Effect of PD Sibling on One's Mental Health

[wkjkek]

I've tried over the years to collect some information about growing up with a PD sibling and its effect on one's mental health. Unfortunately, most information I can find is about the effect on the child of someone with BPD etc... .and I certainly understand why.

I have had to deal with several personal issues growing up and also in my adult years, such as a huge problem with perfectionism, chronic depression and anxiety, low self esteem as well as an eating disorder when I was younger. I never really thought about the possibility of whether having a sibling like mine (a sister with elements of BPD and DPD) might have a huge effect on my developing some of these issues-until recently. I realize, of course, about genetics making one susceptible to certain mental health issues and I also know that environment plays a large role but I have wondered a lot recently about the specific effect of a PD sibling. I cannot seem to get any information specific to this issue and I was wondering if any of you, with such a sibling, feel as though your various issues (if any) are specifically related to growing up with such a sibling? For instance, I frequently wonder if having a sister who is constantly in need of help/bailing out and is frequently causing drama could have made it more likely that I tried to be the perfect daughter to my parents so that I might feel "noticed" so to speak.

I would be very interested to hear your stories if you wouldn't mind sharing them. Thanks.

[Kwamina]

Hi wkjkek,

I think you've raised a very good point here. I grew up with an uBPD mom and uBPD older sis and I can relate to a lot of the issues you're talking about like the perfectionism, depression, anxiety and low self esteem.

For instance, I frequently wonder if having a sister who is constantly in need of help/bailing out and is frequently causing drama could have made it more likely that I tried to be the perfect daughter to my parents so that I might feel "noticed" so to speak.

My older sister is like this too, always causing a lot of drama. She even threatens to kill herself to get a certain response from us. My uBPD mom seemed to favour my older sis, probably because they both exhibit the same strange behaviors. Like you I also tried to be perfect but whatever I did it was never good enough for my mother. My mother was always very critical of me in a hurtful way. My oldest sister could do no wrong in her eyes. It was very hard for my other sister too because she was really treated like the all-bad child while my oldest sister was supposedly the all-good child. My sister's are both way older than me and I remember that even as a very young child I found it very confusing to see how the youngest was treated like all-bad while she did not wrong and the sister that actually was misbehaving was treated like a princess.

How did your parents treat you and your sister? And do you feel like your parents reinforced your sister's behavior?

[livednlearned]

I'm so glad you started this conversation! My uBPD brother was such a difficult, challenging, high-maintenance kid, bullying me, my mom, and kids in my neighborhood, threatening suicide, explosive temper, splitting, extremely controlling and demanding, routinely trying to humiliate me at social events. When my grandmother was dying in the hospital, uBPD brother created the biggest drama about the small thing, and refused to be in the hospital if I was there, refused to come to my parent's home where all our relatives were if I was there (where I was staying). So what did I do? Apologized. My parents asked me to apologize, even though no one knew what uBPD bro was so upset about. I did this my whole life. I was trained to do it. My role was not only to be perfect, but to soothe uBPD bro. I made my grandmother happy, flying home to spent time with her before she passed, and that triggered uBPD bro. But he couldn't say that, so found a minor infraction (telling him I would take a taxi home from the airport because my flight was going to come in so late). Do any of you get put in this position? Apologizing just so the family can restore some peace?

I suffered from anxiety, depression, and had an eating disorder in my 20s, dated explosive rager types, some of them with BPD traits, some narcissistic, then married N/BPDx, who seems to be a merge of both N trait dad (alcoholic) and uBPD bro.

The worse uBPD bro was, the more perfect I tried to be. I remember how controlling of myself I used to be as a teen. Laying my clothes out the night before almost obsessively, my room so orderly it looked like no one lived in it. Then chaotically messy. Then orderly. I was always trying to be perfect. Anything out of place distressed me.

My father (N traits) used to refer to me as a perfect daughter, at least until I asserted a boundary a year and a half ago. Now I'm in the dog house, an ungrateful child. I was perfect because I never complained, I apologized for things just to calm uBPD brother down. I became a resentful appeaser and people pleaser. My dad ended up buying uBPD a house (!) and paid for his wedding, but when I went through my divorce from N/BPDx and ended up with tons of legal debt, my dad said I was on my own. I made my bed, I sleep in it. I can't figure out if I was the golden child or scapegoat -- it's kinda reversed in my family. I was the good child, but also treated worse in a lot of ways. uBPD bro was a menace, but he has been coddled and protected. My dad values education, but barely recognizes my accomplishments. uBPD bro barely graduated from high school, but he is praised for reading a book. Literally one book. Dyslexia is a struggle for both me and uBPD bro, but somehow it's amazing for him to read a whole book, but me being in graduate school is a big yawn. Partly, I think, because N-trait dad is the first in his family to go to college, and I've passed him in achievement, and he can't acknowledge that because it's too close to inflicting a narcissistic wound.

Growing up with a BPD sibling absolutely impacted me. I grew up thinking it was not ok to be weak, and that affected everything from how I spent my leisure time (outdoors, high-risk, high adrenaline), to relationships (high adrenaline, challenging, mean guys) to work (I handle risk and chaos very well, and tolerate boss personality types that others cannot work with). I learned that love = tolerating abuse and to get love, you have to apologize for things you didn't do, and appease the tyrant.

I haven't interacted with uBPD bro since learning about the disorder and getting to know more about some of the tools here. I want to see what it's like, having boundaries and doing S.E.T. We haven't spoken for over 3 years, and I no longer know my nieces. Unfortunately, they all live 3000 miles away, so it's hard (and expensive) to get back there.

It's weird, tho. I am having an easier time forgiving uBPD, even though he was physically abusive until I was in my mid-20s. It's my N-trait dad that I'm having a harder time with. He was a grown-up, and positioned himself as the patriarch. But he never protected me, especially with the physical abuse. It was like he endorsed it.

[Blondy90]

I’ve thought a lot about this and can honestly say that having a dBPD sister definitely affected my mental health. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety. I am so freaked out that being with high adrenaline, argumentative and testosterone fuelled men has been mentioned! I’ve always gone for this type too and I’ve learnt to pacify them by saying sorry and admitting guilt where I probably shouldn’t. Speaking to my counsellor about this, I know this is down to my dBPD sister. I grew up anticipating unpredictable behaviour and was encouraged by my mum to apologise for fights we had and sweep her behaviour under the carpet. I was always singled out to be the one in the wrong as I was older and should’ve known better. I got used to drama and dealing with the fall out all the time and I think when I started having relationships, I needed the same pattern to keep me interested. I still don’t like being complimented and like a lot of space because of my low self esteem.

