First NC with BPD Mom -- not my choice

[makingachange]

This is essentially a re-post from my intro post on the Newbie board, but thought I'd introduce myself over here, since this is where I think I'll be spending most of my time.

Hi, everyone!

I'm really happy to have found this space. As most of you probably know, having a family member with BPD can feel very isolating.

I'm currently on my first ever NC streak with my uBPD mother. I'm 27, she's 50, and I also have a grandmother (my Mom's Mom) in her 70's who is very clearly BPD and has only gotten worse as she's aged. I am the oldest of 4 and was always the golden child (although there isn't a scapegoat in my family), which you might think made things easier for me, but it actually made me my Mom's "best friend" and her constant emotional dumping ground.

I had a relatively good young childhood, although my parents fought a lot. My Mom and I were very close, although she was always very hard on me. I didn't start to notice that my Mom wasn't right though until my parents got divorced when I was 13 and my Mom started dating again and behaving really inappropriately (bringing men I'd never met over for sex just weeks after my parents separated, dating creepers, etc.).

It got really bad starting when I was an older teenager and dared to have my own opinions, thoughts, feelings... . although I was a very good kid, always getting straight A's, being active after school, taking on leadership positions, finishing my Associate's Degree while still in high school, my Mother was always angry at me for "having attitude" with her or "being selfish" (ugh, I hate that one), or punishing me excessively for minor trespasses (grounded 3 weeks for once getting a ride home from school with a boy rather than walk 2 miles in 95 degrees). We hated each other when I was in high school.

My Mom got remarried when I was a senior in high school and had my two younger sisters, who are now 8 and 5 and I adore them to no end. They're literally more like my children than my sisters, since I helped raise them as babies on vacations from college and over the summers. As a college student, I gained some emotional maturity and was much more patient with my Mom's crazy, and that combined with some distance, greatly improved our relationship for awhile.

Over the past couple of years, though, she has gotten much, much worse. She divorced my stepdad and started down this road of self-destruction and bad choices that has made her life (and by proxy mine) pretty bad. She also claims to have illnesses and physical ailments that I believe to be largely invented for attention-getting purposes.

She threatened to kill herself several times over this past summer, often forcing me to leave work or vacation plans to talk her off of a ledge. She came up for 10 days over Thanksgiving, and my husband and I bent over backwards to make her comfortable and wait on her hand and foot, and she was mad at us afterwards... . for what, I don't know.

She decided she urgently needed surgery on the day I was supposed to fly down for Christmas this year, and called to tell me that I would need to do all of the Christmas prep (which is extensive, because she expects a fancy Christmas and refuses to bend on traditions), wrap gifts for the whole family, and... . type everything for her online Professor job while I was there for 3 weeks because she wouldn't be able to use her hands post-op (?). I said that it might not be possible for me to literally do her job for her while getting Christmas stuff ready and keeping up with my own online job (nicely, of course), and she flipped out on me and hung up the phone.

We emailed back and forth for a week and she sent me diatribes and insults and threatened to never let me see my sisters again, I sent back calm and loving messages trying to gently set some basic boundaries for the first time ever. Not surprisingly, it didn't go well.

Six weeks later, I haven't heard from her. She has been trashing me on Facebook and to mutual friends and family, which I only know because they've told me, since she quickly defriended me and my Brother on Facebook... . even though my Brother wasn't involved. I was devastated at first because I missed Christmas with my little sisters for the first time ever, and because my Mom and I have a good relationship when she can control her crazy. But I can't do it anymore. And it's been kind of a relief to not speak to her.

So I joined an in-person support group, and found this board, and have been reading everyone's stories, shocked at how similar they are to mine. Hugs to all of you, I'm glad to have found this place because I have a lot of maturing and growth ahead of me, and I'm excited to get started and become a much stronger person. One who's not constantly criticized and called selfish and brought down by my Mother's crazy.

I've realized in reading some of your stuff here how much she's put me through that I had kind of brushed off or intentionally "forgot" or didn't even really register as emotional abuse until I stop and think about it more extensively, so I know I have a lot of healing work to do before I can even begin to deal with how I should handle her going forward.

[Sitara]

She decided she urgently needed surgery on the day I was supposed to fly down for Christmas this year, and called to tell me that I would need to do all of the Christmas prep (which is extensive, because she expects a fancy Christmas and refuses to bend on traditions), wrap gifts for the whole family, and... . type everything for her online Professor job while I was there for 3 weeks because she wouldn't be able to use her hands post-op (?).

