Today starts my life without my BPD. WhT does it hurt so bad?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm sorry you are so sad.

This will pass.  One minute at a time.  You will look back at this place some day and wonder why you were so sad.

Take things in small fragments.  One other thing that helps me when I think I can't deal with something is really loud rock music with the ear buds in.  Pick you favorite stupid loud song and rock out.  I think it scrambles the brain so it won't cry.  Just don't pick a sad song and I swear it helps.  Make sure you know all the words.

It sounds stupid but it is a must have in my pain kit.

Take care.

[Soulsisters]

I'm sorry you are so sad.

This will pass.  One minute at a time.  You will look back at this place some day and wonder why you were so sad.

Take things in small fragments.  One other thing that helps me when I think I can't deal with something is really loud rock music with the ear buds in.  Pick you favorite stupid loud song and rock out.  I think it scrambles the brain so it won't cry.  Just don't pick a sad song and I swear it helps.  Make sure you know all the words.

It sounds stupid but it is a must have in my pain kit.

Take care.

[Jayhawk21]

I think for me mornings are the worst. I always got the best sleep when I was curled up w her. Which i never have wanted to do that awith another woman. I cherished the quiet moments when we were like one person. Now I wake up and wonder what she's doing. If she replaced me already and if she misses me.

Soul- we were so tightly connected in music that all our music tastes were the same. Especially hard rock music. I'm going to try to distract myself and reconnect with friends. If I cry, I cry. It's better then keeping it in.

I do know one thing: I really put 110% into her. So if if I'm replaced he isn't going to do the things that I did and connect to her like I did.

Maybe one day she'll realize that. I hope when that day comes I'm past her.

I'm actually sitting here thinking I'd rather be over at her house, with her, and things be on eggshells than feel this pain I am feeling right now. Man I must have no self esteem left.

[Jayhawk21]

I have never cried so much in one day as I did yesterday.

[charred]

Felt same... I feel for your pain.  Remember waking up with my pwBPD, and just feeling like the world was right... like Disney or something, the sun shined, birds chirped... not a care in the world. Can remember after breakup, dreaming she was in my arms, my alarm going off and it was like she faded away and I felt crushed.

Music, food, smells are all strong triggers... . you might want to listen to alternative for a while and try some new eats.

The pain is intense, the desire to go back strong... then you do and it is wonderful for a day or week or maybe a month... . but it gets bad quick... and worse than it was before... you want out, get out and want back. Actually did that 7-8 times ... . and each time my self esteem was more crushed, she was meaner and my stress went up. Been seeing a T since it ended... and getting treated for PTSD.

Would stay away from booze... hang out with friends that support you, do your best to keep busy, dig in to mindfulness... its best thing I found for stopping the ruminating and pain. Keep posting and talking it out. Helps more than you would think... it makes you put your thoughts together and clarify your thinking... . which is good, as it can get real fuzzy with all the emotions.  If you can see a T... they can help... though it takes time and seems like a glacier pace.

[Jayhawk21]

Charred,

  You again hit it on the head again. The Disney morning, and food, her smell, music, places, and worst of all, I am a photographer as a hobby, and I have 1000s of pics of her.

You said it exactly about the recycle. Each time is worse and I get more desperate and do things out of character like I actually creat situations or try to be mean... . But every time she is worse, more cruel, more defensive, and more calculating more manipulating. This time the put downs were horrible and the silent treatment was bad. Then I got the ultimatums, and she threw the fact that she doesn't trust me in my face. I was in the middle of the gym fighting back tears.

"My life is better without you in it"she said. And was as cold as she could be. She said because I "don't listen".

I'm not a big drinker and normally only drink socially or when I am happy.

After looking through another post I have realized my mental health plays a huge role in this:

1. I'm a caregiver- I never knew this about myself until I was with her, and I did just about everything, so she didn't have to. It was my way of showing love, and I realize I was trying to get her approval. A FOO issue. I Felt like w my mom I was never good enough.

