How do you live with knowing it can all come crashing down?

[nodoover]

I have been trying for the past month to diet again, I had to do something the binging and stuffing my frustration was out of control. I haven't gone back to counselor since she basically told me to leave husband because no hope for BPD and no counselors in our small area that deal with it.

I have spent time thinking about why I can't seem to stop myself and I think its because even when things are good in the back of my mind i know it can all come crashing down when I least expect it. I have no safety no matter how hard I try to feel safe.

I once again thought things were going good with us and that BPD husband was even making progress, he was starting to catch himself with anger and other things.

Then this morning, its like a dam of poison spills out of him and I once again find out he has been dwelling for weeks about negative stuff about his body and life.  He is convinced he has problems from past cancer treatments 15 yrs ago but won't go for any new tests because he says its not worth bankrupting us.  We have insurance but live with no extra money and he is right the thousands we would have to pay would be hard but i still told him to go to doctors.

I finally said its like he is living in a dark lake filled with poison and he is letting himself choke on it refusing any help from me or others of the fresh water we offer.  He got quiet after that and has been thinking for over a hour about what I said. Not sure anymore what to say to him.

He use to rant about his past with ex and daughter and when he figured out I wouldn't let him go on about that he is trying a new technique.  I feel like its all a test to see how much I care about him.  He has been wanting to quit his job that was the best for him and I was telling him to ask boss for less hours instead, so now he is saying he is feeling tired and sick all the time with zero energy to get me to say ok quit. I finally did, said the words he wanted to hear. He is retired and I was encouraging part time work because the 2 yrs he stayed home he got so over involved in negativity and depression job was helping.

He likes to make it all hopeless like there are no solutions and I called him on that.  I said you have so many great qualities and potential for your life and your shutting your eyes tight to seeing any of it.

I once again told him he needed mental help of counselor, and that he won't get ahead until he can let go of his past.  He said to let go would make him want to die, I said you have much more to live for than to talk to your daughter about her mom.  Daughter has already warned him she wants no part of hearing crap about her mom, if he pushes it he will lose relationship with her.  He thinks if he tells her how awful mom is she will love him more, he just doesn't see or get it at all.  She is 27 and newly married, wants no part of past stuff.  Loves her dad, I finally told her last year what he has and she said it explained a lot. She tries to be patient with him but has good boundaries and cuts him off if he tries to talk about ex.

So my real question is, how can we live with the monkey on our back? I try to take care of self, exercise, have friends, but in the back of my mind I think I always know my world can come crashing down and that fear keeps me from having control of my own life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi nodoover

I finally said its like he is living in a dark lake filled with poison and he is letting himself choke on it refusing any help from me or others of the fresh water we offer.  He got quiet after that and has been thinking for over a hour about what I said. Not sure anymore what to say to him.

Validating depressed and very negative pwBPD is hard. If really feels odd to spell it out. And it is not really hard to come up with the words as they are in our head already thanks to being at the receiving end of projection of those dark forced for some time. We know, we feel what is their head. Validation is using the knowledge to spell it out. It helps to feel it less within us as it is also self validation of the projection.

So my real question is, how can we live with the monkey on our back? I try to take care of self, exercise, have friends, but in the back of my mind I think I always know my world can come crashing down and that fear keeps me from having control of my own life.

Boundaries can help you to feel safer. Same goes with validation of projected emotions. If the anxiety persists then it may be worth looking into whether some is caused by a self sustaining condition like depression, anxiety disorders or anxiety linked disorders like PTSD. There are targeted measures both on the medication side as well from the cognitive side to lesson the symptoms and help you getting back to feeling calm and safe.

You certainly deserve to feel better

[nodoover]

Just updating that after he vented to me a few hours later he said sorry I said all that?  and was as if it never happened.  In a normal person a vent can do this but his vents are so outrageous its hard to believe he can blow them off so quickly.  Thats when I realize how big his BPD is that he can flip like that.

He has been mostly fine since.  I am going to reread boundaries. Thanks!

[an0ught]

Just updating that after he vented to me a few hours later he said sorry I said all that? 

It may be little in your book but the value of remembering what was done and admitting to it in some form is considerable. It is always good to see some signs of self reflection.

[Chosen]

Hi nodovoer,

From what I read in your message, you listened to him, tried to offer him ways to feel better, encouraged him to do something for himself (e.g. go to doctor, go to counselor), but he wouldn't have any of it and he chooses to wallow in self-pity and depression. 

One important lesson that I have learnt here is that we let our pwBPDs take charge of their lives (especially when they're our spouses, not our children).  So ok, you see all those things he should do/ can do to help himself, but he doesn't want to do those, no matter the reason.  All you can do is to leave it to him.  So yeah, it does have consequences and it may come crashing down, and you have to be prepared for it to some extent, but letting go of the expectation (for him to change his ways/ thinking) frees you up to take control of your own life.

At the end of the day, we can only control ourselves.  You've done your best in suggesting how you could help him/ how he could help himself; now it's the time to go do something for yourself.  You can't invest so much emotion in him that if he doesn't get/ feel better, you don't; you have to help yourself before you can help him!  Take care.