Trigger

[Turkish]

Damn. I thought the crying was over. For her and our r/s, yes. For the family, no. Looking at FB tonight on my tablet. For some damn reason, it cycled back to years s previous posts... . of the good times with us and S4, and then both kids. Doesn't make any sense. I don't want to go and wake her up and say "WHY?" Know why, and it makes no difference. "Why" to the universe or God?" Only they know why. Maybe there is no "why" there only is what is.  My poor little angel monsters... . why did Innocence have to be corrupted by the sins of the mothers and fathers?

Sorry... bad night. S4's BD today, happy bithday Little Buddy, sorry your parents are such failures... .

[heartandwhole]

Turkish,

I'm sorry you are feeling down and like a failure.    Those feelings are so understandable.  I was a "why" person for many years, and then I realized that there is no answer, there just is.

Hold your little birthday boy and shower him with love – you'll be doing the same for yourself at the same time.  We all have our little guys and gals inside that need our kindness and love...

Big hug. 

[NoCRV]

Hey Turkish,

Sorry you are hurting.  You took time to help me with my situation and I am tremendously grateful for it.

A person that helps a stranger in time of need sounds like a good person to me!  Your family is lucky to have you!

[Tausk]

Damn. I thought the crying was over. For her and our r/s, yes. For the family, no. Looking at FB tonight on my tablet. For some damn reason, it cycled back to years s previous posts... . of the good times with us and S4, and then both kids. Doesn't make any sense. I don't want to go and wake her up and say "WHY?" Know why, and it makes no difference. "Why" to the universe or God?" Only they know why. Maybe there is no "why" there only is what is.  My poor little angel monsters... . why did Innocence have to be corrupted by the sins of the mothers and fathers?

Sorry... bad night. S4's BD today, happy bithday Little Buddy, sorry your parents are such failures... .

I'm so sorry Turk.  Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I still cry and scream for my ex and out "interaction",  and we did not even have children.  It must be so much more difficult.  Thank you for your courage to continue to work for self-awareness and understanding.  You are an inspiration to many here, and to your community, and to your family and son.

You are strong, brave, decent, and compassionate.  I don't think that you are a failure, just as I don't believe the rest of us on this board are failures.  And I know to at least a certain degree how you are willing to continue to move forward in seemingly unbearable emotional pain. 

Perhaps we have shortcomings, and took an incorrect path at times, but I think that our self honesty and willingness to look inside, and support for each other illustrates that we are successful.  Successful in our humanity, community and as people of dignity.  We move forward through illogical and irrational destruction that accompanies BPD.  There is no justice in its harm.  But we move forward regardless.  We are successful whenever we try to move forward!

Peace be with you today.  I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

T

[goldylamont]

sending strength your way Turkish. the tears are well deserved as we are all forced to let go of something we wanted to be beautiful. my heart goes out to you and your family. your kids are so fortunate to have you at the helm during such tough times. i think at the end of the day, it's not so much about the sins we may have committed but how honorably we conducted ourselves in spite of them. and you are such an honorable soul Turkish

[Turkish]

Thank you all, each of your words are beautiful. noCRV: you may think differently when you get my bill ;^)

I went to the party today. She went to get her hair done in the morning so I had the kids for 5hours... her older bro asked if I was staying (I've been avoiding family functions). I was ok when she showed up. Helped prep things, played with the kids. Funny, but she was talking at a table with some friends for over an your while I played with the kids in the jumper. Maybe I am making something out of nothing, she did interact with them later. I took off for an hour,came back and more people and kids were there. I just needed some space. One of her cousins had her little daughter say gooidbye to aunt and uncle (me), gave me a hug. They still consider me family though everyone knows, just not the sordid details. I appreciate that (again, I have it luckier than a lot here).

I'm still locking and abandoning my FB account next week when she leaves. Still debating my parting message. I will make it clear I may not reconnect with them on the other side, to not take it personally, though if some of her family wants to I may accept. I don't need that validation. The Truth validates itself, the truth of what I now understand, and what I watched play out in my household. It won't be Turkish 2.0, since I am the same person, even with new wounds that are on their way to healing. It will be something like theraputic seperation, and I will leave the old page up, with its hundreds of pictures, as a testament to what we did build, and that which remains. As Faulkner said, "the past isn't dead, it isn't even past yet." That which was part of me for a time is soon gone, but I am not less (to contradict John Donne). Neither am I more. I am just me, Turkish 1.0, no revisions necessary, just a new direction.

[Ironmanrises]

I can understand that being a trigger, Turkish. You want it to make sense. You need it to make sense. Any other circumstances, you would probably get a decent why in return. With BPD, the cruel reality is that the why is as ethereal as the disorder itself; it exists to deny itself, thus no why. I have asked all the why's too. My answer came in the form of tears. My own. Hang in there my friend.  

[goldylamont]

Turkish i can't help myself but to share some quotes from one of my favorite books that helped me understand much about my emotions. I hope this isn't too advice-y or quote-y The crying and sadness you are going through are your body's natural way of cleansing yourself and letting go. I hope you enjoy (emphasis mine):

Common knowledge says that wading into your emotions is inadvisable because you might not get back out. For instance, if you start crying, you’ll never stop, or if you let yourself get angry, you’ll take everyone out in a blaze of gunfire, or if you really feel your depression, you’ll kill yourself. However, when you wade consciously and purposefully into your emotions, the exact opposite is true. If you give yourself over to crying, your sadness will move through you and cleanse your soul; then the crying will stop on its own, and you’ll be rejuvenated. If you channel your honest anger appropriately, it won’t hurt anyone. In fact, the strongly honorable qualities inside anger will restore your boundaries and protect you and everyone around you. Similarly, if you truly welcome your depression, it will show you amazing, life-changing things about why your energy has gone away.

McLaren, Karla (2010-06-01). The Language of Emotions (p. 163). Sounds True. Kindle Edition.

whenever i got sad, especially about the breakup, i would ask myself the internal questions:

Chapter 20: Sadness

Release and Rejuvenation

Includes Despair and Despondency

GIFTS Release ~ Fluidity ~ Grounding ~ Relaxation ~ Revitalization

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS What must be released? What must be rejuvenated?

SIGNS OF OBSTRUCTION Unmoving despair that does not bring resolution or relaxation

PRACTICE

Release that which no longer serves you; this will restore flow, tears, and healing water to your body and your soul. When you can truly let go, rejuvenation and relaxation will surely follow.

We’ve been relying on sadness in its free-flowing state to get into our bodies, connect to the earth, and release things we don’t need. Now we’ll visit sadness in its mood state.

Sadness is your psyche’s water-bearer; it restores life-giving fluidity and movement when you’ve become arid and inflexible. Sadness helps you slow down, feel your losses, and release that which needs to be released-—to soften into the flow of life instead of holding yourself rigidly and pushing ever onward. Sadness asks you to trust in the flow of time, in the surprising flow of vision and inspiration, and in the ebb and flow of human relationships so that you may release yourself and others from contracts that aren’t healing, and settle into the flow of deeper and more fulfilling relationships. Sadness also helps you release yourself from behaviors or ideas that take you away from your authentic self; if you can truly let go, the gentle nature of sadness will lead you to peace of mind that comes not from chaining yourself to a formal set of beliefs or ideologies, but from listening to your own innate wisdom.

McLaren, Karla (2010-06-01). The Language of Emotions (p. 296). Sounds True. Kindle Edition.