How do I get myself in these situations?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Suppose I should start from the top... .

My ex raged at me when she found out I was seeing someone. She said she was angry & that the girl who I was seeing was a sl*t. Thing is, she thought I was seeing someone complexity different. The girl I have been seeing used to go to the school as my ex. They share slime friends, although they don't really know each other. She was even angrier about that.

I've been invited out for drinks tonight, and these friends will be out. I'm thinking of making my excuses, because I'm unsure whether my ex will be there & I'm not really up for seeing her. Second to that, I've been getting the odd missed call from a 'no caller I.d'. The only time ive had that is when my ex has tried to call. I stupidly rang her today and left an awnser phone message asking if it was her. No response.

I'm getting myself into a right pickle.

[Eric1]

Suppose I should start from the top... .

My ex raged at me when she found out I was seeing someone. She said she was angry & that the girl who I was seeing was a sl*t. Thing is, she thought I was seeing someone complexity different. The girl I have been seeing used to go to the school as my ex. They share slime friends, although they don't really know each other. She was even angrier about that.

I've been invited out for drinks tonight, and these friends will be out. I'm thinking of making my excuses, because I'm unsure whether my ex will be there & I'm not really up for seeing her. Second to that, I've been getting the odd missed call from a 'no caller I.d'. The only time ive had that is when my ex has tried to call. I stupidly rang her today and left an awnser phone message asking if it was her. No response.

I'm getting myself into a right pickle.

[santa]

Does seem like quite the situation.

Just keep in mind that you don't have to take her raging anymore. She's got no right to do that to you. When you were in a relationship, she still had no right, but then you had to put up with it to stay in the relationship. Right now, she is nothing to you. So, if she's still acting like that, she's completely out of line. Don't listen to it. Tell her to go yell at someone else.

I'm glad you've found someone else. I am concerned that it's someone in the same circle though. I think if you stay within that group, then your ex is always going to feel entitled to mess with you. Maybe branch out a bit.

[Eric1]

Yeah, I'm thinking that. I just don't know if I should go out or make my excuses. If she is out, then I don't think it's fair on either of us. Or just bite the bullet and go for a drink.

[Moonie75]

They share 'slime friends'?

[winston72]

I was assuming that was a type for "some" friends.  If it is "slime" friends, I would enjoy hearing that definition!  But, then again you English people do funny things with the English language!

Eric, are you still playing rugby?  Updates on the important stuff, Dude!

And I share Santa's sentiments.  You really don't need to be concerned about her... . just live your life, do the right thing and move along.   Ha!  If we could all do that so easily we would not be on this site!  But, that is the goal.

You get in the situation because you chose it... . and it is a "situation" because you are still primarily concerned about the opinions and feelings of your ex.  That is the complicating factor here, not that you are seeing someone who might know someone who knows her.   And, of course the reaction of your ex is all the sillier because she is seeing someone else, or has if I recall your prior posts.   

So, the "situation" to be addressed is what steps you need to take to minimize your vulnerability to her... .

And I want to hear some rugby stories! 

[Eric1]

OK, well i missed the ex by a few hours. Had a nice evening, but had to work this morning.

The ex texted saying that it wasn't her that called. I didn't reply. Then she tried calling. I did try to call back but it went to awnser phone, so i went to bed. Then from 2am onwards i woke up to 28 missed calls & 5 texts... .

1. Ring me

2. If you give a crap, call me tonight. I need to talk to you x

3. Its an emergency

4. ring me

5. Fine!

Hmmm... .

[Clearmind]

Eric are you ready to date?

[Eric1]

Eric are you ready to date?

It's apparent I'm not, and the new girl has too close a connection with the ex. I'm changing my number to block all future correspondence with the ex.

I'm seeing the new girl tonight to break things off. Don't really know the best way to do it.

[GopherAgent]

Earc1... .

Don't worry about the EX. She is just that... . an EX... . whatever the reason. But there is a reason. While dating her, you got to the point that it wasn't working and you made a decision to end it and now she's your EX.

Also, she continues to send you clear evidence of unreasonable behaviors with her excessive calls and raging behaviors. You are doing the right thing by changing your number. You don't have to put up with this stuff and live with her histrionic demands and controlling crap.

You have concrete evidence that a relationship with her will not work on any level. You've made a rational decision to end it with her and look for someone else.

You are in not pickle here what so ever. Enjoy your freedom from this madness and chalk it up to ones of life's experiences and move on.

View the new relationship in the context as a new and fresh start for you, not a way to end an old and dysfunctional one. It's not even relevant that she knows the new person. 

GopherAgent

[Moonie75]

GopherAgent,

I'd like to see you swallow your own advice! If its as easy & straight forward as you're implying, why you needing/using this site?

