Helping myself.

[buntyndaisy]

Hi everyone, I am in tears writing this, my dd 29 has BPD, is in group therapy and has made quite a lot of progress, but still flys off the handle very quickly, me and my dh were at the cinema last night and she couldnt get hold of me, for a problem she was having, I did tell her we were in the cinema and couldnt answer her call, after messages flying back and forth, it was all about her and how she was feeling so stressed ect, I know sometimes she cant help it but I visited her this afyernoon and she was telling me how she couldnt get hold of me and wanted to discuss her sons behaviour ect, but for some reason, I just lost it and yelled at her and walked out, I'v never done that before but I feel that I cannot cope anymore, she split from het husband nearly 18 months ago and it was horrendous, suicide attempts, drinking, police being called ect ect, it died down quite a bit, now she is on meds to control her moods but sometimes she does blow up and god forbid. I am on meds for depression myself as I just could not cope and I'm still not, sometimes I just want to go to bed and never wake up, it sounds awful I know, but I feel like at any moment she is going to blow up about something or something will happen and I'll be the referee, again, I just dont feel I have the strength anymore, I feel like I'm living on the edge, I used to be able to deal with her behaviour but the last couple of months I cant deal with anymore of it, she lost custody of her children but now sees them regularly which she loves, that was a long and stressful court battle, why do I feel this way, my daughter is not speaking to me now because of my one off outburst, I did say to her that I know sometimes she can control some of her actions and pretends that she cant, she goes to group dbt for the last few months and I do feel its helping her but my tolerance with her at the moment is zero, how do others cope and do you sometimes feel like this, I am starting therapy next week, so I'm hopong I'll get some coping skills myself, anyway, thankyou for reading such a long message and take care all x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

buntyndaisy,

I am sorry that you are in such a state of depression.  I have felt like that at one time.  I have reacted to my dd after taking so much.  What I found to be helpful was after I calmed down, and reflected over situation, I tried a do over.  I would validate her feelings.  validating was not agreeing with her, but I validated the feelings, and I apologized. 

I am not saying that I agree with what she is saying.  In fact, I will say it is a matter of agreeing to disagree.  Look over to the right and click on Valdiate the Valid.  Actually, read all of the communication tools.

I am glad that you are getting into therapy for yourself.  Are you going to be learning the DBT skills, too?  I thought when one was going through DBT, the family learns the skill too.  Individual therapy for yourself will help you.  We need to take care of ourselves.   

peace

[jellibeans]

Dear buntyndaisy

I do think reading the communication skills to the right would be good for you. I really struggled with this at the beginning with my dd16. I found that when I lost my temper she became even worse. I really try and remain calm but if she is unable to remain calm I just call for a time out. Defusing the conflict early is key.

[MammaMia]

Buntyndaisy

Good advice from jellibeans and Peaceplease.  Things will get better when you communicate with your dd in a quiet, low-key way.  Please check out the information here.  It does work.  I have found that it is often better to just listen and not engage.  All pwBPD really want is to be heard. They do not want our advice or to be interrupted.

Another important fact to never lose sight of is that their ramblings, repetitious statements, and circular arguments are products of their BPD.  This is not something we can stop or even rationalize.  It is part of the disorder.  Their brains are wired to over-react.  We cannot change that, but we can change how WE react to them. 

Take a deep breath and read, read, and read.  There is so much great information here.  Please take

the time to check it out.

[Being Mindful]

buntyndaisy,

I am sorry that you are in such a state of depression.  I have felt like that at one time.  I have reacted to my dd after taking so much.  What I found to be helpful was after I calmed down, and reflected over situation, I tried a do over.  I would validate her feelings.  validating was not agreeing with her, but I validated the feelings, and I apologized. 

I am not saying that I agree with what she is saying.  In fact, I will say it is a matter of agreeing to disagree.  Look over to the right and click on Valdiate the Valid.  Actually, read all of the communication tools.

I am glad that you are getting into therapy for yourself.  Are you going to be learning the DBT skills, too?  I thought when one was going through DBT, the family learns the skill too.  Individual therapy for yourself will help you.  We need to take care of ourselves.   

peace

My experience is that when the person with BPD is a minor, there is an adolescent/parent skills group they do together. Seems like a good model and it worked for us, but now that she is an adult, there is no similar skills group.

[MammaMia]

Bunty

There is no shame on being on antidepressants.  Give them time to work.  Many of us could not survive without them.  I am one of those.

Take care of yourself and do the best you can.  That is all any of us can do.

[js friend]

Hi Bunty,

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Theres a song called "Stuck in a moment" that I used to set my off because thats exactly how I felt. :'(

Trying to cope with BPD demands while you are stressed out yourself can send anyone over the edge. I have had those blowouts too with my dd which I think is only normal when things are getting ontop of us that in the moment we often forget the best ways to communicate.

I think it is also important to try to remember to be kind to ourselves and make time for our own needs as well as our dd's/ds's. Do something for you however small it is.It Could be taking a walk or reading a mag uninterrupted by switching off your phone, or joining a class.Going to the cinema was a good start with your dd. maybe you could switch your phone off next time.I used to make sure I did something every weekend that took me out the house when dd lived here.At first it was hard to motivate myself to do it but in time I began to look forward to my weekends.

It may also be worth you having your antidepressants looked at again if you have been taking them for a while and  feel that they are not currently helping you.

Things will get better Bunty.

Progress may be slow but it will happen becuase you are taking the steps to You are make it happen.

As the song says "Its just a moment, and this time will pass"

Take care of yourself.

[Irma]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.   I've got a lot to learn from your experiences and I could use your expertise to srot out my life.  Hugs

Irma

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Buntyndaisy,

You have received some good insight and advice so far.

Please don't be hard on yourself... .   It sounds like you have reached your breaking point after a long time of dealing with it all. Maybe your body is trying to tell you that you need at least a bit of a break here and there... .

Can you think of ways to build those breaks into your schedule and gradually creating healthier boundaries for yourself, so you can take care of yourself, stay healthy, and then help your daughter from that place?

[MammaMia]

Irma

We are delighted to have you here! 

We will also learn from you and your experiences.  We all work together to try to make life better for each other.  That is what Family does.

Please keep posting.  We have work to do.

[buntyndaisy]

Hi everyone, thankyou so much for all your advice, me and my daughter are now speaking, I apologised for my outburst and DD with BPD was very understanding of it as she knows I'v not been very well. Had a phone call fron MIND and they have offered me an appointment on Thursday the 13th Feb, to start my counselling, looking forward to that, take care and thankyou all again xx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

so good to hearbuntyndaisy... . it takes time... . don't be hard on yourself. so glad you found this site...