inappropriate?

[sadeyes]

So, found my BPD messaging with this 19 year old girl (he is 45). She is the the ex-daughter in law of a friend of ours. I found the content very inappropriate. She just had a baby, and he was.talking with her about "stitches" from birth, wow she was back in action fast, if she had a natural delivers & breastfeeding messing up a nice set of breasts. In addition to asking him to email him and why she doesn't email him anymore. In addition to other conversation.

I asked him about it, and he sticks to the fact that they're friends and nothing about the conversation was inappropriate.

Please tell me I am not losing my mind by the fact this disgusts me & I find it SO out of line even outside of the flirting part.

And if you think I am wrong, I want to hear that too. This life I have led has left me really not confident in my instincts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joethemechanic]

Yeah, it's inappropriate.

A 45 yo man having private conversations with a 19 yo girl. Totally crossing the line

[elemental]

Yes. Innapropriate for a variety of reasons.

[unicorn2014]

So, found my BPD messaging with this 19 year old girl (he is 45). She is the the ex-daughter in law of a friend of ours. I found the content very inappropriate. She just had a baby, and he was.talking with her about "stitches" from birth, wow she was back in action fast, if she had a natural delivers & breastfeeding messing up a nice set of breasts. In addition to asking him to email him and why she doesn't email him anymore. In addition to other conversation.

I asked him about it, and he sticks to the fact that they're friends and nothing about the conversation was inappropriate.

Please tell me I am not losing my mind by the fact this disgusts me & I find it SO out of line even outside of the flirting part.

And if you think I am wrong, I want to hear that too. This life I have led has left me really not confident in my instincts.

I think you need to establish email protocol with him after this incident, what is and isn't acceptable. Don't leave it up to chance. That way he knows when he's violation, as its already been agreed upon.

[sadeyes]

So, found my BPD messaging with this 19 year old girl (he is 45). She is the the ex-daughter in law of a friend of ours. I found the content very inappropriate. She just had a baby, and he was.talking with her about "stitches" from birth, wow she was back in action fast, if she had a natural delivers & breastfeeding messing up a nice set of breasts. In addition to asking him to email him and why she doesn't email him anymore. In addition to other conversation.

I asked him about it, and he sticks to the fact that they're friends and nothing about the conversation was inappropriate.

Please tell me I am not losing my mind by the fact this disgusts me & I find it SO out of line even outside of the flirting part.

And if you think I am wrong, I want to hear that too. This life I have led has left me really not confident in my instincts.

I think you need to establish email protocol with him after this incident, what is and isn't acceptable. Don't leave it up to chance. That way he knows when he's violation, as its already been agreed upon.

by

I think this would be great. But the fact that he is steadfast that this is totally appropriate, and he has messaged her to tell her that I am just an insecure bhit make it difficult. He has made it clear that he has no plans to discontinue talking with her. She has sent me a message to tell me that they are just friends, and there is nothing to it. I am not ok with it. A public post on her new baby fb pic might be one thing, but private messages "oh, I have been looking for you" "why did u stop emailing me" etc just doesn't sit well.

I hate to say that I am having to contemplate the need to temp or perm leave. I just don't think it's cool.

[elemental]

emotional affair.

If she has a significant other, inform them.

Aside from that, you cannot force your BPD to stop. You can enforce a boundry that you cannot be in a relationship with a man who is disrespecting you this way.

If that is how you really feel, inform him. If he doesn't stop or you feel he has taken it underground, then you are in the position of enforcing the boundry.

That can be scary, and I have personally been terrified of losing my BPD over such things.  I have had to enforce it. It surprised the heck out of me when he changed his actions. It took about 3 weeks of no contact for him to understand I meant it.

I have a current issue that mine is doing that I am very uncomfortable with. Since it involves his children, I am ambiguous about laying a boundry due to circumstances. So I am doing acceptance, working to change it, and he knows for a fact I hate what he is doing and it is destroying my trust in him.

I am simply backed off on it though, and thinking.

[sadeyes]

Zencat,

I did think about notifying her SO, but I don't know it would make too much difference. In the last 13 months, she has done the following:

Married guy 1

Cheated with guy 2&3 while he is at boot camp plus stole $ he set aside to pay payments while he was gone & used for entertainment

Divorced guy.1

Hooked up with guy 4 got.pregnant

Left 4 to reconcile with 1

Got back with 4

Hooked up with 5 (4 mo preg by 4)

Had baby


I would like to say something, but the energy might just not be worth it. I think I gotta focus on how inappropriate this is for my pwBPD.

[elemental]

wow, busy lady.

Obviously both of them fully intend to proceed as they like.

It's always up to us to protect our own selves.

Do you have a plan for that?

[sadeyes]

I am working on that plan. For now he knows I have a problem with it. I have not given him the silent treatment, but I am extremely detached. He is acting like everything is back to status quo, and I want him to know it is not.

I am sure they have gone underground to a communication tool I do not have access to.

I have had brief communication with her where I just pretty much said it was inappropriate & unacceptable bla bla bla.

His last communication I know about was him telling her "oh this isn't your fault, nothing to do with , you did nothing wrong etc

I have plans to spend Monday taking my non replaceable family photos etc to a safe location. I have VERY little that I couldn't live without. That is my first baby step. I am having a hard time keeping up my courage, but I am so drained by the constant feeling in my gut. He really thinks there are no consequences to what he does ever. He did say sorrry when I first said something, but told me there was nothing wrong with it. I might could accept I'm sorry, I screwed up, I didn't mean anything by it, but will cease communications if it came across as inappropriate. But the other,  don't think I can

[waverider]

You cannot make either of them do anything.

dragging in her SO will just pull it all back on you as persecutor, possibly triggering of a triangulation type attitude.

Whether you are right or wrong about it being appropriate is of no matter. what matters is the effect it has on you. If it screws with your mind and you can't accept it then you have to make sure you are not exposed to this. Hence a boundary (not a demand) is needed so that you are not exposed to it.

[unicorn2014]

You have every  right to set a boundary with your SO and say this is not ok with me, this is a deal breaker.

[FigureIt]

I agree with wave rider. I also agree he is inappropriate.

They will find a way around your boundary. Or just temp you to bite in some way. My uBPDbf needs to have want from other women. He knew I checked his phone so now he deletes his response so he can claim dynability. I've just not taken the bait.

[elemental]

eh. these people wear me out.

Some days I just want to walk away without saying I am gone for good... and just be gone for good. It's like saying you are gone and ending things leads to so much drama and lines being crossed.

sick of it all.

[unicorn2014]

eh. these people wear me out.

Some days I just want to walk away without saying I am gone for good... and just be gone for good. It's like saying you are gone and ending things leads to so much drama and lines being crossed.

sick of it all.

Zen cat I understand. What's your story?

[waverider]

This is what happens when you get sucked into chasing the truth rather than allowing how you feel be your guide. Truth gets twisted, and the facts hidden. This is much the same as Alanons teachings in regards to living with alcoholics. Trying to track down drinks, makes you sick and dysfunctional.

If you are living in constant insecurity, that in itself is a benchmark, not the actual actions someone does. Your feelings are real, the facts can be debated.

Your boundaries are to protect your feelings not control their actions.

It is very hard to work boundaries this way, as it feels totally unnatural and even a bit selfish, but it is the only way that really works.