Something weird I know comes from my sister too is mumbling. I’m always being accused of not speaking loudly or clearly enough and have developed a ridiculous habit of trailing off at the end of sentences so no one hears what I say. I know this comes from having to take a back seat with my mum and being shouted down all the time when I was younger. Both my mum and my sister made me feel like what I was saying wasn’t important or worth listening to and my mum constantly told me I was wrong, especially if I challenged her about how she dealt with my sister’s behaviour or criticised the way I’d been treated. As a result I felt like my opinion didn’t count and what I had to say wasn’t worth listening to. This has also made me very critical of myself and I often find it difficult in the work place as I take any feedback negatively and think over and over about what I need to do to improve my performance. This has been to the point of having panic attacks and getting depressed, particularly when I am faced with a particularly nasty manager. I blame myself when things go wrong in life in general too and always ask ‘what did I do wrong’ when something bad happens. I’m better at recognising that not everything is my fault now!

I have OCD tendencies and can be very perfectionist. I’m sure this is because of the paranoia that my sister instilled in me. We shared a room from when she was born until we were 18. Her side was always an absolute state and it repulsed me. In contrast mine was very tidy and clean. She stole from me all the time because when she borrowed my things they either went missing or got ruined and as I had a part time job and paid for everything myself, my clothes were of massive value to me and I was sick of handing them over to her. My mum called me selfish for not sharing and because my mum condemned my behaviour, my sister felt she had a right to whatever was in my room. Shoes went missing, I couldn’t have any money in my room (I once saved £30 in tips from my hairdressing job and she stole it all to pay for a bottle of vodka and to get wasted) and even my underwear went missing. As a result, I knew the exact angling and position of every object in my room and could tell the minute she’d touched something because it would be out of place. Now although I don’t live with her, everything in my room has its place and position and I get anxious if things get messy or out of place.

Another thing I know has come from my sister’s BPD is a negative outlook on things in general. Because my mum had severe depression, I didn’t want to burden her with my feelings and I bottled everything up. I internalised my emotions and tried to work through everything myself. Now when I’m feeling low, I shut myself off from everyone while I sort things out in my head. My counsellor pointed out a pattern of depression (like peaks and troughs) as a result of this. When I’m depressed I’ll be down for about 3 weeks and then bring myself out of it but I do need time to completely indulge my negative thoughts and feel bad before I allow myself to be happy and positive again. I talk to people now when I’m feeling bad but my boyfriend gets frustrated that I don’t give him the full ins and outs of my thoughts when I’m clearly down. I get annoyed at having to explain myself because I can now deal with how I feel and bounce back without having to have someone’s shoulder to cry on all the time. If I ever have anything serious going on then of course I talk about it but if it’s little things that are bugging me I don’t. I don’t shut people out anymore but I do still follow a pattern of behaviour with my sad days as a result.

Because I was always the one picking up the pieces when my sister was behaving badly, it has led to me always expecting the worst and being what I call ‘realistic’ and what other people would call ‘pessimistic’. When something serious happens in my life or a major event takes place, I automatically prepare myself for the worst because of the experiences I’ve had and the way I’ve mentally protected myself from my sister’s behaviour. My boyfriend is constantly telling me not to be so negative and to be more optimistic. In my head though I’m not being negative, I just take worst case scenario and prepare myself for that outcome. Then I think realistically, based on previous experience what is actually likely to happen and then lastly I think about a positive outcome and best case scenario (although I never prepare myself for this). I do this because I’ve felt so let down before and been so hurt that if I expect the worse and the best happens I will be relieved and happy but if the worst does happen I’ll be prepared and able to deal with it effectively. I was always reassuring my mum and making practical solutions so there was someone strong to deal with the negativity of my sister’s behaviour. Inside I was in turmoil but didn’t want to show this to my mum so now I’m perceived to be pessimistic. I’m actually quite a happy, bubbly person but I’m just not over enthusiastic and like to be prepared for all eventualities.

My mum has accused me of being controlling in the past because I like to know what’s going on all the time and try and sort out how things are going to be dealt with. Maybe it is controlling but it was always about protecting myself and doing my best to help my mum and sister when things weren’t going so well and not about feeling in control and wanting to lead and dominate situations. As a result of this I’m a natural leader and that’s not always a bad thing. People like me because I’m organised and good at delegating jobs and responsibility out.

Funny that livednlearned mentioned an eating disorder. I've never had a diagnosed disorder but because I was bullied for being fat when I was younger by my sister and people outside of the family, I have been plagued with body issues my whole life. Even now I'm a size 10 (UK) and a healthy weight, I constantly judge myself everyday and have driven my boyfriend absolutely crazy with my body issues, to the point that I will cry over how I bad I feel about my weight and won't let him look at me while I'm getting changed because I hate myself so much. I'm ok when I go to the gym because I'm not constantly assessing what I eat and if I'm putting on weight but as I've had asthma this has been hard and my issues have got bad. I get really down sometimes about it but in general as long as I eat fairly healthily and work out I'm ok. I know I still have work to do here though!

These are my experiences and my sister’s dBPD behaviour has definitely impacted on me but I would say in general it’s made me a much more rounded and strong person than I probably would have been and I’m very good at being able to look in to situations and explain people’s motives and feelings so I’ve always been an agony aunt to my friends and family. It hasn’t all been negative but it had certainly been difficult!

[wkjkek]

Thank you all so much for replying to my question. I've been under the weather with a migraine so I will post more later but I can't help but notice so many similarities both in our experiences and the effects that having a sibling with a personality disorder has had on us. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you for telling your stories. I am surprised that there hasn't been more research on this question frankly. If it is out there, I haven't yet found it. I'll be back to post in detail as soon as my head stops pounding.

[Blondy90]

I just re-read your post livednlearned and I had to laugh to myself because I still lay out my clothes every night before I go to bed! It's funny how much behaviour is shaped by dealing with a BPD sibling.

