I wasn't painted black - why?

[Popcorn71]

After reading lots of posts about painting black, something puzzles me.

Throughout our relationship, my exBPDh never seemed to turn against me.  He was, on occasion, violent and verbally abusive, but he always told me how good I was for him and that I was a good wife.  He often compared me to his ex wife and said I was much better than her in a lot of ways and that he was much happier with me.

When he finally left, he blamed everything on my teenage son.  He had been violent to my son several times, but conveniently seemed to  forget this and did not accept any responsibility.  It was all my son's fault.

At the same time as blaming my son, he told me several times that none of our problems were my fault and that I had been a good wife.  He said that he never had a problem with me and that we would still be together if it weren't for my son because we had been so compatible.  He said I would soon find somebody else but I would have to put them first in order to keep them.

He also wanted to be friends and said he'd like to think that if we run into each other we would stop and chat.  He couldn't see why I don't want to speak to him ever again.

The only reason I can think of for him not painting me black, is that one day he may want me back.  He did say once, when we split up for a short time, that he'd like to think that in a few years time, he could knock on my door and ask me to give it another go, if we were both single and my kids had left home.  I thought that was a strange comment at the time, but now it sort of makes sense.  Maybe he's keeping me in the background for a recycle eventually?

Any observations on this?

[heartandwhole]

The only reason I can think of for him not painting me black, is that one day he may want me back.  He did say once, when we split up for a short time, that he'd like to think that in a few years time, he could knock on my door and ask me to give it another go, if we were both single and my kids had left home.  I thought that was a strange comment at the time, but now it sort of makes sense.  Maybe he's keeping me in the background for a recycle eventually?

Any observations on this?

Yes.  My observation is that I think you hit the nail on the head. 

[bpdspell]

Popcorn,

It would be difficult to give you a direct answer to your question because none of us on here know your husband fully. What I can validate is what you've expressed: that your husband has been verbally and physically abusive, lacks accountability for his behavior and absolves himself from any blame by shifting blame on your son.

So answering your question is difficult.

It is quite possible that your ex very much wants the door to swing both ways to keep you hopeful for a recycle. I say trust your intuition. Deep down in your heart you know your husband. But I say the actions are the truth of a person.

My question to you is: Do you want your husband back? Even after all the damaged he has done to your relationship; even after abandoning you and your son…is HE the person that you want?

I wasn't painted black by my ex either. He never dumped me outright. He told me that I was a wonderful woman; a great woman, a beautiful woman, a sexy woman. He shared with me that I was his sister, brother, mother and father all rolled into one. We shared a lot of closeness but he also lied like a rug.

His left hand said one thing while the right hand did another. He projected, blamed and took no responsibility for his absurd and entitled behavior. He often gave me the silent treatment. He took and took and took and guilted me for not giving. Our relationship was severely imbalanced and lack reciprocity.

Then he abandoned me to try out new supply. He dumped me without "really" dumping me and came back after two weeks of radio silence. And what does he tell me? That he just screwed her and that it meant nothing.      That while she's decent; I'm great and blah blah blah….#played.

It's all hamster wheel garbage and the only way to win is to get off the ride. They will play you like a fiddle, tell you what you want to hear to avoid being fully abandoned by keeping you on the back burners while cooking other meals.

They want you available to supply "their" needs. It's classic push/pull until we dump them or they dump us for good.

Spell

[LilMissSunshine]

After reading lots of posts about painting black, something puzles me.

Throughout our relationship, my exBPDh never seemed to turn against me.  He was, on occasion, violent and verbally abusive, but he always told me how good I was for him and that I was a good wife.  He often compared me to his ex wife and said I was much better than her in a lot of ways and that he was much happier with me.

When he finally left,   he blamed everything on my teenage son .  He had been violent to my son several times, but conveniently seemed to  forget this and did not accept any responsibility.  It was all my son's fault.

At the same time as blaming my son, he told me several times that none of our problems were my fault and that I had been a good wife.  He said that he never had a problem with me and that we would still be together if it weren't for my son because we had been so compatible.  He said I would soon find somebody else but I would have to put them first in order to keep them.

He also wanted to be friends  and said he'd like to think that if we run into each other we would stop and chat.  He couldn't see why I don't want to speak to him ever again.

