How to Manage a BPD Mother

[simpleme]

Hello and Happy New Year and thank you for all the support on here.

I have a specific question. Practical ways of handling a BPD parent.

I have been reading a great book on the Borderline Mother- and its incredible because its been describing my mother totally- including her behaviour now. And it also has areas that have made me ask could I have this also

I need some advice on practicals on coping with my mother

Over the xmas period I maintained NC- so have spoken to her for about 10 days maybe 2 weeks- that feels like 2 days to me and probably a year to her from her reaction. In that time she has rung me 3 times and today she left another message asking me where was I, why do I never ring her, she wants to know I am alive. Basically a miserable negative message that leaves me angry.

I seem to have 2 emotions for her- guilt that I have not rung or I dont visit much at all or that her life is such a mess. And then total anger when we speak- as soon as I hear her voice I want to shout at her- and all I feel is her pity me attitude sucking me dry. Our conversations on the phone or even in person are stilted and dull with her just letting me all her problems and never listening to me. I cannot bear speaking to her. But I want to do the right thing. Of course she worries about me, of course she is alone and yes it would be nice for me to ring every now and then and check in I suppose.

I just cannot bring myself to do it and then sit with the phone away from my ear as she starts complaining or crying. Thats the gist of most of our phone conversations. Is there anything practical I can do to cope with this?

And also how to I let go of this incredible anger I feel towards her. Im so angry at her for the life I now have. If she had been a healthy mother, not hit me, not locked me in rooms, not abused me emotionally, not held me back and isolated me, not judged me and judged everything that meant anything to me Im sure my life would have been so much richer than it is now. And Im angry she never took the measures to look at her stuff the way an adult does or needs to specially when a parent. Im angry that she still uses me as a crutch. She feels like a dead weight round my neck and some days I just wish she would go far far away and then I feel terrible for feeling like that.

How do I break this cycle?

Any advice really appreciated.

Thank you all

[charred]

She guilts you, pushes yours buttons and pisses you off. You blame her for your own issues... . probably with just cause.

By now you know you can't force her to change... but you don't have to tolerate her acting as she does, instead you avoid her.

My mother is a piece of work... she is very passive/aggressive. As a teenager, when I was going to go out, she would wait till I was dressed and time to leave on a date then say I couldn't go till I did something like clean dog pens (that would make it impossible to go on a date without cleaning up again)... . but wouldn't mention these last minute things any of the times I asked her if anything needed to be done. That was her normal way of doing things. I moved out when my folks split... was 14, and she was pissed and didn't talk to me for 3 yrs... when she called, she was all sweetness and invited me out to her house. Found out she had the vet coming to put down our family dog (who I loved)... and wanted me to bury it. I didn't talk to her for 7 yrs after that. Slowly we have got back to talking... . but its not good.

My point is not clear... . even to me, but what I learned from it all... you will care about your mother... . because she is your mother, and you can tolerate a bit of crud as nobody is perfectly easy to deal with... but as an adult, I make my own decisions about how I spend my time, who I spend my life with, and unchosen family members are welcome to be a part of my life so long as they are civil and not inimical to my life. My father is malignant NPD... . and 100% out of my life for 14 yrs now... mom I talk to and will see and visit... . till she acts like your mom. I don't feel guilty anymore about it... its her choice.

Forgiving them is very important... . because it frees you from clinging on to the excuse that they made your life the mess it is. They were involved... you were driving. I fell for a pwBPD... back in my 20's... and she dumped me and I pined for her and felt everything would have been great if only I had her in my life... went on and did okay... then got her back... and it was hell, pure hell. For 20 yrs I had clung to not having her as the root of my problems... . but problems went back to FOO and ultimately... . back to me doing something about my problems. See a T, learn mindfulness... forgive those that you are angry with... then forgive yourself and get back in to the game of really living life.

Your mother... . you can talk to if you like, don't if not... send her an email or snail mail... if you have siblings see what they think... but clinging to it isn't going to help you... . I am over 50 now, and realize that in my teens I had a valid point it was my mother making me crazy... . these days, its me making me sane/happy.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi simpleme and Happy New Year to you!   

