Barbaric YAWP

[Depression = 72% of members]

She told me tonight, she's moving out on Feb 3rd. We talked logistics. I said it would b a good idea for her to start packing boxes. She said she is not going to take anything but her clothes. She will buy beds for the kids. Not even her dresser and nightstands she had before me? I said I was going to donate things for the tax write offs, and convinced her to take at least one coffe table. Take her/our dresser fr the kids. Sad which kids pics she was going to take. She said none. She has digital copies, shed put them in new frames. I said why spend the money. She replied this is their home, she didn't want to change anything. One one hand, this is her controlling my home, OTOH, this s her further splitting. No memories or tiggers of her old crappy life. So I guess I get left with the reminders?

I daid., ok, then the only things I will need are the keys and the alarm fob. She said," you don think I should have a key to the house?" I said no, anymore than I need a key to your apartment. Besides, your oarens have a spare key (not telling her I will put in a combo lock on the deadbolt the day she leaves). She said ok.I told her a frien of mine will have the "keys to the kingdom"  should I drop dead of a heart attack or something, and that she should contact him. Silence... . she always hated it when I talked like that. Talked custoidy, which was interesting, but I wont go into here... .

So now? I am tirggered that she seem so happy. Or I am happy and this sux. I don't know... . the future is the future and I can't control it,ut I can control me.

[Turkish]

She told me tonight, she's moving out on Feb 3rd. We talked logistics. I said it would b a good idea for her to start packing boxes. She said she is not going to take anything but her clothes. She will buy beds for the kids. Not even her dresser and nightstands she had before me? I said I was going to donate things for the tax write offs, and convinced her to take at least one coffe table. Take her/our dresser fr the kids. Sad which kids pics she was going to take. She said none. She has digital copies, shed put them in new frames. I said why spend the money. She replied this is their home, she didn't want to change anything. One one hand, this is her controlling my home, OTOH, this s her further splitting. No memories or tiggers of her old crappy life. So I guess I get left with the reminders?

I daid., ok, then the only things I will need are the keys and the alarm fob. She said," you don think I should have a key to the house?" I said no, anymore than I need a key to your apartment. Besides, your oarens have a spare key (not telling her I will put in a combo lock on the deadbolt the day she leaves). She said ok.I told her a frien of mine will have the "keys to the kingdom"  should I drop dead of a heart attack or something, and that she should contact him. Silence... . she always hated it when I talked like that. Talked custoidy, which was interesting, but I wont go into here... .

So now? I am tirggered that she seem so happy. Or I am happy and this sux. I don't know... . the future is the future and I can't control it,ut I can control me.

[Ironmanrises]

I know you are hurting Turkish. It is reflected in your missing letters and chaotic writing in this thread. My eyes welled up reading this. She is abandoning you before you can abandon her(the perceived abandonment in her mind). We are here for you my friend. 

[arn131arn]

Turkish,

I think you are right about leaving everything in their past behind. My ex left everything.  Her clothes, winter and summer (only seasons we have here LOL), pictures, little knick knacks, housing decor she bought, picture frames with "family" written on them... . everything.

I used to think that it was because she was leaving a door open to come back or something, but I think you are right.  She knows I'm done this time. She came to my mom 4 days before x mas wanting to, what I believe, leave a door open, by saying she wanted an amicable RS; but I shut it down by telling everyone I wanted nothing to do with her this time around.  So, I think she perceives that as abandonment and left everything.

I hope, wish, and pray for the best for you, Turk.  You have been an inspiration to me, and what you have put up with for so long, blows my mind. 


You do know that this is the best thing for you to fully detach, right?

[Surnia]

What a difficult moment, Turkish! 

Yes, we are here for you.

[letmeout]

Hang in there Turkish. No more walking on eggshells in your own house. Its nice.

[Changingman]

Good luck to you,

I'm amazed how at first I couldn't feel anything to be a positive decision, go anywhere, be anywhere, feel unselfconscious about being alone, but now I am amazed by the freedom to do what I want.

I started by doing things I love and has a passion for, this seemed a route back to myself. You forget how much you have left aside and forgotten about yourself. I can see the emptyness inside her I/she had to fill. Wow I can almost sense the forgiveness starting to form.

What a 'road to nowhere' it was.

Eat healthily, light exercise, do some things you genuinely have/had a passion/love for.