The only reason I can think of for him not painting me black, is that one day he may want me back.  He did say once, when we split up for a short time, that he'd like to think that in a few years time, he could knock on my door and ask me to give it another go, if we were both single and my kids had left home.  I thought that was a strange coment at the time, but now it sort of makes sense.  Maybe he's keeping me in the background for a recycle eventually?

Any observations on this?

First and foremost, your son.  Your X is a hit_ for blaming him.  My X tried doing the same thing.  Tried his best to alienate my children from me  and was, to a certain extent, successful.  Trust me, if he didn't have your son to PICK on, you'd be the one at fault; painted black.  In fact, first they will alienate your children, family and friends.  You will be all alone and then the flip will come.  It won't be long before you are painted completely black.  Keep yourself and your son safe, PLEASE.

My X asked me once, "if we ever break up will you still be my friend?"  I laughed it off until I realized the only friends he had were exgf's.

Words of wisdom from some of the fine people on this board:

"Some borderlines simply discard and move on, while others willingly "collect" individuals.  Then they return to recycle each and every one of them for one reason or another, usually based on what they need at the moment.  Usually to stoke their ego/feed their narc supply.  Do not be a part of his gallery of enabling “friends”.  Do not be part of his trophy room of ex’s as he cannot let go of any of them."

Just sharing my experience.  Stay strong   

[Popcorn71]

My question to you is: Do you want your husband back? Even after all the damaged he has done to your relationship; even after abandoning you and your son…is HE the person that you want?

Spell

I don't want him back as I realise that my life is better without him in it.  However, I would like him to realise what he has lost, although I doubt this will ever happen.

I think that in some strange way, I would feel that if he wanted me back at some point, it would prove to me that he had realised what he'd lost.  I don't know why, but that would make me feel better because at the moment, I am the only person that appears to be feeling any kind of loss.  He has just moved on happily.

I just don't understand why if I was so great, he couldn't put up with the 'problem' of my son for a couple more years when he had done so for 9 years.  As far as I could see, we had gone through the worst times and there were only better times to come.  It seems a stupid time to walk away and I just cannot understand why he did.

[bpdspell]

I don't want him back... . However, I would like him to realise what he has lost, although I doubt this will ever happen.

I've been there. Not necessarily wanting my ex or his drama back but wanting him to validate me and the importance he said I was to him. This is the thing. No matter how much we want them to they cannot validate us. And why do you want someone who lies, betrays, abandons, and blame shifts to validate your worth anyway? They have no integrity. It's something to think about.

It will take time before it sinks in that your ex is not the giver of your "worth."

I think that in some strange way, I would feel that if he wanted me back at some point, it would prove to me that he had realised what he'd lost.  I don't know why, but that would make me feel better because at the moment, I am the only person that appears to be feeling any kind of loss.  He has just moved on happily.

This is where it get's tricky. Moved on happily how? Because he's wearing the mask with someone else? The truth about who your ex is is how he behaved with you. He's not a shiny brand new person with someone else. Trust that he sucks and that he'll suck with the new person. I get it. It burns to feel like we're the ones stuck with all the mourning and grieving while their out screwing the new supply and creating the facade of a happy life. But their houses are made out of straw and eventually the facade of who they are gets blown to bits.

Our job is to not sit around and wait for it to happen because that waiting sucks eggs. It's wasted time of our life that we'll never get back. We need to make ourselves as important as we once made them.

I just don't understand why if I was so great, he couldn't put up with the 'problem' of my son for a couple more years when he had done so for 9 years.  As far as I could see, we had gone through the worst times and there were only better times to come.  It seems a stupid time to walk away and I just cannot understand why he did.

Popcorn. You are great. You just need to believe that your "greatness" doesn't come from him. And I'm sorry all of that "your son is the problem" malarky is all smoke and mirrors. It's blame shifting and quite honestly it's an excuse for your husband to bail to try out new supply. What man will actually make the woman that he loves choose between her child and him? As difficult as it may seem now try not to focus on your ex's "verbal excuses" and make them "Bible truth." The truth is that he's with someone else, that he's mentally ill and that he is now her problem.

Are you seeing a T?


Spell

[RecycledNoMore]

So you could be sucked back in at a later date, like a microwave meal, used at his own convienience.