Thinking about what you said and my experience, the obsessive tendencies are not surprising really. When you have a destructive BPD sibling and literally every aspect of your life gets infiltrated by them with your other family often against you (either intentionally or to keep the peace as in my case) you lose control over every family decision and everything that goes on in your life at that time. I got in to a very intense relationship when my sister was bad and I honestly used him as an escape to desperately try and claw back some of the love I was missing in my life at the time. We loved each other very much but my sister would use my relationship to hurt me and manipulate mum in to disliking him by using phrases like "He makes me uncomfortable in my own home". I literally could have nothing to myself! Luckily he was willing to fight my corner. Another reason my mum hated him. Maybe I subconsciously chose someone feisty and hot tempered to fight for me as I was so exhausted.

I totally get what you say about trying to be perfect. My sister always accused me of being the "good" one and made out like I had no life because I was so pristine. The reality is I wasn't good and got up to my own trouble but never pushed it on to mum like she did or told her in case she grassed me up! The worse her behaviour was, the more perfect I tried to be. Not to gain acceptance or acknowledgement but to purely protect my mum from further distress and to avoid her attention being on me when I felt she needed to focus on my sister. Looking back, I was very strong but it was a very sad place to be in.

Bit off topic but it's fascinating what you learn about yourself from reading other's stories!

[livednlearned]

This has been really helpful for me too. Thanks everyone. Makes me feel a weird kind of relief, to recognize more clearly how I coped is similar to how others coped, and what kind of legacy is in play.

Blondy90, I feel the same way you do, that there are some very positive qualities that came out of my experience growing up in my family. I would prefer a happy functional family upbringing, but I'm also very resilient because of my experiences. My goal now is to understand some of the negative aspects so I can be in a loving, intimate relationship, something I couldn't do when I wasn't aware how my FOO affected me.

[livednlearned]

I just re-read your post livednlearned and I had to laugh to myself because I still lay out my clothes every night before I go to bed! It's funny how much behaviour is shaped by dealing with a BPD sibling.

Thinking about what you said and my experience, the obsessive tendencies are not surprising really. When you have a destructive BPD sibling and literally every aspect of your life gets infiltrated by them with your other family often against you (either intentionally or to keep the peace as in my case) you lose control over every family decision and everything that goes on in your life at that time. I got in to a very intense relationship when my sister was bad and I honestly used him as an escape to desperately try and claw back some of the love I was missing in my life at the time. We loved each other very much but my sister would use my relationship to hurt me and manipulate mum in to disliking him by using phrases like "He makes me uncomfortable in my own home". I literally could have nothing to myself! Luckily he was willing to fight my corner. Another reason my mum hated him. Maybe I subconsciously chose someone feisty and hot tempered to fight for me as I was so exhausted.

I no longer lay out my clothes, but I prepare for morning the night before like it's a military operation! Lunches made, coffee ready to go, bags packed, everything in place. If it wasn't so helpful, it would be kinda sad  

I agree about the obsessive tendencies and how they could be a response to living with BPD chaos. They don't impact my life in a negative way, although I work in a very fast-paced chaotic organization, and sometimes it bothers me that people think I handle chaos so well. I tend to get hyper organized and that requires a lot of anxiety, which can be exhausting and unhealthy.

Now that I'm out of my marriage to N/BPDx, and have been learning a lot, I'm much more balanced. I don't need everything to be clean and orderly, but I also can't go long without tidying up. It bothers me that things aren't always in their place, but I try to read that as a sign that something is going on, maybe stress about other things or emotional discomfort about something.

[wkjkek]

I am very grateful to you for replying to my post! I have never had this conversation with someone in a similar situation before. In fact, the only other time I brought this question up was in a forum (not related to personality disorders) and I was jumped on my a psychologist who told me that I should not waste my time asking this, but rather just move on with my life. She said that I must need validation from the world about how horrible my childhood was and that perhaps I wanted to wallow in it. It was all quite astonishing and hurtful really, and I felt like a horrible person for asking the question. But I am someone who needs to understand and I don't think trying to figure out why I am the way I am is unreasonable.

It also seems there is little information out there about the effect of one sibling's PD on another sibling. I don't know if it is a lack of interest or a lack of available data because people don't speak about it much. I believe that most of us find our role in the family for one reason or another and I am guessing that when one has a sibling with this sort of disorder, there might be very specific reasons why we either choose those roles or have them thrust upon us. I have also beaten myself up for many years for being such a perfectionist, for having an eating disorder and for having such a difficult time with depression and anxiety. It would be really nice if I were able to absolve myself from some of the guilt by being able to say, "This is one of the reasons I had this particular difficulty, and that given my family experiences, it is very understandable." I don't know if this makes sense to anyone here but I hope it does. I am not trying to blame anyone but I am simply trying to understand and forgive myself.

My sister and I were both adopted by wonderful people. I was about 10 days old about 4 years later my sister was 3 months old. We are not biologically related. Our parents have been amazing but dealing with my sister has definitely caused them a lot of difficulty. I know they love me and they love her too. They have always tried to treat us equally but as time went on and my sister clearly began to demonstrate problems, a lot of time and energy went into bailing her out and fixing things for her. They had her tested for everything they could but at that time no one would have ever thought of personality disorders. I have since met my sister’s biological brother, heard a great deal about one of her biological sisters and her biological mother-they all appear to be similar in their behavioral issues so I am guessing that genetics plays a role in the development of her personality disorder. It has to. Neither of us were mistreated or neglected by our adoptive parents-we were extremely lucky to have been adopted by them.

I grew up doing well in school and for the most part being the good daughter-at least that was the role I attributed to myself. The more trouble she caused them, the more of the good daughter I tried to be. They were never surprised when I did well in school-it was what they expected of me. They didn't put pressure on me-I put it on myself. My mother told me once that my father felt I would always do well and could take care of myself but my sister could not which was why he would always do things to help her. I just felt lacking in attention so I tried harder to be better and I still find myself doing this today. I don't know if it has something to do with being adopted but I always felt that I never heard "I am proud of you" as much as I needed it. I do feel, in retrospect, that there was a direct correlation between my sister's acting out and my increased need to be perfect. The worse she was, the better I tried to be. She was and is a slob-at one point her apartment was so bad that it could have been on the TV show Hoarders. As a child, I became a neat freak and was definitely obsessive in many ways. I kept my room so clean and tidy, that I could tell if she had been in my room poking around. I had shag carpeting and could see her footsteps because I vacuumed so much. I also became obsessively organized (making to-do lists detailing every aspect of my day) to relieve the constant feeling of anxiety I always had. The thought of disappointing my parents was the worst thing I could ever imagine, so my need for perfection continued relentlessly. Of course, an eating disorder came from that need to feel perfect. My sister became very overweight when she started puberty and is now very obese. I’m sure that had something to do with my eating disorder as well. I didn’t want there to be any mistaking me for her. Depression and anxiety came from what I believe is a genetic predisposition and the feeling that I could never measure up to being the perfect daughter as I envisioned as my role. I remember my first bout of depression when I was 11 and I struggle terribly with it today.