I need some advice on practicals on coping with my mother

I just cannot bring myself to do it and then sit with the phone away from my ear as she starts complaining or crying. Thats the gist of most of our phone conversations. Is there anything practical I can do to cope with this?

Sometimes you have to set firm limits and boundaries, and these can help keep you from getting upset while you're on those calls. Both you and your mother want to be heard and validated, and it's very understandable that you get frustrated when your mother complains to you. When your mother starts complaining, how can you validate her feelings, but explain that you are not comfortable continuing that particular conversation?

And also how to I let go of this incredible anger I feel towards her. Im so angry at her for the life I now have. If she had been a healthy mother, not hit me, not locked me in rooms, not abused me emotionally, not held me back and isolated me, not judged me and judged everything that meant anything to me Im sure my life would have been so much richer than it is now. And Im angry she never took the measures to look at her stuff the way an adult does or needs to specially when a parent. Im angry that she still uses me as a crutch. She feels like a dead weight round my neck and some days I just wish she would go far far away and then I feel terrible for feeling like that.

I think we've all felt that anger to some degree. In all honesty, it does take some work, but it's also very freeing and incredible to work through the anger. That guide to the right of this page, the Survivor's Guide, really gives you an idea of what that healing looks like. It's about freeing yourself from the anger and hurt you're feeling and working towards healing. Where do you think you are today?

Are you working with a therapist now? That's another great way to help you through this.

[Kwamina]

Hello simpleme and Happy New Year to you too!

I cannot bear speaking to her. But I want to do the right thing.

I think we all want to do the right thing, but what is the right thing? If speaking to her has this huge negative impact on you, you could wonder if this really is the right thing for you to do? Or if it's only good for your mother? I can very much relate to your guilt. BPD parents are very good at manipulating their children to make them feel guilty for allegedly not giving them enough attention. However, what they fail to see or choose to ignore is that their own behavior is the main reason their children don't wanna be around them.

I just cannot bring myself to do it and then sit with the phone away from my ear as she starts complaining or crying. Thats the gist of most of our phone conversations. Is there anything practical I can do to cope with this?

What I do whenever my uBPD mother starts misbehaving on the telephone, is tell her that I'm going to hang up because I won't accept this behavior from her. I've come to a point that I accept that she ain't never gonna change, I still want contact with her but that doesn't mean that I have to allow her dumping all her negativity on me.

And also how to I let go of this incredible anger I feel towards her. Im so angry at her for the life I now have. If she had been a healthy mother, not hit me, not locked me in rooms, not abused me emotionally, not held me back and isolated me, not judged me and judged everything that meant anything to me Im sure my life would have been so much richer than it is now. And Im angry she never took the measures to look at her stuff the way an adult does or needs to specially when a parent. Im angry that she still uses me as a crutch. She feels like a dead weight round my neck and some days I just wish she would go far far away and then I feel terrible for feeling like that.

How do I break this cycle?

The anger is something I still struggle with too. What helps me is realizing that yes she wrong to treat me this way, but no matter how angry I get, nothing I do can change the past. That's why I try to focus on the present. I realize now that my anger is actually preventing me from moving on. I see now that I was holding on to the past just as much and maybe even more than the past had a hold on me. You can't change anything that has happened, but you can change how you deal with things from this point onward. When you were growing up your mother had all the power and this may still feel so, but in reality a lot of her power has been broken. It ain't nearly as easy to control adult children and she probably realizes this too or at least subconsciously senses that she's losing control over you.

[cheerio99]

in my teens I had a valid point it was my mother making me crazy... . these days, its me making me sane/happy.

I love this.

[simpleme]

Thank you for the responses!

Ive seen from the book Im reading my mother used to be the witch and queen borderline- rages, violence, and degradation, threatening to kill me- so much so I wanted to kill myself time and again and tried. Cut myself, starved myself all that. I think because it started when I was 4 and went on until I finally finally said enough at 33- yes 33 its all those years of putting up with it thats the rage in me.

