meh

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have reached out to my undiagnosed BPD exgf multiple times.  She left me for someone else and now lives with him 2000 miles away.  She has deleted me from her life.  She only responded to my emails and texts about my recent surgery and I have heard nothing since.  I have not been reaching out to her to try and win her back or put blame on her, I have been doing it because I just want to know how she is... . or is it because I feel like I need her or need to know whats going on in her life.

God I hate this. I am a confident awesome guy.  And she has made me feel like a little kid.  All the blame was put on me, and for awhile I really felt like it was my fault.  How the hell do you reach out to these people if they delete you from ther lives?  Will I hear from her again? She screwed me over so badly yet I still care about her? Why? Why the hell do I still care about her? Why do I still think of all the things she said to me, the good times we were having and that she wanted to move with me in a few months?  Only to be burned and tossed out like I am some piece of trash.  I dont need her.  But I want her. Ive always known of her deep mental issues and loved despite.  I knew we could get through all of these insecurities and when she came back to me begging me back in her life, I knew what I was getting into.  All I asked for was honesty, and she clearly didnt give it to me.


ANNNNNNND the Academy Award for best Actress goes to... . MY F*&king ex girlfriend... .

[hybridax]

I have reached out to my undiagnosed BPD exgf multiple times.  She left me for someone else and now lives with him 2000 miles away.  She has deleted me from her life.  She only responded to my emails and texts about my recent surgery and I have heard nothing since.  I have not been reaching out to her to try and win her back or put blame on her, I have been doing it because I just want to know how she is... . or is it because I feel like I need her or need to know whats going on in her life.

God I hate this. I am a confident awesome guy.  And she has made me feel like a little kid.  All the blame was put on me, and for awhile I really felt like it was my fault.  How the hell do you reach out to these people if they delete you from ther lives?  Will I hear from her again? She screwed me over so badly yet I still care about her? Why? Why the hell do I still care about her? Why do I still think of all the things she said to me, the good times we were having and that she wanted to move with me in a few months?  Only to be burned and tossed out like I am some piece of trash.  I dont need her.  But I want her. Ive always known of her deep mental issues and loved despite.  I knew we could get through all of these insecurities and when she came back to me begging me back in her life, I knew what I was getting into.  All I asked for was honesty, and she clearly didnt give it to me.


ANNNNNNND the Academy Award for best Actress goes to... . MY F*&king ex girlfriend... .

[Turkish]

I have reached out to my undiagnosed BPD exgf multiple times.  She left me for someone else and now lives with him 2000 miles away.  She has deleted me from her life.  She only responded to my emails and texts about my recent surgery and I have heard nothing since.  I have not been reaching out to her to try and win her back or put blame on her, I have been doing it because I just want to know how she is... . or is it because I feel like I need her or need to know whats going on in her life.

God I hate this. I am a confident awesome guy.  And she has made me feel like a little kid.  All the blame was put on me, and for awhile I really felt like it was my fault.  How the hell do you reach out to these people if they delete you from ther lives?  Will I hear from her again? She screwed me over so badly yet I still care about her? Why? Why the hell do I still care about her? Why do I still think of all the things she said to me, the good times we were having and that she wanted to move with me in a few months?  Only to be burned and tossed out like I am some piece of trash.  I dont need her.  But I want her. Ive always known of her deep mental issues and loved despite.  I knew we could get through all of these insecurities and when she came back to me begging me back in her life, I knew what I was getting into.  All I asked for was honesty, and she clearly didnt give it to me.


ANNNNNNND the Academy Award for best Actress goes to... . MY F*&king ex girlfriend... .

Hell hybridax, I feel your pain on lack of closure. I'll share something my T offered to me this past week, I don't know if you saw my post about it. He offered that a lot of my anger stemmed from me expecting her to be something of which she is just not capable. I started arguing with him, then he said, in short, "lower your expectations." We can't expect them to be something they are not. Frustration comes from execting them to be us: to think, feel and understand like a non. In the end, it just isn't going to happen

[hybridax]

Thanks for the reply.  I really just dont get how you cant just be honest with someone.  And to have used me and played me for weeks, with her knowing what she was going to do.  How do these people look in the mirror and like what they see? How do they wake up with a smile knowing they have left a wake of hurt people behind them.

Does it ever catch up to them?  I wonder if one day she will ever be on the recieveing end of this. To know what it feels like.  And part of my really thinks that this is it.  Ill never see or talk to her again and she will end up marrying this a hole and live happily ever after. 

How can a relationship start like her new one and work? I have always been someone that knows the answers or knows how to solve a problem.  Its a relationship! You talk about stuff, you work on things, communicate.  Be honest! Why do they just wait and bottle everything then one day explode?  She said I did this and that and it made me not attractive, and it wasnt fun anymore, that I wasnt exciting. That I wasnt a challenge... . That hit hurt!  And then she runs away and moves across the country to start a relationship with someone she had only hooked up with a few times.  This dude that was banging other chicks when they first started seeing each other?  They hung out a few months after we first broke up last year.  I know from many people that they never dated and that this guy is a real POS.  Why would she run to that?  Talk about easy and not being a challenge.   God this whle situation is so frustrating.  And for her to delete me from her life? What the heck is all that about?  I always treated her nicely and respected her. I was never a doormat, if she did something that hurt me I would tell her.  Life really throws some hit at you doesnt it?

[heartandwhole]

Hi hybridax,

I'm really sorry you are going through this, it's so painful.  I was so hurt when pwBPD broke up with me, then within 24 hours wanted me back, then with weeks was doing it again.  It just didn't compute in my mind, until I realized the severe limitations of my pwBPD when he was in the throes of dysregulation.

