Surreal happenings yesterday...

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All I can say is that yesterday was surreal in kind of a dreamlike way.  I really struggled during the at least the last year of a 3 year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were good times and many shared activities and experiences.  There was also emotional abuse/blackmail that turned physical at the end.  Like many here, I kept hoping and working to attempt to have a fulfilling, emotionally intimate r/s with this person.  It just couldn't happen and I started to really detach from the r/s in October and officially cut the cord in early December after a trip to NYC together.  I finally listened to my gut that something was very wrong and I trusted myself to "play the movie forward".  The "movie" just wouldn't play.  Now I'm digging in and learning about myself in ways I never thought I would with the help of a fantastic T.

Fast forward to late last week - I was feeling kind of trapped in my old feelings surrounding the r/s and such a great yearning to be free to live my "true life".  By Friday, I felt like I was really struggling.  So, I did some meditation, journaling and some other activities to help align my logic, emotions and intuition.  I have a great life and have absolutely no reason to want to or need to be attached to an r/s that is destructive to who I am. 

So, yesterday I went to an office opening party of a joint friend.  It was strange going alone and I had a nice conversation with the friend.  She was extremely understanding and supportive, and even told me she knew my ex gf has some serious issues.  I left and drove home.  It was dark and as I turned onto my block, I could see my ex gf, her kids and the replacement walking up the street to her house.  All I can say is that it felt like a movie or dream where the image is blurry and fading.  I obviously kept n/c and drove into my garage.

An hour later, I was sitting in a cute little restaurant with a woman I recently met.  I've dated a little in the last month and approach these situations as opportunity to meet new people.  This meeting was different.  For three hours, we sat and laughed and talked about life.  She's beautiful, wise, grounded and very human.  We talked about silly things and real life stuff.  I didn't feel any subject was forced or awkward.  Most importantly, for 3 hours I didn't think about my ex gf.  I felt like I got a small peek into her heart and liked what I saw = a full package!  We'll see each other again for sure and let the discovery period play out.  My outlook on meeting and getting to know someone is so different from what I know was a rushed experience with my ex.   

Back to the surreal-ness of yesterday: there was the vision of the faded image of the "fantasy" I lived the last few years and then the reality of me living in the "present" and not fearing the future.  I know I stayed in an abusive r/s partly because I feared what it would look like to be out of the r/s.  I finally listened to my gut and now I'm firmly on the other side.  I'll still struggle for sure, but I now know that I can trust my gut and have faith in the future.  I made a life changing decision in October and followed through with it in December (the b/u), and now I see life beginning again.  I see the light and I'm not afraid... .

[Madison66]

All I can say is that yesterday was surreal in kind of a dreamlike way.  I really struggled during the at least the last year of a 3 year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There were good times and many shared activities and experiences.  There was also emotional abuse/blackmail that turned physical at the end.  Like many here, I kept hoping and working to attempt to have a fulfilling, emotionally intimate r/s with this person.  It just couldn't happen and I started to really detach from the r/s in October and officially cut the cord in early December after a trip to NYC together.  I finally listened to my gut that something was very wrong and I trusted myself to "play the movie forward".  The "movie" just wouldn't play.  Now I'm digging in and learning about myself in ways I never thought I would with the help of a fantastic T.

Fast forward to late last week - I was feeling kind of trapped in my old feelings surrounding the r/s and such a great yearning to be free to live my "true life".  By Friday, I felt like I was really struggling.  So, I did some meditation, journaling and some other activities to help align my logic, emotions and intuition.  I have a great life and have absolutely no reason to want to or need to be attached to an r/s that is destructive to who I am. 

So, yesterday I went to an office opening party of a joint friend.  It was strange going alone and I had a nice conversation with the friend.  She was extremely understanding and supportive, and even told me she knew my ex gf has some serious issues.  I left and drove home.  It was dark and as I turned onto my block, I could see my ex gf, her kids and the replacement walking up the street to her house.  All I can say is that it felt like a movie or dream where the image is blurry and fading.  I obviously kept n/c and drove into my garage.

An hour later, I was sitting in a cute little restaurant with a woman I recently met.  I've dated a little in the last month and approach these situations as opportunity to meet new people.  This meeting was different.  For three hours, we sat and laughed and talked about life.  She's beautiful, wise, grounded and very human.  We talked about silly things and real life stuff.  I didn't feel any subject was forced or awkward.  Most importantly, for 3 hours I didn't think about my ex gf.  I felt like I got a small peek into her heart and liked what I saw = a full package!  We'll see each other again for sure and let the discovery period play out.  My outlook on meeting and getting to know someone is so different from what I know was a rushed experience with my ex.   

Back to the surreal-ness of yesterday: there was the vision of the faded image of the "fantasy" I lived the last few years and then the reality of me living in the "present" and not fearing the future.  I know I stayed in an abusive r/s partly because I feared what it would look like to be out of the r/s.  I finally listened to my gut and now I'm firmly on the other side.  I'll still struggle for sure, but I now know that I can trust my gut and have faith in the future.  I made a life changing decision in October and followed through with it in December (the b/u), and now I see life beginning again.  I see the light and I'm not afraid... .

[allweareisallweare]

All I can say, Madison, is well done for taking the leap of faith, and I'm glad your life is looking bright on the outside walls of the relationship. I'm blessed to be in NC with my ex, blessed. I want nothing to do with her ever again, and of course we fear what life will be like outside any situation - if we quit a job we hated it'd be the same or similar - because it is fear of the unknown. I'm not saying I love life outside of the DBPD relationship - I'd prefer if we were together and she was healthy, but she isn't and we're not.

Kind of surreal to see a replacement and the ex plus kids walking down the street. Did he glow in the dark like the 'white knight' he's supposed to be?

[Madison66]

Kind of surreal to see a replacement and the ex plus kids walking down the street. Did he glow in the dark like the 'white knight' he's supposed to be?

No, not at all!  He looked kinda big and frumpy!  Maybe it was just a bad angle?  The sad truth is that she'll jump at whatever narcissistic supply she can get.  She couldn't see her way out of all of her problems and lost out on the real thing... .