Though I moved out for Uny I still went back, I was still on the phone, I was still feeling guilty and anyway any time I went home or moved back home she would play all those tricks on me- springing last minute emergencies every time I had an important meeting, interview, giving me plastic surgery brochures just as I was getting ready, buying me tons of clothes always about 2 or 3 sizes too big for me. In the end she wore me down so much I lost hope for all my dreams, I stopped going out because if I did she would wail- yes wail down the phone at me and then all night when I came home. I stopped caring for myself because most of the time I wished I was dead. I had no money because either she needed it to spend I dont know on what, or I was in debt because in my family no one taught you about managing your finances. My father never supported me when I was growing up and my mother just said put it on a credit card! Ive been learning to be financially mindful in the last 3 years. No one taught me how to cook, how to look after myself, anything really of any use. And Im angry about that and sad. A 4 year deserves love- every child does. I feel like Im having to learn now how to be in the world.

Now she is the waif and hermit and people pity her- sometimes I just want to slap her, other times save her. I see the waif and specially the hermit in me also. And I dont want to be like her.

And I see that fear of what my mother would say or do has ruled my whole life. I had chances to travel, leave or be with someone but always always it was but my mother needs me... . and now she is older and may well need me- I could not care less sometimes. I gave her 33 years of my life and I cant anymore

Yes I have looked at this for years. Ive seen therapists on and off- but then some drama comes along and Im back in her world or the therapy stops because I run short of funds.

I also use meditation and chanting and yoga and reiki- Ive done it and keep doing it all. I want to be free of this

My father is an alcoholic and probably either Borderline himself or a Narcissist- no siblings- just me.

I want to be free-  I do- I just dont know how to be. My mother feels like this weight around my neck and I want to be free of her.

Do I want to sympathise with how she feels? Sometimes. Sometimes I am so lacking in compassion I just could not care less.

I want this anger gone- Ive tried to release it, Im working on it but the truth is I need some help being free of it.

I know only I can do this- I suppose I am struggling with how... . your support on here means a lot

Thank you

[GeekyGirl]

simpleme, kudos to you for finding some healthy ways to deal with your pain. 

Cut myself, starved myself all that. I think because it started when I was 4 and went on until I finally finally said enough at 33- yes 33 its all those years of putting up with it thats the rage in me.

You'll find here that many of us didn't even see our BPD parents behavior as unusual until we were adults. As children, we needed our parents for survival. We needed them to be loving, nurturing providers. At the same time, we had no other frames of reference--typically we only have one set of parents. It's only in adulthood that many of us can see how we really grew up.

Do you think that some of that rage is part of mourning? It's very typical to go through an anger phase as part of the mourning and healing process.

I also use meditation and chanting and yoga and reiki- Ive done it and keep doing it all. I want to be free of this

My father is an alcoholic and probably either Borderline himself or a Narcissist- no siblings- just me.

I want to be free-  I do- I just dont know how to be. My mother feels like this weight around my neck and I want to be free of her.

Do I want to sympathise with how she feels? Sometimes. Sometimes I am so lacking in compassion I just could not care less.

Yoga and meditation are fantastic for taking care of yourself! Therapy has also been helpful beyond words for me, and I'd encourage anyone here to work with a therapist who understands BPD, as that's where you can learn how to take care of yourself emotionally.

It's taken me some time to really understand what BPD is and how it has affected my mother (and my relationship with her). Accepting her for who she is has helped. This is a good piece on acceptance, which can give you some perspective: Acceptance, when our parent has BPD.