My parents have always enabled my sister (unintentionally) but my father is by far the most guilty of this. He hates dissention and unpleasantness and will not allow arguments if at all possible. So, whenever my sister and I would get into it, he would stop it cold. I was never allowed to speak about what was bothering me or what she had done and as a result I have never ever felt heard. Never. I have always been shut down cold by my father if I tried to complain about my sister’s behavior. I also was often told to smooth things over with her as I was the older one. “Just apologize to her” they’d say or they would make me feel so guilty about how horrible she felt that I felt no other option but to apologize to her for something about which I didn’t feel responsible. More and more frequently, my parents would also step in if my sister and I fought and try to apologize for her. They’d say, “Oh, she feels just awful” and expect me to accept that as if she was the one apologizing. I finally convinced them to stop doing that as it meant absolutely nothing to me if she didn’t do the apologizing. She never has apologized to me about anything. She also lies brilliantly about very strange things-unimportant things as well as important things. We cannot tell many times when she is, in fact, lying and I think she honestly starts believing her own lies. It’s at times almost like I feel as though I am going crazy-wondering if something even happened the way I remembered it. My dad has (up until very recently) had a blind spot when it comes to her. He has done just about everything for her over the years and I mean everything. Things she should have been able to do for herself but couldn’t or wouldn’t. My mother was almost as bad but started to see things clearly a few years ago. It took my father a lot longer to admit she was “hopeless” as he calls it but he still does far too much for her and it sickens me how she expects him to and takes advantage of his kindness. My husband can’t stomach her at all.

Now, my sister has two boys of whom she has lost custody, and my parents spend all their time trying to make up for that with the boys. Her neglect of the boys was appalling. She would put any man before them in a millisecond. I remember many nights when she would leave them alone together (at about ages 10 and 12) and my father would call her apartment, find them alone and have to call her boyfriend’s place to order her to go home to the boys. Night after night. She even left them alone when the oldest was only 3, so she could go to another apartment in the building and sleep with some guy. The little boys had been sleeping but the older one got up, got out of their apartment and started wandering the halls looking for her. Thank God a neighbor found him and tracked down my father. My mother told the doctor so she would report the neglect to CPS. Mom just couldn’t make the call herself but she knew it had to be done. Nothing happened. No wonder they chose to live with their crappy father over living with my sister. I guess verbal abuse is better than neglect in their eyes. And she thinks she is a terrific mother! I have one son with Asperger's (he's highly gifted as well), ADHD, Tourette's and Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. There are times when it appears as though my father spends so much time thinking about my nephews that my son gets forgotten. It seems as though the problem is repeating itself in the next generation and I resent it. I know its juvenile but I do. I won’t even get started on how unkind and thoughtless she has been to and about my son.

My parents are now in their mid 80’s and my mother is in the final stages of Congestive Heart Failure. She is fading now and my sister can’t bring herself to do a bloody thing to help them. She won’t even get up off her a-s to help clear the table if we are at my parents’ house for Christmas dinner. Even if I ask her. It’s obscene. And I can’t make a scene by confronting her because it is too upsetting to my father. I still have to suck it up. She is useless with my mother so I am the one who tries to help with mummy and help my dad. I am getting to the point where I resent her so much that I am eventually going to snap and it’s all going to spill out one day. Then she will cut off all contact with me and start playing the victim role again with my parents, upsetting them when that is the last thing they need. I don’t care if I ever see her again, but as long as my parents are alive I can’t allow her to upset them any more than she already does. I know that I cannot control anything she does, or prevent my father from enabling her as he has been doing. But I don’t want to be responsible for a horrible confrontation around my parents as my mother doesn’t have a lot of time left. So, I continue to keep my mouth shut knowing that my need to feel heard will never be fulfilled. Not even once.

I am so sorry for the verbal diarrhea but it is as though this has all coming pouring out of me waiting for the time when someone might actually listen to me. It is such a relief to see that many of the ways I was affected by my sister’s behavior (depression, perfectionism, anxiety, eating disorder etc... ) is not that unusual for someone in a similar situation. I really do not feel alone anymore and I actually feel as though someone is listening. Thank you so very much.

[Blondy90]

wkjkek I'm very sorry you've had bad experiences with psychologists in the past and that you've had to keep it bottled up for so long. I think many of us can relate to this and know how difficult it is to feel that you're making a big deal out of something you should be able to cope with yourself - I know I have felt like this many times before.

When my sister was very bad with her BPD behaviour, my mum made herself ill trying to get her help and we went to numerous family counselling sessions, got her a therapist and tried the best we could to move forward. We were constantly told that we were pushing our family problems on to her, that my mum was overprotective and that she was behaving like a normal teenager. Because she could be so lucid and put on such a good front, all we heard from her social worker was that there was nothing serious to be concerned about. Her psychologist seemed to understand her and we have an inkling now that she had diagnosed her with BPD but never told us. The result was that we never got the support we needed to help her and even when we moved to a new area and she got diagnosed formally, we still never received family support. She has managed to get herself back on track and is now back at university and doing well, although she does have the odd hiccup. I actually think it was very irresponsible of that psychologist to say those things to you when they didn’t have your full story or background and their comments were unhelpful and ambiguous.

I think you can tell from reading our stories that there are clearly very obvious links between our behaviour and living with a sibling with BPD. I certainly understand how you have felt growing up and while I don’t blame all of my behaviour on my sister, I do recognise that what I did to cope with her behaviour has greatly affected me. When you are forced to deal with the amount of stress from the family that BPD brings, I think it would be illogical to solely blame yourself for the issues that come out of the situation. I think to heal, you need to understand why you are the way you are and then you can accept it and move forward. I hope you can start on that journey because having largely come through the worst of the effects myself, I know how important it is to understand yourself and take away the guilt and self-hate you carry around.

Interesting what you say about genetics. My mum always blamed herself for my sister’s BPD (she suffered from severe depression as a result of a very stressful job dealing with paedophiles and prosecuting them for working with children) thinking that she had somehow ‘pushed’ her problems on to her and this is something that my Dad will also have told her during their arguments when we were younger. However, if this is the case then surely I would suffer severe mental health problems too? The sad reality is mental health does run in our family, stemming from my great granddad who suffered shell shock (PTSD) during the war and who sadly went on to abuse his children as a result and thus the cycle continued. There is clearly a susceptibility to mental health problems genetically in my family and I would never blame my mum because we had a fantastic childhood despite her problems and if it wasn’t for her I know my sister would be dead or in prison by now.