2. Co-dependent- I had a desire to be needed and feel like someone loves me.

3.  Knight in shining armor- I always wanted to rescue her. And she would create situations for me to do just that. Even small issues like locking her keys in her apartment, she had a meltdown and I had to fix it.

4. Self esteem issues- I always thought highly of myself until I got into this, then I let her beat me down, telling me how horrible of a person I am, how I have violated her trust, and after she yelled herself out and returned to normal I always thought- she must love you, you were able to ride out her rage and now she is calm and doesn't want you to leave. (Even when she told me to leave she knew I wouldn't).

I'm going to continue to post and read.  It seems like I read story, after story, after story about the almost exact same situations.

I also just now thinking I need to avoid being where she is as well. We go to the same gym. Time to look elsewhere. And find some new spots to frequent. Luckily she doesn't have any friends so we don't share any.  And listen to sports talk radio. She wasn't into sports.

The morning thing- I just need to keep walking through hell.

[Jayhawk21]

And she made contact. Texted me to let me know that she would drop my shirt and my extra keys off  not needed , am I right? I didn't respond even though I wanted too.

[Take2]

    ((   )) hugs Jayhawk... .   because I could have written your posts.  I have cried at work, I have cried at the gym - from the ever excalating threatening cruel texts from my ex... .  

And yes, you are right... .   there was no need for her to reach out. 

Last week after our longest period of NC (5 days) - the ex texted me and said "hello" - that was IT.   I would up responding a day later asking why he only said that and he told me it was to let me know he unblocked me.

Necessary?  NO. 

You connected on music?  I did with my ex.  Initially... .   hard music.  When he started listening to some bizaarre techno type stuff, I instantly knew he had to be talking to someone new... .   when he started suddenly wearing designer jeans which he previously always hated, I knew he had to be talking to and/or dating someone new... .  

We should be jumping for joy that they are moving on - at least my ex is.  Yet I too wish I was in the midst of his rage or walking on eggshells than without him... .   I know this will pass.  And the more it passes, the better understanding I have of myself... .   but after each contact from them, the addiction starts over and then when they are gone again, the withdrawals set back in... .    brutal 4 year pattern... .  

[Take2]

Music, food, smells are all strong triggers... . you might want to listen to alternative for a while and try some new eats.

The pain is intense, the desire to go back strong... then you do and it is wonderful for a day or week or maybe a month... . but it gets bad quick... and worse than it was before... you want out, get out and want back. Actually did that 7-8 times ... . and each time my self esteem was more crushed, she was meaner and my stress went up. Been seeing a T since it ended... and getting treated for PTSD.

Would stay away from booze... hang out with friends that support you, do your best to keep busy, dig in to mindfulness...

And I agree with all of this - I can't listen to music right now.  I smelled someone with his cologne the other night at a bar, it killed me.  No one wears that.  And that 1.5 drinks I had that night?  TOTALLY did me in.  I went from on the edge of depression to full blown scary place... .  

What kind of treatment is there for PTSD?  my therapist doesn't get the whole trauma bond issue that I've experienced.  I live in a big city.  I can't figure out why it's so difficult to find someone who truly understands what we've been thru. 

[tabular]

I do you one better in regards to smell: I bought the soap that his whole flat smelled of. Gives me comfort at night. Mental, I know!

[charred]

There are various PTSD treatments... my T does EMDR, the eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Basically they find pavlovian triggers for when you were strong/confident and get you to detach from the painful PTSD stuff... using the strong/confident reactions to work through it all. Kind of weird but seems to help. Guy had a little weird light box he used to flash on feelings... . if is like NLP lite in my opinion.

The value of the T was not the PTSD stuff really, it was being pointed to mindfulness, and having a well regulated person to talk to that would listen... that has helped the most. It doesn't seem like T is making much difference, but after a while you realize it has... the progress is not as visible to you as to others.

[Take2]

I do you one better in regards to smell: I bought the soap that his whole flat smelled of. Gives me comfort at night. Mental, I know!

My ex actually bought me the lotion that matched his soap at home because I loved how much itreminded me of him... .   that was long ago... .   I can't let myself smell it... .