This type of thing drives me nuts.  It's like they get a splinter and the world is ending.  My mom had minor tooth surgery and she told me she wouldn't be able to babysit for a month (it was only 4 days a month) because she'd be recovering.  So I call her a couple days after the surgery and ask if she's doing okay.  She was chipper and happy and sounded better than she normally is.  "Why wouldn't I be?" she says.  "Well, because you said you needed a month to recover."

Best of luck to you to figure out a way to keep in contact with your sisters.  Welcome, and you're not alone and not crazy.

[Tayto]

I used to love the line from my mother

I am your mother, im pretty sure she ment to say "I am God" !

Are you id say, and why is it you act like a child with your silly hurtful texts or letters under the pillow.

My mother used to say to all my family when they asked her about why she kept our father around when he just beat us everyday.

Because the social services would take all of you and you would be separated.  Of course my famiky were grateful not to be taking away.

one day I said, shy did you allow dad to abuse me for years as a child when I could not defend myself.

because you would have been taking away

Do you not think I would have been better off without being abused by both off you and dad.

Your father was a horrible man to us, she would say

no ma, you and him were horrible,  you don't get to be the victim when you have kids, you told him what we done everyday and then he would get drunk and beat us.

we would have been better off in a home than with you and him because yee were horrible people.

[makingachange]

Sitara, thank you for proactively saying that I'm not crazy. She has made me feel crazy a lot... . even though in my head I know that what she's doing is wrong, I still need to work on convincing my subconscious. She has put 27 years of conditioning in to make me her puppet. Your Mom sounds just like mine on the surgery thing. For the woman who supposedly wouldn't be able to use her hands, so I needed to do her whole job for her (which is why this huge fight began in the first place), she was emailing me long and horrific emails 24 hours after her "life-threatening surgery." Guess she didn't need my help that badly after all.

Keezie, I am lucky to have only been abused by my mother and not my father, although I still hold resentment towards my father that he essentially abandoned us to her when he knew what she was like. I know all too well what it feels like to have your BPD mom demonize your dad, though, when she's every bit as bad. Are you still speaking to them both?

[Tayto]

It took years and years but ive mended my ways with them. My father was a an extremely voilent man who from the age of 4 would just beat me everday and tell me I was useless.my mother would push me away telling me she hated me and was sorry I was born.

when I was 18 I left my father in hospital as I had enough, he never bullied my mother after that but it destroyed me as a person.

I mended my ways wity my father and a few years ago he passed on with cancer. The ironic thing was, we all minded him and refused for him to be put into hospital as he wanted to die at home. But ya, we mended our ways.

my mother was a different kettle of fish as she could hurt the heart string with her poison pen letters and verbal abuse until one day I sat her down and asked her to listen without judgement.

I proceeded to explain to her the effect she had on my life to ehich she got defensive and I said, we will talk about you when im finished with what I hsve to say.

that day was the day I became my mothers son as it killed her to listen to me explain about this little frightened boy and how is was terrified and how he bacame a monster himself.all through it she kept trying to bring it back to her but I kept my calm and explained that we will talk about her when im finished.

When I finished and all through it dpoke in a calm voice, I looked at her and said.

I love you as I am your son, I nedded you and felt you were not there for me.

for the first time in my life my mother gave me a hug and said sorry.

we have never fought since and she listens to me as I have her best interests at heart when she is abusive towards the others.

[makingachange]

That's great to hear that you've made such progress with your mother. Hoping I can get to that point, too. Think this first ever NC streak we're currently on is progress towards that, as it's the first time I've ever really stood up for myself with her and said, "I won't allow you or anyone to treat me like this anymore."

[Tayto]

Thats the thing about life, I never allowed anyone abuse me and stood for it.

as a child I was beat but I would not cry, so they beat me more and more but I never cried as this was my way of saying,  I dont agree with what you are doing to me.

as an young adult I was a voilent person but I did not like this side of me as it felt wrong to have so much rage.

then I learned to let go off my rage and be more peaceful within myself.

Allowing people to control you has horrible effects on the mind and body. I take no abuse from anyone but I diplomatically these days resolve it without being abusive.

standing up for what you feel is right is what makes you a non victim as an adult in my opinion