You just spreading your supposed wisdom around for the benefit of those who don't find this as simplistic as you? Even advising to go further into a relationship after Eric clearly says he's not ready!

Or was your post supposed to be comedy & I've taken it wrong way?

[winston72]

Hey Moonie... . I didn't read the post from GopherAgent as being quite as insensitive as your post seems to imply.  Maybe I am taking yours the wrong way!  But, one benefit of this site is to being to sling our opinions around a bit without fear of judgment... . but perhaps also in the spirit of support and with a challenge to ideas more than to people themselves. 

[GopherAgent]

winston72... .

Thank you for the reflection. My support to Eric was to encourage him to look at his situation differently and to challenge him to move forward with his life and not continue to put up with the EX.

I have spent some time on this site and I read about the effects BPD have on many different individuals on this site. I reflect on my experiences with my uBPDw (if she is that) and how I have emotionally reacted to that in my own life without success or changing the BPD-ness in my relationship with her. What I have realized is that I (me, myself and I) are responsible for my reactions to the BPD wife in my relationship. What freedom in and of itself for this realization and how I've applied it to my relationship. This has allowed me to think differently and proactively to what happens when it happens.

After reviewing post after post, I can say I see a great deal of emotional reaction to the results of BPD in ones relationship and I believe that emotions are fickle and can blind us from logically and unemotionally responding to BPD in our own lives. No pie in the sky here... . Just a suggestion to look at the situation differently, that's all.

My main suggestion to Eric1 and everyone with BPD in their lives who look at this site is to try and do this at some point. 1.) Step back from the emotional responses to BPD... . and 2.) look at them in a different light when the emotional abuse has subsided. Then, 3.) Release your self from the shame and guilt of the failed responses to BPD.

And finally... . Live life to its fullest! Don't let BPD kill you and destroy your self worth.

Just a suggestion for thought... . One response to a difficult situation... . And just one way of looking at it.

Thanks... . GopherAgent

[winston72]

Hello GA... . I agree with the end goal of taking responsibility for our own emotional state of being and the realizing the freedom that flows from this.  The challenge, of course, is how we get there!  Lots of us, myself included, are trying to make that journey while limping from the very real emotional wounds we have incurred.  And I know you must be well aware of this from your own marriage.  I wish I could flip a switch and complete the steps 1, 2, 3, but it just did not happen that way for me.  It was a long slog... . still is a slog.  Oh, my, one I would never have imagined to be so difficult.  It was like trying to run a foot race with a broken ankle... . no movement at all in the beginning, just a need for rest, ice and a little massage... . then it was a sprained ankle for a slow walk... . and you know the rest of the progression.

So, we do need an end goal... . and we need a lot of support and grace and mercy and comfort and patience for each other to enable us to start moving toward that goal. 

[GopherAgent]

winston72... .

Thanks for the understanding and support.

Yes... . The impact of this matter (BPD) has been substantial in my relationship (32 years). I do not marginalize or minimize anyone who has dealt with this in their lives and fully appreciate the damage and havoc and long lasting impact it has on you.

I have only recently understood its impact on my life and I can fully appreciate the real wounding it has occurred in my life so I can understand your wounding as well.

The "steps" are really only suggestions to spur thinking about this matter. Obviously, you are here and you are thinking about healing and dealing with the long lasting BPD effects on you and your relationship. I understand your analogy to the broken ankle while racing metaphor and I can relate to it. Yes... . It's painful and healing is slow and I encourage you to continue to heal that ankle and make it stronger.

I lived, unknowingly, with a very severe problem for a very long time and reacted to with all of the wrong reactions, many of those I fully can identify with and understand from many of the posts on this site.

My awareness and healing has only recently begun and like you... . I understand the need for support, encouragement and grace in dealing with this matter.

Thanks winston72 for allowing me to make suggestions to forward these things in all of us. We all need acceptance and support for this difficult and slow process and your comments help with my understanding and growth in this matter.

GopherAgent   

[Clearmind]

Eric are you ready to date?

It's apparent I'm not, and the new girl has too close a connection with the ex. I'm changing my number to block all future correspondence with the ex.

I'm seeing the new girl tonight to break things off. Don't really know the best way to do it.

Let us know how you go Eric. It's ok to be honest and not bring ready is a true statement for you.

It's wonderful to allow ourselves some space to grieve, heal and move forward with in difference about our ex's. When we get to that stage we choose partners very differently. Nothing wrong with dating however when place too much energy on attaching to another we loose sight of our own healin and we repeat patterns.

Be kind to you and take care. Really find yourself and what you like and don't like to do - the right person will come along.