[damage control]

Your son was the road he used in order to justify to himself that he needed to leave.

Mine didn't paint me black per se either. We never EVER fought, in fact we got along really well, had much in common, spent our time just hanging out and talking etc ... there was nothing for him to paint black with him and I so, he chose to use something else as his rationale.

After 12 months of telling me almost daily that I was the most 'alluring' women he had met in 20 years, that he had an insatiable appetite for me, that he had been looking for me for most of his life etc ... etc... . his engulfment fears emerged (and triggered my abandonment fears) and he literally woke up on the Monday morning after a lovely (and very sexual) weekend and told me that he was no longer attracted to me. It was insanity.

I don't necessarily see him using your son instead of you as an indicator of being able to recycle or not, just that he was probably the 'thing' about you that he could blow up in his mind that was 'intolerable' and therefore justify his own reason for leaving.

[Popcorn71]

You have pretty much all confirmed what I thought really.  I felt that he had 'gone off' me around two years ago.  Strangely, that is when all the perceived problems with my son began.

I guess he just got fed up of me and wanted out.  I struggle to accept that because he constantly told me how much he loved and wanted me and that he couldn't live without me.  He was one hell of an actor!

I am just so happy that I didn't give in completely to his demands and that I kept my son with me.  He very nearly made me choose him over my own child and I can't believe I came so close to being totally under his control.  He really is evil.

[DownandOut]

Although it was much more subtle, my uBPDexgf would blame my sister or basically set the table for blame against my sister in the likely event that our r/s would sour. My sister is very protective of me and my uBPDexgf didn't like it because their whole game is about hiding who they really are. She was sure that if she was ever "outed" to my sister, my sister wouldn't have a problem giving her a piece of my mind because my sister wasn't in the FOG like I was. She flipped one time because she believed that I was flirting with my sister's friend, I spoke to my sister about it and, maybe I was wrong, but I wanted my sister to reassure her that I was loyal and that my sister would make sure I was loyal to her because my sister wouldn't appreciate her brother being a dog. My ex got crazy mad because she wanted us to keep our problems in-house. Although, to some extent, she's right about keeping problems in-house, I realize now that she wanted more secrecy because she didn't want the world to see her true colors.

[Waifed]

D & O

My ex did the same about being very private about things, right down to not telling others what restaurant we went to.  What is it that you think they are hiding?  Is it the fact that they don't want anyone to find out that they don't love you?  Is it because they know they have a problem?  Do they know they are putting you in the FOG or is it something that is just a result of their passive aggressive behavior?  I know mine reacted crazy when I confronted her about being BPD.  She called the police.  I kind of thought it was because she thought I was crazy at the time.  So confusing... .   I am glad that I am just more curious nowadays and not NEEDING to process anymore.  Big difference.

[DownandOut]

D & O

My ex did the same about being very private about things, right down to not telling others what restaurant we went to.  What is it that you think they are hiding?  Is it the fact that they don't want anyone to find out that they don't love you?  Is it because they know they have a problem?  Do they know they are putting you in the FOG or is it something that is just a result of their passive aggressive behavior?  I know mine reacted crazy when I confronted her about being BPD.  She called the police.  I kind of thought it was because she thought I was crazy at the time.  So confusing... .   I am glad that I am just more curious nowadays and not NEEDING to process anymore.  Big difference.

I think part of it is that when that switch is flipped, they don't want to be held accountable for their actions and the more others on the outside know about the r/s, the less likely it is that they can avoid accountability. That goes hand-in-hand with your question about knowing something is wrong. My uBPDexgf absolutely knew something was wrong and claimed she couldn't figure out why - I think she just didn't want to face it. Something that haunts me to this day is her telling me early in our 3rd and final recycle "Promise you won't give up on me." It's like she knew what we had at that point (the honeymoon stage) would eventually end and this monster would emerge. It's like a person that turns werewolf when the moon is full - something inevitable that they are aware of, but don't know how to stop it.

[charred]

Everyone is saying same thing... . so you can get pulled back in later.

Only thing I wonder is ... did you guys just split once or have you recycled over and over.

My first argument/split with my pwBPD ... she was nice and didn't go over the top, it was like a normal disagreement.

