Lost my cool tonight and I think she might leave me...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After all I have read and learned, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I just completely failed to use the techniques to defuse. I reacted. We had been arguing for the last few days, with her yesterday telling me to leave her alone. And I respectfully did so. She texted me today and we had a few nice exchanges so we ended up having a face time call. Started out ok and as she was about to go I told her that I am really happy that she texted me and that we could Facetime. For some reason she took that as an opportunity to tell me that we have a lot of things to work on in counseling to which I agreed. She even provided a code word for us to use to prevent something from escalating. I told her that was great. And then she amped it up. Took a deep breath and basically let me have it. That I am a bully, that every time we fight she trusts me less and is more disappointed in me, that I should never ever tell her that I am available to her anytime of day or night ( all because two days ago she called me when I was on my way to lunch, had co-workers in my car and I told her I would call her back in 45 minutes), that I don't mean what I say, that I am controlling like when I want to go to drs visits with her ( huh? I just love her), that I ask her too many questions and she feels interrogated all the time, that I am used to getting my way in my work life and with friends and I insist on getting my way with her... . OH GOD IT WENT ON FOREVER.  So I listened to all of this without interruption and then asked eventually if she was done. Then it was my turn. I started out ok, with trying to just express my feelings but then she kept interrupting me and I finally said that of all the partners I have ever had she is the meanest and harshest of them all and she makes my ex wife look like a walk in the park.

OOPS... . Yeah. I said that.

Well that stopped her in her tracks. She began to cry and basically said in so many words that if THAT is how I feel then any doubts she had about moving in with me are now confirmed. Realizing that I went a bit too far, I apologized for being what I accused her of ( mean and harsh), I said I was being a bit melodramatic and was angry and wanted to use hurtful words to just get back at her. Then she said she had to go to bed. I told her I love her and she then told me that I don't love her and as a matter of fact I don't know what love is.

I adore this woman, felt she was the woman of my dreams, loved her like no other but she has beaten me down so much I just feel like a kicked dog.

Guess I may have blown it. I feel awful. Bet she will never forgive me for this and as usual it will be my fault. I am at an all time low.

Did I just kill my marriage?

[michel71]

After all I have read and learned, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I just completely failed to use the techniques to defuse. I reacted. We had been arguing for the last few days, with her yesterday telling me to leave her alone. And I respectfully did so. She texted me today and we had a few nice exchanges so we ended up having a face time call. Started out ok and as she was about to go I told her that I am really happy that she texted me and that we could Facetime. For some reason she took that as an opportunity to tell me that we have a lot of things to work on in counseling to which I agreed. She even provided a code word for us to use to prevent something from escalating. I told her that was great. And then she amped it up. Took a deep breath and basically let me have it. That I am a bully, that every time we fight she trusts me less and is more disappointed in me, that I should never ever tell her that I am available to her anytime of day or night ( all because two days ago she called me when I was on my way to lunch, had co-workers in my car and I told her I would call her back in 45 minutes), that I don't mean what I say, that I am controlling like when I want to go to drs visits with her ( huh? I just love her), that I ask her too many questions and she feels interrogated all the time, that I am used to getting my way in my work life and with friends and I insist on getting my way with her... . OH GOD IT WENT ON FOREVER.  So I listened to all of this without interruption and then asked eventually if she was done. Then it was my turn. I started out ok, with trying to just express my feelings but then she kept interrupting me and I finally said that of all the partners I have ever had she is the meanest and harshest of them all and she makes my ex wife look like a walk in the park.

OOPS... . Yeah. I said that.

Well that stopped her in her tracks. She began to cry and basically said in so many words that if THAT is how I feel then any doubts she had about moving in with me are now confirmed. Realizing that I went a bit too far, I apologized for being what I accused her of ( mean and harsh), I said I was being a bit melodramatic and was angry and wanted to use hurtful words to just get back at her. Then she said she had to go to bed. I told her I love her and she then told me that I don't love her and as a matter of fact I don't know what love is.

I adore this woman, felt she was the woman of my dreams, loved her like no other but she has beaten me down so much I just feel like a kicked dog.

Guess I may have blown it. I feel awful. Bet she will never forgive me for this and as usual it will be my fault. I am at an all time low.

Did I just kill my marriage?

[Surnia]

Michel71,

I can feel your pain. 

I hate it myself loosing the own countenance... . and in your situation it adds with the doubts about loosing not only countenance but your marriage.

We are only humans - sometimes it can happen, sometimes we loose our cool, especially when we have to listen a lot first and than got interrupted when finally speaking. You apologized. You cannot do more.

So please don't jump on conclusions like not loving her. Not you killed the marriage. Your marriage was probably in difficulties before this happens.

I hope this helps a bit.

[an0ught]

Hi michel71,

loosing your calm is never good. But then bottling everything up is neither. Your wife is certainly hurt and an apology is in order. Most likely also a lot of validation of her hurt, pain and sense of betrayal, fear of abandonment etc... While there can be too much apology i.e. avoid JADE there can never be enough validation.