[sandraD]

I totally understand what you mean about wanting to find out how to deal with a BPD mother who calls and tries to put guilt on us for not calling them up on the phone and like you, I always hear why have you not called me lately, what have you been doing that you cannot talk to me and so forth and so on.  Up until this year, I never realized what was wrong with my mother and why she would cause such heartache and grief not only for me but now she was putting that crazy stuff on my kids too and I have had enough of it! I read today where BPD is actually a brain condition that can actually be seen on an MRI and that it is actually caused by an actual disease condition and that they our mothers cannot help themselves.  It is something physiological that makes them act this way.  I read on this site that we should be good to ourselves and look out for us and realize that we have the right to control the situation and calm things down for ourselves and for our mothers and to speak up and to tell our mothers that we will not tolerate out of control behavior and it is okay to tell our mothers, I have to go and until you calm down I can't talk to you.  Be firm and stand up and realize that they are suffering from a brain condition that they have no control over and neither do we either.  We are not responsible for their brain condition any more than they are and since we are the normal ones, we have to be the adults because they do not have the capacity to be emotionally mature.  I wish you well and hope this does help you in some way to realize that you are not responsible for her actions or her life and that you do not have to own any guilt in this situation. 

[Tayto]

thats exactly how my mother is, i call her Krypto as she would drain the living soul from you giving out about everyone and everything.I love my mother and get along with her these days, not so great years ago but thats a different story.

i used to hate calling but like you, i think its important for a son to call to his mother and see how she is as she is on her own now.10minutes after i arrive and i,m drained.

then one day I said to myself, i,m changing the game plan as i figured out most people with BPD are easily distracted.

when I called the next time I opened the door and said hey ma,

anyone dead today !

what she said, well tell me I said, whos dead or sick or dying or going to die or should die !

stop messing she said and i said ok, wanna cup of tea.

when we were drinking it of course my siblings are useless to which i said,

did you hear about that horrible accident in Dublin today,

no

ya something about a bus and someone, i dont know it all but i heard its awful

jesus I never heard that i must ring my sister who lives in Dublin

( there was no accident )

had a nice cup of tea and I gave her aa kiss and left

[rebl.brown]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story about your mother.  It is such a difficult relationship.  I too have a mother with BPD.  The thing I wish I'd realized sooner about managing the relationship is that you have the right to say no.  All the guilting your mother does is her way of controlling but your life belongs to you not her and you have the right to say no.  Just because she has a biological link with you does not give her the right to be abusive.  You can take the power back because that is the truth.  She only has access to you if you allow it.

I know in practice its not that simple but for me, taking back control I had given away (due to abuse) and knowing she could not abuse me unless I allowed it was very helpful.  Accepting that you will most likely never have the kind of relationship you'd like is a big step.  She has a mental illness and cannot see things from your perspective.  For me, my mother could not do better it wasn't that she did not want to she cannot.  Sort of like asking someone with cancer to just act better and the disease would go away.

If I sound like I'm on top of things with that relationship I'm not.  Its so much better and at least I am on to dealing with the present struggles in my life.  Spent lots of time in anger, its part of this disorder's misery.  Sometimes I think the people around the borderline suffers more or at least as much as they do. Eventually I had to break all ties with my mother in order to survive.  I hope you won't have to do that but do whatever you have to in order for you to have a life.  You deserve it and you have a right to peace.

rebl.brown   

[an0ught]

I know in practice its not that simple but for me, taking back control I had given away (due to abuse) and knowing she could not abuse me unless I allowed it was very helpful.  Accepting that you will most likely never have the kind of relationship you'd like is a big step.  She has a mental illness and cannot see things from your perspective.  For me, my mother could not do better it wasn't that she did not want to she cannot.  Sort of like asking someone with cancer to just act better and the disease would go away.

It is a big step seeing and accepting that the emotional child in the relationship is our parent. It limits the kind of relationships we can have or whether we can have any within the boundaries we accept.

If I sound like I'm on top of things with that relationship I'm not.  Its so much better and at least I am on to dealing with the present struggles in my life.  Spent lots of time in anger, its part of this disorder's misery.  Sometimes I think the people around the borderline suffers more or at least as much as they do.

BPD is certainly one if not the mental condition that can have the most severe impact on other family members. The whole dynamic that is set in motion makes it difficult to get outside help. The dysfunction is crystal clear from the inside but it is hard to grasp from the outside.