[Jayhawk21]

Well now this morning it's 1 iMessage and 2 short emails. She's mad bc I took back the $1000s of dollars in jewelry got for her. Right or wrong. When she would have major meltdowns over things and not be able to emotionally interact with me, to stop her in her tracks I would get her a piece of jewelry. Most of the time it worked. I could rationalize whatever the situation was out with her. However it got mighty expensive. Keep in mind last time we caught she had one of them on.

  Here is her quote:

"Nice of you to steal my necklaces too you hiting loser. Thats ok. They weren't worth hit, and they were ugly anyways. Make sure you give them to the next chic you screw over."

"hit giving your keys back. Look for them in the dumpster in my parking lot hithead"

If they were ugly and worthless why keep them and wear them?

Now she has my number, and doesn't have an iPhone, only an itouch and iPad.

I see the level of manipulation here: I'm not going to call you or text you directly because I'm in control. Oh you didn't respond to my IMessage? Well I'm going to email you. But I won't text of call you because I'm still in control.

I'm not responding.

[Jayhawk21]

And ANOTHER EMAIL! This one was mean to assassinate my character and remind me that I am out of her life because she wants it that way and is in control.

[joekro]

Hello Jayhawk and welcome,

Most of the people who have commented on this thread brought me to the light yesterday so listen to what they have to offer you... . they know every angle. I can't really speak to you about the tremendous heartache you have with regards to the dynamics of your r/s, you see, I was the POSOM. I never had any accusations or freak outs or any negative emotional outbursts from her because in her eyes, I was the supply... . I could do know wrong. So my heartache is from my participation in the affair and is also the motivation to leave it behind.

What I can provide you is proof that the moment of clarity, when the light bulb comes on, is waiting for you and perspective will return.

The longer you go NC, the better. And then... . you're free.

You're gonna make it.

[Pinoypride18]

Wow it is amazing the support that is in this site. I just joined and thought i was a noobie but more and more people keep coming in with similar stories.

I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with my MPD ex girlfriend 2 months ago.

I was 1.5 months NC but I screwed up though and broke NC. I thought things would be different but they are not, it was just another chance for her to mess with me. So do yourself a favor son't break NC. I know it sucks not talking to someone you have always talked to and shared things with, but this is to save you from them trying to get back into your life and take more.

And i know you are trying to rationalize the things they did andtry to understand why they could do such a thing. I have been doing some research and will continue to, that it is more about them then it was about you. Their reasons for leaving and hurting you were because of their issues, not your own. They can't and will never see things your way.

So stay strong, we got this. Time to pick up our balls and take back our lives.

[charred]

It is like they come from the same cookie cutter. Jewelry ... . bought my exBPDgf rings and tennis bracelets and earrings. Expensive stuff. She had crappy living room furniture, tiny microwave, old tube TV... etc. Would get her nice gifts... and she would seem to like it at the time, then be campaigning for something else.

In 4 yrs of total time with her she bought me 7 shirts... which when we argued she threw a fit about and demanded the money back that she had wasted on them.

"Pearls before swine"... that is what it seems like.

[Jayhawk21]

charred,

amazing! I was the most thoughtful ass! I got her flowers every 2 weeks like clockwork, because no one in her life ever got her flowers consistently. I would by her thoughtful cards when she was down, and sweatshirts bc she loves lounge gear and she was always cold. I planned outings, payed for them, vacations, and would buy her jewelry when she had meltdowns to calm her down. 7 or 8 necklaces, 5 or 6 rings and we were even engaged for a bit. (which she still wears on the other hand to this day). I knew what jewelry she like so I placated her just to ger her attention. I bought her decor for her place,(we lived together for 2yrs and when we split I let her take most of the things we bought together, and I am VERY nostalgic). I made her bday as freaking special as I could. Her family is estranged, and she alienated all her friends, so holidays it became my responsibility to keep her from spiraling.

No matter what I did, it was temporary happiness. she would go back to purging and drinking. She was so Drunk on Thanksgiving she purged right in front of me.

Lessons- thats what I try to focus on, just take a step, one step