The sadness is ... . what it is

Strength to you

[Free2Bee]

Aw, Turkish. I'm thinking of you today. These are tough times and it's clear that you're hurting. Let us know how it goes and take care of yourself.

[Perfidy]

Turkish... Just a thought... Have you considered doing a complete remodel? That's what I'm in the process of. It's a fact that whoever stays in the familiar environment has a harder time moving forward emotionally. The familiarity keeps us reminded. I went through the almost identical problem. I was fortunate, in one aspect, that one of my places burned to the ground. One of the other places, where we lived together also, is undergoing a remodel right now. Everything. Floors, paint,counters,landscape,kitchen,bathrooms. Everything. I am enjoying this project. This can also help the kiddos accept the change. Not only that, it will have the bonus of blowing her mind.

[Turkish]

Turkish... Just a thought... Have you considered doing a complete remodel? That's what I'm in the process of. It's a fact that whoever stays in the familiar environment has a harder time moving forward emotionally. The familiarity keeps us reminded. I went through the almost identical problem. I was fortunate, in one aspect, that one of my places burned to the ground. One of the other places, where we lived together also, is undergoing a remodel right now. Everything. Floors, paint,counters,landscape,kitchen,bathrooms. Everything. I am enjoying this project. This can also help the kiddos accept the change. Not only that, it will have the bonus of blowing her mind.

The new sliding door was installed yesterday. One down. Since she threw in some minor financial abuse at the end, my money is tight, especially with the impending CS, and the verbal agreement of $3k "severence" shell have that money to buy the kids beds. She doesn't even want to take the crib. I have a handy friend who is talking a complete remodel.I did the bedroom floors when we moved in 3years ago. May change the laminate later. The easiest and cheapest is painting, which we will do the weekend after she moves out. He has plans for the remaining windows which aren't double paned. He.said kitchen too,.which she never liked. To me its just a kitchen. This will be a few years project due to $. Moving the bed around is easy, too. A different room she even wanted to leave her side stands and dresser she had before me.a clean break for her new joyful life. In her mind I was the last dysfunctional r/s of her past and she's going to be a new person.those motivatiinal videos prove it!

Arn, I guess this is what you mean helping me detach, since this signals no recycle by her later ? I bugs me that she is leaving me with her junk. I mentioned this to my friend on the phone last night and he got angry with me, "do you want this all over again?" No. She's better now, but she is the same person. Let another guy "handle" "lead" and "guide" her.

Started joking about foreign brides to him. Some guys at work are already saying they want to take me back to their home country to get a woman (they say it is easy, they line up). My buddy said, "oh yeah, that's just what you want, a hollow shell."

Already had that in a sense.

To everyone else, thank you.

[maxen]

remember, turkish,

she is the same person.

exactly.

stay as steady as you can, turkish, you've helped lots of people here, we're all ready to help you.

[arn131arn]

I don't really know what it means to them by not taking their crap with them. I thought it meant keeping the door open. In my heart what she told my mom 4 days before x mas was she wanted an amicable RS but I don't. The slander and outright lives are unforgivable this time. The sex with my RS is just physical, hell, I'm almost already over that. But I think she has probably done a drive by, seen the dumpster in the driveway with everything in it, and that probably signaled no more recycles to her. That and my continued NC. I am allot like u, I know I need to let her go, but in the same time, it's sad. My family now literally yells at me for being sad sometimes. Really? Where do they expect me to be after 5 weeks? Stay strong, Turk

[growing_wings]

my best wishes for you Turkish... hang in there as all the other have said...

mine left some furniture behind, and twice she has asked when can she come to pick the stuff up... .   i think is a way to leave the door open in their mind.

[Waifed]

You will begin your journey to healing on Feb. 3rd. It will not be easy.  Let yourself grieve. Let yourself express anger. Don't grow impatient with all the processing going on in your head. It is how your mind heals from the wounds of your relationship. This all WILL pass. It will not be fast. You will succeed. There is no other reasonable choice. You are a good man and you will find love again when you least expect it. Until that time enjoy your freedom. It will come after the loneliness fades. The FOG will lift. The depression will slowly dissipate. You will be a new man with a future. You will no longer dwell on the past. It is all ahead of you even though it can't be seen through the fog. She will always be the mother of your children. You will no longer be responsible for her. Your responsibility lies with taking care of yourself and your beloved children. They will need you even more to assure that they become healthy adults. You hold the key to their future, not her.

I hope you will soon enjoy the life you deserve.