What you say about being the ‘good daughter’ is something livednlearned and I both touched on and is something we can relate to. The eating disorders as well. I think a lot of that comes down to control as I mentioned previously and I know that when I let things slip eg. Putting on weight or letting things get messy, that a lot of the anxiety surrounding it is because I feel out of control. When I get depressed I feel that everyone is against me, no one understands me and that I am very alone. This is not true at all! I know those thoughts come from how I felt when I was younger and because I was allowed to believe those things as no one noticed or had time to address how I was feeling when my sister was acting up. Even when we got counselling I used to say ‘I don’t care about me as long as mum and my sister are ok’. I believed it at the time but when I sat down years later with anxiety and depression I finally accepted it wasn’t true and that I had been very badly hurting myself by covering up my feelings. It gets very easy to lie to yourself when you live with such drama all the time!

Sweeping things under the carpet is a similar theme too as I have read many people say they did this with a BPD sibling. My mum constantly made me do this and made me apologise to my sister. My sister always apologised to me but mainly as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to manipulate my mum and to make me trust her again. One day when I was 17 I absolutely snapped. Me and my sister were on a caravan holiday with my step dad, mum and step siblings and my mum made a very stupid decision to put me and my sister in the same room. We had an argument over something stupid and I shouted at her, leading her to start a full on physical fight. I was getting the better of her as I usually did when my mum pinned me down and unintentionally gave my sister the opportunity to throw a heavy glass tumbler at my head and basically knock me out. I went to go and get on a train home and my mum stopped me, again wanting me to play happy families. I wasn’t willing to do it but I had no choice as it was late at night and there were no trains running. I’d called my boyfriend at the time and was absolutely hysterical. He was frantic with worry as I sounded like an escaped mental patient. I literally had a break down. I spent all night talking to myself, crying and semi hallucinating. In the morning I upped and left and had to get a distant family relative to meet me at a train station to give me money as my mum refused to help me leave. Since that point, I have never ever glossed over family issues and I get very anxious and annoyed if I’m put in a situation where I’m expected to do it.

Another essay written but I hope that you will take our examples and know that you’re not alone and there are very real effects on your mental health when you have a sibling with BPD!

[livednlearned]

Blondy90 and wkjkek, this might be the most therapeutic thread I've been on -- I haven't had a chance to really connect with anyone like this about my own experiences. I'm just nodding my head about everything you're both describing. Especially how enabling parents can be when confronted with BPD behavior. I think it made it 100 times worse. I can remember as a child having very lucid, very clear ideas about what was healthy and what was not, and yet over and over again my parents sided with unhealthy, in order to minimize the conflict and keep the peace. I'm working hard to forgive them, and as odd as it sounds, your stories are helping. Because it makes me see the sad humanity in these chaotic families. I have only one child, and I know -- not even suspect, but know -- that it's because I could not bear to have two kids, to raise siblings who might be as high-conflict as uBPD brother and I were. I knew I had no better solutions if they fought or acted out.

I still feel angry about my father enabling the abuse. As a kid, it felt like he endorsed it. I thought maybe he hated women, and saw my brother as an extension of his own power and control, that uBPD bro was doing the right thing by abusing me and trying to keep me in line. It's so confusing to try and make sense of it. My father paid for my brother's wedding, and my brother got mad at him (he wanted the cash, my father wanted to control the funds). Then my dad offered to put a generous down payment down on the house, and my brother again wanted the cash to "flip' a couple of houses. My father was upset, because he felt it was an investment, not a business, and said no. They were at odds, fighting about it, but in the end my dad bought the house my brother now lives in. I just don't understand it -- to be so generous to uBPD bro, and then have him throw a tantrum? I don't get it. I never will. But then my dad buys it anyway, and justifies what he did by saying that it helps my brother feel good about himself, and keeps him close to my parents who want to see their grandchildren. uBPD brother is always splitting them black, though, and they are completely at his whim about whether or not they can see the grandchildren, and they live 15 min away.

I work on radical acceptance -- which is admittedly much easier from afar, since they are 3000 miles away -- but there are days when I really can't. I feel like my childhood was so dysfunctional, and my parents are enmeshed and so riddled with fear, obligation, and guilt, that it seems hopeless. It sometimes seems very sad indeed that I might be the healthiest one in the family. I draw hope from my son, wanting him to have a good relationship, and have poured thousands of dollars in therapy over the years for both of us, and while it has been very helpful and I've learned a lot, it sometimes seems like it will never be enough.

There are days when I can see how some of the qualities from my childhood have helped me be successful, but I also feel such deep pain and loneliness, and there are days I feel so weary it takes everything I have to get through even small things like grocery shopping.

Thanks for listening, and for sharing your stories. It's touched me really deeply -- even here, I was feeling a bit like odd-person out, even though I can see the traces of BPD throughout our family, it really is most manifest in my sibling. He was the explosive high-conflict drama king that defined our family dynamic.

[wkjkek]

Blondy90, Kwamina and livednlearned,

I cannot express just how much it is helping me, to read your posts and see the common effects we have all experienced. I just don't understand why the 'effects of a PD sibling on his/her sibling(s)' is such an overlooked topic in much of the literature available to the public. I have looked for this information off and on over many years but all I could find were small snippets in the odd article/book. The family as a whole seems to be addressed but not the siblings specifically. And when I have brought the issue up with various mental health care workers there either seems to be a reluctance to discuss it, or an underlying lack of knowledge. But when a patient presents with issues of severe depression, perfectionism, low self-esteem and/or eating disorders, and they also mention a sibling with a personality disorder (particularly diagnosed), I think it's bordering on negligence not to address it at some point in therapy. Glossing over it just doesn't make sense to me at all. In fact, the suggestion 'not to dwell on the issue or just move on' seems to be the exact same behavior as the enabling parent is displaying. The necessity most of us have -to be able to express our feelings about the sibling's behavior-seems to be a profound one as we were growing up. And it appears that most of us, to one degree or another, were never allowed that opportunity. I honestly think that the need "to be heard and have our feelings acknowledged" is a fundamental desire of any human being. And when one grows up in a family similar to ours, that need is suppressed to 'keep the calm". I can't help but think that when this happens, all the frustration, anger and resentment that a child feels starts to turn inward and is redirected at oneself. This results in depression, anxiety, perfectionism and often problems like eating disorders developing in the child. At least this is how I rationalize the effect of this inability to communicate my feelings. Factor in a genetic predisposition to some type of mental illness such as depression, and one has the perfect storm for a very unhealthy situation.

