I need help moving on

[Wanna Move On]

Hi, everyone: 

I don't know what to feel right now -- BPDx is getting married tomorrow afternoon (Sunday, January 19).    :'( :'( :'(

I'm sad. Honestly, even with all I have learned about BPD, there is a part of me that wishes it could have been me tomorrow marrying her -- but it wasn't in the cards.  :'( :'( :'(

She is approaching her mid-30s and has been in committed relationship with her fiance for well over two-and-a-half years. By all appearances, including Facebook (and stories I've heard from people who know her), she is very happy. Apparently, she has also put all aspects of her personal and professional life together. Not only is she very high-functioning professionally and acedemically, but both she and her soon-to-be husband come from very affluent backgrounds. Money will never be an issue. (Additionally, she is a waif/professional victim-type who has PERFECTED the art of uber-seduction while in her damsel-in-desperate-need-of-being-rescued mode.)

Yes, she has had drug and alcohol abuse issues in her past but once she reached 30, she has worked VERY HARD on cleaning that up. And I would have to imagine that she has cleaned that up. (I am assuming sobriety because while drinking/getting high/self-anesthetizing, she was incapable of holding LTRs and or jobs. Throughout her 20s she had been terminated from a number of professional jobs -- basically because of the EXTREME emotional lability that alcohol and drug abuse intensified within her.) She is now in her third year of employment as a teacher in a prestigious private school.

I hope, this past week, that I've gone through my final extinction burst relative to the despair and anguish I feel in knowing that she is marrying and moving on -- and that I DIDN'T move on.  :'( :'( :'( :'(

Long story short, while hurting very deeply inside, a part of me just wants her marriage to finally happen. Then I can finally let go of the torture and fantasy and illusion.

I need strength. I just wanna finally move on.   :'( :'( :'( :'(

[Perfidy]

WMO? You ok? I can tell you are hurting. You say that you want to move on. What's stopping you?

[fromheeltoheal]

Don't know how long your relationship with her lasted Wanna, but if she's been in a relationship with someone else for 2 1/2 years and you're still pining for her, I'd say you're stuck.  Maybe it's your name here: how about instead of wanting to move on, you just move on?

If you do consider yourself stuck, it's time to do something different, because what you're doing clearly isn't working.  Have you gotten professional help?  You're keeping track of her as well; have you discovered why you do that?