Thanks for the reply.  I really just dont get how you cant just be honest with someone.  And to have used me and played me for weeks, with her knowing what she was going to do.  How do these people look in the mirror and like what they see? How do they wake up with a smile knowing they have left a wake of hurt people behind them.

I know how difficult it is to get your head around, but if your ex has BPD, it's important to understand that her reality and experience of your relationship is vastly different than yours.  She has learned maladaptive coping mechanisms that stop her from taking responsibility for her actions – that would trigger immense pain for her and she will try to avoid that at all costs.  

Does it ever catch up to them?  I wonder if one day she will ever be on the recieveing end of this. To know what it feels like.

It already has.  :)on't be fooled by appearances.  Living with BPD is very difficult and many are in a lot of pain on a daily basis.  It's a serious disorder that deserves our compassion.

And part of my really thinks that this is it.  Ill never see or talk to her again and she will end up marrying this a hole and live happily ever after.

Very doubtful that this will be happily ever after.  The idealization phase will pass and the same behaviors are very likely to repeat themselves – indefinitely – unless and until she gets help.

God this whle situation is so frustrating.  And for her to delete me from her life? What the heck is all that about?  I always treated her nicely and respected her. I was never a doormat, if she did something that hurt me I would tell her.  

Yes, it is so frustrating!  The only thing you can do, hybridax, is to focus on yourself.  There is nothing you can do that will make her different.  If she has BPD, she needs long term therapy, and has to be 100% committed.  

Have you seen this information?  It helped me tremendously to understand what I was dealing with after my breakup:  Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

All your feelings about this are normal and understandable. The honesty, respect and caring that you want and deserve is not going to come from her right now.  When you accept that, you'll open to eventually receiving that from someone else.

Hang in there, we're here for you.  

[hybridax]

Thanks,

I am going to read your link after I write this.  I talked with a friend for a ahile tonight about all of this.  She told me that my ex came back because she knew that she "could" and that she used me.  And that she probably wanted this guy all along which is why when she first told me she needed space and went to visit, kept me on the back burner in case the initial trip didnt work out.  Now, she hasnt been friends with my ex for nearly 2 years, but still knows her past an her behaviors.  All of what my friend was telling me was her opinion.  But she said one thing that hit me hard.

My ex has moved across the country, is in a new relationship, and has cut me out of her life.  She told me that she is doing this because she is starting a new life and wants nothing to do with anything from her past, as in me.  While I get that, I dont understand why my ex still talks to all of our friends, everyone, except me.  Im not trying to win her back.  She cheated on me and left, whats there to go back to?  But for some reason I am hung up on the things she said she wanted to do with me, to start a new life/relationship and move with me. 

I just dont get it.  I feel like she hates me for some reason.  Am I supposed to be dead to her? What do I do?

[heartandwhole]

hybridax,

I know it doesn't make sense, and it hurts.  I encourage you to read everything you can on this site, it really will help.  

One reason why she talks to others from her past and not you is because you have become a trigger of negative feelings for her.  She wants to avoid those feelings more than anything, thus, she has to avoid you.  It's not your fault, in fact, it means that you were closer to her than the others.  They don't trigger her as much, because she never let them "in" so to speak.  :)oes that make sense?

It's not personal and if she has BPD, this will happen with every person that she allows herself to get close to: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

My pwBPD and I were making plans to live and work together when he abruptly broke up with me.  I understand now that his abandonment fears were being triggered more and more the closer we got, and the more plans we made to actually be together (we were long-distance), but at the time, it made NO sense, and I was wrecked.

Now I understand that I had no business being in the relationship in the first place, but I needed to understand what the heck happened first.

Keep reading and posting, hybridax, we'll support you through this!

[hybridax]

Thank you. This has been so difficult because it's the second time we have broken and this time she blatantly cheated on me and left me for the guy.

What you mentioned about us being bet close and her trigger... . I can honestly say that She has never been closer with anyone then me. Maybe my replacement will get there, but who knows? I know all of her fears, anxieties, moods. I've never brought up her having BPD because honestly I was afraid too. She would have gone nuts. She has always been very hot and cold with me and would bottle her emotions and she would always take things I said to her and find the most negative interpretation for it. Example:

Me: "hey baby those jeans look great on you, where did you get them?"

(I bought them, I'm looking for a cute reaction. Like "I don't know, just some guy... . "

Her: "why the f^*k do you have to hold everything you buy me over my head to make me feel like s#%t?"

Me:

[heartandwhole]

Hi again hybridax,

That hypersensitivity that you describe is very common here on our boards.  It takes some time to wrap our heads around it all.  I'm sorry that you are going through this painful loss.  I hope you'll give yourself time and space to grieve, because that is what will ultimately get you through to a better place.  

Keep posting, we are here for you.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

hybridax,

I completely understand the feeling of being discarded and left feeling like there's not closure.  My stbxwife moved out 4 months ago for a trial separation.  We were supposed to act like married adults and focus on the marriage for 6 months.  I know that one week after I moved all her stuff 7 hours away she slept with a man.  Then joined a dating site and slept with 5 others.  And is lying about it to my face.  She stopped speaking to me over something ridiculous and we've been in pretty much no contact for 3 weeks.  Trying to understand how someone can shut you off after you gave them 14 years of your life is impossible.  So I just have to accept that I can't.  Which is SO hard.  But that is this disorder.  The twisting, manipulation, distortions, it's all so hard for us to wrap our heads around.

I think we just have to accept that there are no answers, that things just can't be reasonably rationalized out with them.  It's just not meant to be rationalized.