I can remember as a child having very lucid, very clear ideas about what was healthy and what was not, and yet over and over again my parents sided with unhealthy, in order to minimize the conflict and keep the peace.

Livednlearned, you could have been describing me exactly with these words. I remember, when I was pretty young, knowing what they were doing was making things worse with my sister. They tried to parent each of us in the exact same way because they always tried to be completely “fair” as they described. I vividly remember saying that she and I were very different people so we would not react the same way to the same things. That she needed a lot of boundaries whereas I hadn’t needed them. I was talking to a wall.

I have also felt anger and resentment towards my parents (particularly my father even though I adore him). I just couldn’t understand why he kept doing things for her that she could do/should do for herself. Why he would never allow one of the fights between my sister and me to run its course-he had to step in and stop every argument and prevent me from being able to say what I needed to say to her. And as a result she never faced consequences of her actions. A small example- decades ago when we both lived at home, she stole and used an entire bottle of my perfume (Opium). It was expensive and very strong so the stench was pouring out of her room. I confronted her about stealing it and using it. She lied and denied it. Ridiculous, of course. My father came upstairs and immediately shuts us down. Attempts to apologize for her and basically demands that I accept it announcing the argument is over. Insisted upon giving me money to buy another bottle and that’s it as far as he was concerned. I tried to tell him I wasn’t happy about it and he got mad at me rather than her. I never got to say what I needed to say to her and she walked away without ever apologizing or admitting she stole it. An unimportant anecdote yet reflective of what always happened on a larger scale.

Now, my parents still refrain from saying what is really needed to be said to her for fear that they will be prevented from seeing their grandchildren. I know in my heart she would most likely try and keep them from our parents but at least at the age of 17 and 15 it is less likely to be successful. I also just found out that they spent about $60,000 on looking after her when she and her husband split up after their second child was born. Granted, he refused to pay child support until forced to by the courts, but she was looked after my parents for years while she did nothing to bring in an income. They also paid for all her legal fees and she had the nerve to say our father didn’t get a good enough lawyer for her. They also just bought her a car about a year ago and she complained that the tires weren’t the best. My husband was laid off for 10 months (he just started back to work the week before Christmas) and since our son has several health problems and I do as well, we were trying to survive on a small amount of unemployment. My parents were so generous that they offered us financial help while my husband tried to find employment. As much as I hated to do it, I had to accept their help and I did so with a huge amount of gratitude (and embarrassment). Since Christmas was coming my mother wanted my father to give us some money to purchase our son a couple of Christmas gifts. My father balked on the amount but generously (again) gave us some money to help with gifts. The look my mother shot my father was a killer. She had told me earlier that afternoon about the $60,000 they had spent on my sister because I was feeling so awful about taking their money. Shut me up when she compared that to the amount they were giving us for a few months. No comparison. But when she saw my dad balk on a small amount of money for Christmas compared to what he (not my mother) decided to pay for my sister’s legal fees, I could see an argument ahead for them I was overwhelmed by their generosity so I didn’t care but even my mother could see the disparity and it bothered her.

When Blondy90 described the room she shared with her sister-her neat half and her sister’s messy half, I burst out laughing because that was the exact description of the room my sister and I shared for a couple of years. When we each got our own room, mine was always neat and my sister’s was disgusting. And when you went on to describe yourself as “realistic” as opposed to “pessimistic” I realized I do the exact same thing. I describe myself as realistic as well even though others call me pessimistic. I hope for the best but always prepare for the worst-because it seems to happen so much.

Blondy90 and livednlearned, I think that you both have experienced far more than I have in terms of drama and disruption by your PD siblings and I admire you both for how much work you have done in your recoveries. Blondy90, that fight with your sister when you were 17 must have been horrific. You both have done so much work on yourselves and appear so self-aware that I am both impressed and envious. I am just starting to even acknowledge the effect of my sister’s behavior on me over the years. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I hope I can do the necessary work to move forward myself. Having kept everything inside for 50 years, I think I might need a little more time to get it out. I start seeing a new psychiatrist next week to monitor my depression meds. Good psychiatrists are at a premium here so I really don’t have a choice about seeing this new one-my previous doctor found her for me when she retired a few months ago. This was nothing short of a miracle in my city. I am just afraid she will have the same reaction as most people, if I try to discuss this topic with her. I am very anxious about that first appointment. Almost sick with anxiety actually.

I am also worried that the temporary lull in my sister’s drama will stop shortly. She is known for being calmer when she has a man in her life. That seems to be the only thing she wants-a man. But our mother is dying (I was surprised that she made it to Christmas) and I am expecting only a few more months. I realize that nothing is set in stone but she is having more trouble breathing in the mornings and is very depressed at the moment. I am attempting to get her some help but it takes time. My dad is 84 and my mom is 82 so neither of them is a spring chicken. My sister is sure to fall apart and require oodles of attention should something happen to either parent. I have no intention of expending any energy looking after her. My parents and my child are my primary concern and since my sister is not helping at all with my parents I have no time for her drama. In all the years and hospitalizations of my parents, she has helped out once. I developed pneumonia this summer when both our parents were rushed to the hospital in separate ambulances at the same time. Our father was admitted for about 2 weeks and our mother was released but someone had to stay with her. I was diagnosed with pneumonia that same afternoon and spent the next 2 weeks in bed. I was not allowed to go near either parent so my sister had to move in with our mother and look after her. I can only guess, but it doesn’t appear that it went too smoothly. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t do anything to help but I was on bed rest. Initially my sister told me that I shouldn’t worry and just get well, but I think she became overwhelmed pretty quickly because she started getting snippy and then nasty on the phone with me-making demands on my husband to fill in for her even if it meant turning down a job interview. By the way she behaved it became clear to me that she felt put upon and in way over her head with mom. While I was exceedingly grateful she moved in with mom, she was behaving as though she was the only one who ever did anything to help our parents. What a crock. Finally, we ended up having a heated discussion on the phone and she lost her cool. We had a big fight over nothing (actually she had the fight and I was just trying to figure out what was going on) and I remember her screaming at me to “just get well” and hanging up. I tried to make a gesture of peace, attributing her behavior to being tired and overwhelmed, but she refused to acknowledge the gesture and we haven’t spoken since other than in passing when we are both at my parents. She hasn’t lifted a finger since. I am so resentful of her at the moment that I could scream at her until I lose my voice. And then start all over again with sign language.

