a list of questions regarding the technicalities of serving on my wife who lives in another jurisdiction (not the US where we got married). I understand that she could stonewall,  but I guess I havent bargained on her dragging it out and making it as difficult and expensive as possible.

Again, I need to ask my lawyer about all this. But, there is very little in the way of shared assets to contest, so the only cost could come from lawyer fees if she decides to make it a protracted affair, but realistically how long could she drag it out for?

I would be prepared to wait another 6 months myself - ie wait until she is in a position to file. I guess I need to figure out the strategic benefits of me filing first.

I will let you know how i get on.

Thanks again

[ForeverDad]

The first hurdle will be how best to serve her notice of the divorce filing.  International service may be more complicated and there is a possibility she may find ways to delay the case because you'd have to prove she got served her notice.

[livednlearned]

The first hurdle will be how best to serve her notice of the divorce filing.  International service may be more complicated and there is a possibility she may find ways to delay the case because you'd have to prove she got served her notice.

Your lawyer may not know this information -- but try Googling "process server" in her country to see if you can find the protocol. Some countries are easier than others.

Is there any rush to get divorced? Like you, I'm wondering if she might be more motivated to do this if she isn't triggered by process servers, etc. But you want to make sure there are no financial liabilities if you stay married another 6 months.

[Sammamish]

Thanks again for your replies. I'm in no rush to file and we have discussed financials - which are mainly the cost of moving our possessions out of storage. I'm happy enough for her to take everything provided she doesnt start messing me around. They dont amount to much. I understand tho if she has little to lose then she might drag things out, so I'm happy to bide my time - the only real liability is the cost of storage and the lack of closure.