According to your intro post you deal personally with NPD (you are diagnosed or know you have plenty of narcissistic traits?). Which both makes it likely that her feeling pressured by your questions etc. is a fact and that you struggle listening to all of her complains. One tactical problem was that you were listening in the sense of all taking it in but not validating during that time. I know you both agreed to it. But it is just too challenging for you to do it so you should not have agreed to it. It is better for you to validate what she tells you right away instead of storing things up. Validating her - even if you personally feel 180 degrees different - allows you to safely deflect her emotions while still cognitively recognizing them. That way you stay calmer and it helps her to stay calmer too.

And that is not like me. I am not the type to just give up on a relationship or walk away without closure. I have always fought for my relationships to survive. I feel as though I don't have any fight left in me. Not right now at least.

I could really use some advice. I need to recharge my sanity and self esteem.

Focus on yourself. You can't problem solve the relationship to sanity - that is only leading to disputes like the last one. You may be emotionally stabilize it so sanity has a chance to return. At the moment you are not in a shape to contribute much to her stability. So focus on your own:

  - self care

  - avoid invalidating her, have a validating mindset. 1 invalidation = 5 validations in a healthy relationship. In a distressed one like yours it may well be 1:1.

  - boundaries. Avoid big decisions and extreme statements when angry. You can only control yourself.

Have you considered a therapist for yourself? Dealing with daily drama on that scale can be exhausting and disorienting. 

[michel71]

Suria and AnO... thank you for your comments. I do appreciate good feedback. It really helps. AnO... . I do not have BPD. Maybe I miscommunicated in my original post. My deal is more of being a CO-D and a rescuer. And I know this is a wonderful (being sarcastic of course) compliment to the BPD individual.

Self care is what I generally lack. I can do it for awhile but then I fall into the mode of caring more about her wants, feelings and needs than my own. I rack my brain as to how I can "fix" this; the reality is of course that I can't fix anything but myself. Like I said I am rather new here. I have been reading some of the links but am not quite familiar with all the nomenclature and the acronyms. I have a lot to learn. I am going to be in validation mode as you suggested for a while. It is hard to validate them when they NEVER validate you and you are holding onto anger because of it. Seems disingenuous but there is a means to an end. Point in fact, I really do care about her feelings. Like all of us on here, I just wish she would care about mine in the same way. If she could, then I wouldn't be on this site. I love her and am committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work. I know I can't guarantee that she will never leave me, no matter what she has said or the vows that she has taken. I do have my own issues of abandonment admittedly.

She is starting to back track now on counseling, saying its for people who are divorcing or its for people who need others to tell them what to do. She found a workbook for couples with marital communication issues and wants to try that first impliedly. Yet, she also said that she is going to be busy when she first moves here with me... . too busy for a one hour therapy session. Then she also said that if we handle our issues on our own between now and the time we actually get into counseling, why should she even uproot herself. UGH. My mind is like scrambled eggs.  Please translate some of this for me!

[michel71]

Sorry... . typo... . "if we can't handle issues on our own... . "

[michel71]

I am in therapy ( to answer your question). Only had a few sessions so far but hoping that it will help me stay centered, among other things.

[an0ught]

Hi michel71,

good you cleared that up, frankly I was wondering how you as a "NPD" could stand listening to her so long. My comments on how to handle conflicts still apply. Don't swallow too much of her nonsense.

Also good that you have T lined up for you. At the moment you are all over the place emotionally and that needs to be fixed first.

Translate her? Simple: She is all over the place with her emotions. She uses disjunct pieces of plans to express her emotions which you take as intent. Far from it - they are emotions. Don't get worked up on what she says on her medium and long term plans. Getting some semi consistent behavior from her in the short term in areas that matter is probably more important.

It is hard to validate them when they NEVER validate you and you are holding onto anger because of it.

Validation is not cuddling but looking through others eyes and telling truth, particular emotional one. The tough and most valuable validation is the validation of negative emotions - are you there yet? I can fully understand that you feel it is unfair. For that reason I said "validating mindset". In a crisis just avoiding further invalidation (often in form of JADE) can already be valuable.

One reason validation is also valuable is however as it protects us from their projections. We are exposed to a lot of extreme and negative emotions. It is hard for our mind to say to ourselves "this is not me". It is more effective for our mind to vocalize "this is how you feel". It is the same sort of principle how noise canceling headphones work.

[unicorn2014]

Why would you want to a marry a person like this? It sounds like a lifetime of misery. I would focus on getting myself in one piece. Let her come to you if she wants to be with you and apologize for mistreating you. Let her show some initiative.

[Pearl55]

Michel71

Are you sure you want to marry her? What does your therapiest advise you? It seems this relationship won't go anywhere like all BPD relationships. The more you love a borderline the less they love you!