All in all, I just dread the next few months as I feel she is going to go off the deep end, take advantage of our father in his grief, and play the grieving daughter for the world at large when she really has, at best, a tumultuous relationship with my mother. I am going to miss my mother more than words can say, and I think when I lose her I will lose my dad too. Boy, I sure hope that new psychiatrist isn’t a complete dud!

I am so sorry for the long post guys-once again. I guess I still have way too much to say. Thank you so much for listening.

[Blondy90]

Wkjkek I really wish you the best of luck with your new therapist and that they will be able to recognise how damaging the BPD behaviour has been to you. If not, at least you know there are people here willing to listen to your struggle and identify with it! I'm 23. I cannot imagine what it's been like for you to carry these feelings and that hurt around for so long. You need to protect yourself from her behaviour and take time out to help yourself before you help her (if you even have the energy to do that). Sorry to hear about your mum, that must be terrible. Please take time to grieve properly outside of your feelings for your sister if you can. Try and ignore how she behaves in the situation as it's really crucial you have time to process your feelings before dealing with what she is doing. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better when you're hurting just as bad.

I've found this thread very therapeutic too. Sometimes saying things (or writing things) helps you to really process them in your mind. I've found it so nice to be able to recount events and experiences without being made to feel that I'm being overdramatic, that it was partially my fault or that I need to leave things in the past. I talk to my mum a lot about things that have happened but my mum very much has an i'm right, you're wrong attitude and sometimes talking to her is difficult without feeling frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I think she's amazing and it's nice we can discuss things but she does shut me down sometimes. I think she would have a hard time accepting the full extent of the impact my sister's behaviour has had on me And I know she would feel guilty. Although, having said all that I think she has recently begun to significantly come to terms with how devastating the impact has been on all of us, having a BPD family member.

The frustration you describe about not being able to fully express yourself to your sibling is something I can definitely identify with. If I ever did try and challenge her about her behaviour she would fly off in to a massive rage and I knew that it just wasn’t worth it because I’d have to deal with more physical abuse and being told it was my fault by my mum the majority of the time. It broke my heart every time she stole from me but I think my mum kind of numbed herself to it and didn’t want to challenge her for fear of being seen to be favouring me and making my sister’s problems worse. In the end I had to just try and let it go over my head but I ended up bottling up a hell of a lot of anger and at that time, I couldn’t connect emotionally with my sister at all. It was only when something really bad happened to her that the protective sisterly instinct kicked in or if I saw people treating her badly which is kind of weird because I shouldn’t have blamed them really.

This is a bit off topic but I once fell out with a group of my friends because their behaviour had become nasty and dangerous and I didn’t want to associate with them anymore. My sister saw this and decided that she would get in with them and introduce them to her friends which really made me angry. I warned my sister that they were bad news but she didn’t listen. Their behaviour spiralled out of control and they were getting drunk and out of their heads on drugs. My sister would run away for days on end and even though we were desperate to make contact with her, no one would tell us if she was ok or talk to us about what was happening. It culminated in my sister being seriously sexually assaulted. Minutes before she had begged my ex friend to call us and apologise and she had told my sister that she had called us and we didn’t care. We didn’t love her and wanted nothing to do with her. When I found out, I really don’t know how I held things together. I was devastated. I felt like all my internal organs had just seized up and stopped functioning and I was so angry with my ex friend I was on the verge of going to her house and doing something stupid. It was the clashing emotions of being angry and resenting my sister but at the same time feeling protective and loving her that made me crazy. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that with your sibling but it’s hard. I don’t know how on earth I managed to keep myself sane at times!

I know how you feel about always being on edge, waiting for something bad to go wrong. I feel that too. Every time I know my sister is in London with her friends I’m just waiting for an abusive call from her or for someone to tell me she’s in serious trouble again. It’s horrible. I think when you grow up with their behaviour, you subconsciously pick up on situations where you know they’re going to be bad so you can prepare yourself. Sometimes my sister has been true to form and sometimes she’s really surprised me at how controlled she can be. It’s harder said than done but I try not to pre-empt her anymore and give benefit of the doubt (after I’ve prepared myself for the worst) so that I can try and be stronger and more supportive to her. Of course, I shouldn’t have to be there for her if I can’t manage it but she’s my sister and despite everything I love her very much. I know they say nothing compares to a mother’s love but I think people underestimate how close a bond siblings can have too and how much their behaviour impacts on each other.

Thank you all for listening, it really means the world to be able to pour out feelings to people that understand.

[wkjkek]

Blondy90,

I'm so much older than you but I think that you are a lot wiser about this than I am. I do recognize the dichotomy of feeling so furious at my sister and yet so protective of her should something bad happen to her.

This past summer, at the same time my mother was in the hospital and was very ill, my sister was in another hospital extremely ill herself. She was within 24 hours of dying from a blood infection which ended up in her losing a kidney, her spleen and part of her pancreas. It was all due to the fact that she refused to do anything about her diabetes. Regardless of the number of health complications she had from the diabetes, she would eat what she wanted, wouldn't test herself and wouldn't take her insulin. Didn't matter how much anyone said or did to try and bring her to her senses. That is how she has always been. Because of this, what should have been a very minor infection almost killed her. I was running back and forth from hospital to hospital trying to do what I could. I was torn between being sick with worry and being beyond furious with her. I ended up so exhausted that I eventually developed pneumonia and ended up in bed for weeks at a time when my mother really needed my help. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I get upset when someone else says or does anything bad to her but she has simply made me numb from sheer exhaustion-both mental and physical.

Your sister is so lucky that you have a great head on your shoulders and have a good understanding of what makes her the way she is. When I grow up, I want to be more like you.

[jtmur1]

Snap, snap and snap! I can relate to all of your posts. I'm a newbie here and found BPD family while I was searching for I formation on BPD siblings! I wrote my I trod unction under 'my BPD sister has poisoned most of my family against me' so I don't bore you with the details again... .