However each recycle was worse... last one she was stalking me/exwife... she laughed when she found out my daughter broke a bone... and she went on FB painting me black... for months.

So... count yourself lucky and run.

[Waifed]

D & O

My ex did the same about being very private about things, right down to not telling others what restaurant we went to.  What is it that you think they are hiding?  Is it the fact that they don't want anyone to find out that they don't love you?  Is it because they know they have a problem?  Do they know they are putting you in the FOG or is it something that is just a result of their passive aggressive behavior?  I know mine reacted crazy when I confronted her about being BPD.  She called the police.  I kind of thought it was because she thought I was crazy at the time.  So confusing... .   I am glad that I am just more curious nowadays and not NEEDING to process anymore.  Big difference.

I think part of it is that when that switch is flipped, they don't want to be held accountable for their actions and the more others on the outside know about the r/s, the less likely it is that they can avoid accountability. That goes hand-in-hand with your question about knowing something is wrong. My uBPDexgf absolutely knew something was wrong and claimed she couldn't figure out why - I think she just didn't want to face it. Something that haunts me to this day is her telling me early in our 3rd and final recycle "Promise you won't give up on me." It's like she knew what we had at that point (the honeymoon stage) would eventually end and this monster would emerge. It's like a person that turns werewolf when the moon is full - something inevitable that they are aware of, but don't know how to stop it.

Wow, I think mine also knew that things would turn.  For three years she would constantly say, "We need to end this".  Crazy

Speaking of being painted black.  I broke off my relationship after she cheated.  I didn't have a choice because I knew she would continue if I stayed.  She continued to text me (as friends, ) for two weeks until I sent our sex pics to the guy she slept with.  I followed that up with an email about BPD to him and her.  She called the police and that was the last time I heard from her.  :)on't expect to hear from her again.  It is strange that she didn't paint me black for leaving.  Maybe she thought we would recycle at some point.  When she painted me black it was pretty much permanent.  It is all so crazy.

[let-it-go]

I haven't been painted black either... . not yet anyway.  My hwBPD blames my parents involvement with us and our "over committed" schedule.  I think he knows that if he blamed me, I would be able to say "look at what you did vs. what I have done" and then he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.  But if he blames someone or something else, that can just be a battle of our opinions... . so he doesn't ever have to fully take the blame because he doesn't have to believe my opinion.  

Not painting you black is just another way to manipulate for their own good.  I have 2 kids with my hwBPD, so I don't argue with him over what or who is to blame.  I am glad he is willing to be nice and friendly to me... . for my kids sake.  I hope that I will always be able to take the high road and suck it up and accept his "friendship".  But I know the real truth... . and he does too.  

[Popcorn71]

Only thing I wonder is ... did you guys just split once or have you recycled over and over.

This was the 5th time he moved out in 9 years.  The last 12 months was roughly a month or so together then a week or so apart, whilst living separately.  He begged to come back 3 or 4 days after every split.  Even this last time, he kept saying he was in no rush for a divorce.  Eventually after being apart for 3 months and being with the new woman for that 3 months, I think he was probably under pressure from her to get the divorce.  He was also desparate for money and knew he wouldn't get any until the divorce was through.  I think if I had let him come back during the first couple of weeks, he would have done, but for some reason, this time I didn't give in. 

Even now, he is delaying things.  I am trying to sort out the financial side of things and pay him what is due, but he has not instructed his lawyer and is delaying paperwork.  Strange, because he is supposedly buying a house for him and his new woman to live in and can't do that until he gets the money from me.  I would have thought he'd be rushing things through not causing delays.  I think that maybe it is a way of getting me to contact him as I went NC on the day of the divorce.  But hell will freeze over before I speak to him again!

My hwBPD blames my parents involvement with us and our "over committed" schedule.  I think he knows that if he blamed me, I would be able to say "look at what you did vs. what I have done" and then he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. 

Yes I think you are right.  My Mother was blamed too, for phoning and calling in too often.  He really tried to upset her and stop her visiting, but thankfully she was tougher than him and put on a smile and carried on calling and treating him pleasantly despite hating him with a vengence.

I agree that by cutting off all the people that support you, they are able to treat you badly and nobody knows about it.  So they can get away with ending things and looking like the good guy at the same time.