I can relate to your situations. I'm the oldest by 1 year. I was made responsible for her which was a nightmare but set me up for trying to help her until I went NC 5 years ago. I still struggle with being a perfectionist and the anticipation anxiety of the pressure of completing everything perfectly. I am working on it especially as I don't want to condition my 6 yr old daughter.

I am so sorry for all the things you have been through. I have had to go NC with members of my extended family as their 'solution' to the issues between us is for me to apologise and since our parents died when we were teens there's been noone to deal with her. Our extended family live interstate and believe her lives.

I am so comforted to read about fellow members experiences with specifically, siblings. I want to absorb all your posts and will then reply with something helpful, I hope... .

[Tayto]

for wkjket, i would think everything has an effect on your growing up. envoirment,conditions etc.

Growing up in a large family as i did and living with two parents who clearly had traits of BPD although i suspect my father was just a physchopath it has its effects. one of my sisters always kept her head down and kept cleaning to avoid what was going on around her, as it turns out she cleans houses for a living. my other sister took the, i,m doing nothing approach and left the load to my other sister who would have to work harder so as it would be all done before my parents got home.

having people wround you will affect your thinnking and your way of looking at the world as they can rub off on you so to speak.but yes in my opinion having anyone around you can influence you. i,m never late because my brother is always late and i dont want to be like him.

I do most of the house work in my home as I look up to my eldest sister and she cleans so I like to be like her.

my younger brother is a very calm person, as when i was younger i was not so calm and he says he learnt this from me on what Not to do. i have learned on some siblings what to do and on others what not to do as they have from me.

[enough abuse]

truly a interesting thought,

I have a uBPD sister.

I have always thought I maintained my "mental health" quiet well but I do have perfection tendencies... . which sometimes do not do me any favors... . I truly would do anything for my mom but feel to a degree I need to "compensate" for all the pain my sister causes. 

It bothers me what people thing of me because of the lies she tells about me. 

So sorry we all need to experience this situation and everything that comes with a BPD relative... . this site sure helps me through bad days and I hope others feel the same way

[raytamtay3]

I ventured on to this thread because I fear for my DS6 and wanted to see if siblings of those with BPD suffered as a result of being around them. It really scares me.

My DS6 has witnessed so much already. He sees his DS(14) cursing and looks at me like "why aren't you doing something about this"? I have tried to explain to him that DD has an illness. But I'm not sure he understands. He sees DD getting away with things that I get on him about because I feel he "gets it" and is a "normal" child who responds to traditional parenting techniques that DD does not.

He has been acting out in school lately. Not in a way DD exhibited. He is more of the class clown and gets in trouble because he causes a distruption because of it and also because he's been heard cursing too.

Any suggestions from those who went through it on how I can help my DS?

[Tayto]

hi, what is DS, DS6  and DD mean ?

[raytamtay3]

Lol. Sorry. DD = darling daughter  :)S = darling son DS6 = darling son who is six (they are one in the same).

[Tayto]

I,m not sure if it has or has not.

I,m 6 years older than my brother and if anything through my BPD he has become a great man by doing everything differently than I did. he always said that he learned from all I had done and did not want to repeat it, I,m 35 he ios 29  now and we get on great

[raytamtay3]

Keezie - That's very encouraging to hear. And congrats to you for over coming BPD. You give me hope that my daughter (DD14) will some day as well. Peace.

[livednlearned]

Any suggestions from those who went through it on how I can help my DS?

Hi raytamtay3,

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I was reading a book review about Parenting a Highly Emotional Child, and there is a section on the siblings in there, how to parent them when there is a highly emotional child in the mix. I didn't read the book, but looked at a sample, and thought it was interesting that the authors talk about treating an emotional disorder like a learning disability, and sort of presenting it the same way. I dunno... . maybe if my parents had a diagnosis for my brother, or understood emotional dysregulation, and made it explicit that he gets treated different because he has a problem regulating emotions, that might have made things a little less chaotic and hurtful for me. Maybe I could have learned to develop my own boundaries with that kind of information. "uBPD brother can't regulate emotions, it's about him, not me."



Here's the review: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200554.0

[Tayto]

I think you are right livedandlearned,

what we were taught is

lets say a highly sensitive child comes running in and says

mam tommy hit me and he is crying

mothers says, oh just go out and play

because the child is feeling hurt and sad he does not know the exact feeling and this turns to anger.

same thing happens,

boy says tommy hit me

mother says, does this make you sad as tommy hurt you as she sees her son crying

yes it does

child understands that its sad and hurt so can place them feeling with this in the future.

Bpd go from normal to rage in a second as they connot understand the in between emotions.

Learning your emotions is huge and naming them.

[Blondy90]

I think you're in a difficult position there raytamtay3. I really don't envy any parent looking after a BPD child because it's incredibly difficult to deal with their behaviour and how they make you feel emotionally whilst trying to parent other children the best way you can.

I think if I were to look back and ask myself what would have made the situation better there are a few things that could have been different but unfortunately while your living in the same house together, there aren't going to be any simple solutions.

I really looked for an escape when things were bad at home. I found my now ex boyfriend which was great but my DBPDsis found a way to meddle in that relationship as best she could and use it as another tool to control my mum. I know it's hard but you have to reaffirm your non BPD children as much as you can without being scared about the reaction you'll get from your BPD child. If my mum had made more time for me and told me she was proud of me and that I wasn't in the wrong for our fights, it would have made it a lot easier for me and helped me to be stronger. One of the most difficult things for me at that time was feeling alone and being blamed for triggering my sister's behaviour. I was often called selfish, cold and even a bhit by my mum.

A bit more time and support would have gone a long way. Being honest helps too. I hated having to sweep things under the carpet all the time to make my mum happy and try and give her an easier time. It's a lot of responsibility for a teenager to take on.

Having my own room would too but I know this isn’t always possible. I would have loved a lock on my room even when we moved to a bigger house!

There are no easy answers. The book livednlearned recommended sounds great. I would say setting boundaries is important too. Don’t take unacceptable or abusive behaviour because you feel you should be able to deal with it and set clear limits on what you will and will not tolerate. I think it’s important for the other children to see consistency in how you punish bad behaviour and reward good behaviour. The injustice of our differing treatment was something that really affected me as a teenager. I know it’s difficult though and using normal parenting tools isn’t always effective with a BPD child.

[livednlearned]

Having my own room would too but I know this isn’t always possible. I would have loved a lock on my room even when we moved to a bigger house!

The only room in our house that had a lock was the bathroom, so I spent a huge amount of time hanging out in there. That's where I did my homework