Emotional self soothing

[DesertChild]

I'm horrible at this. And it's my assignment to find ones that might work.

Instead of addressing my emotions in self-soothing I tend to use logic-based ones.

So for example, a person doesn't respond in a week, then I logic my way: They are probably busy.

I kinda feel clueless about doing it from the emotional standpoint and getting it to stick. ^^;; Anyone have functional examples?

[CoasterRider]

I thought the title was "emotional self loathing" thus perked me to click... . but your talking about something else, what I thought it was would have related a little more to me 

[seeking balance]

I'm horrible at this. And it's my assignment to find ones that might work.

Instead of addressing my emotions in self-soothing I tend to use logic-based ones.

So for example, a person doesn't respond in a week, then I logic my way: They are probably busy.

I kinda feel clueless about doing it from the emotional standpoint and getting it to stick. ^^;; Anyone have functional examples?

Logic isn't a bad to use at times for highly analytical people.

Self-soothing for the emotions - everyone has different needs depending on what emotion they are feeling.

Some of the things I do:

walk on the beach

call a trusted friend and share

yoga

play with my dog

garden

cry

sit in the hot tub or take a bath

[DesertChild]

I'm OK at the activity level, but I need to work on the self talk level, which is a faster fix. At which point I really am not that great. Things like "You deserve love" "You're lovable" kinda were talked out of me by my parent. (And have very little effect on me anymore. 'cause Parent told me how wrong I was to think that way--saying things like emotions aren't real or provable). But I need them back from wherever they died inside of me. =P 'cause I'm seriously working on it and the loss I've felt has been on an emotional level, but I don't have the self talk to sooth myself out of it.

@CoastRider It's definitely related. I'm doing this assignment to replace the negative emotional self talk that I've learned from years of hearing it. So instead of "I suck." and "I want to disappear" and "I feel horrible." which leads to even worse self talk such as "I want to sleep and not wake up." <--which is an emotional response to high stress, which leads down the spiral to anxiety and depression. ^^ I need other words to replace them. But I really have no clue on how to get the positive emotional self talk to work.

I got the logic part, but that's not enough for me, at least. I experienced a ton of death lately... . so I need more than the intellectual healing, but the heart-level healing too.

My T says it's probably internalized talk from my parent who was very relentless with it. I mean harshly relentless with it.

[CoasterRider]

I'm OK at the activity level, but I need to work on the self talk level, which is a faster fix. At which point I really am not that great. Things like "You deserve love" "You're lovable" kinda were talked out of me by my parent. (And have very little effect on me anymore. 'cause Parent told me how wrong I was to think that way--saying things like emotions aren't real or provable). But I need them back from wherever they died inside of me. =P 'cause I'm seriously working on it and the loss I've felt has been on an emotional level, but I don't have the self talk to sooth myself out of it.

@CoastRider It's definitely related. I'm doing this assignment to replace the negative emotional self talk that I've learned from years of hearing it. So instead of "I suck." and "I want to disappear" and "I feel horrible." which leads to even worse self talk such as "I want to sleep and not wake up." <--which is an emotional response to high stress, which leads down the spiral to anxiety and depression. ^^ I need other words to replace them. But I really have no clue on how to get the positive emotional self talk to work.

I got the logic part, but that's not enough for me, at least. I experienced a ton of death lately... . so I need more than the intellectual healing, but the heart-level healing too.

My T says it's probably internalized talk from my parent who was very relentless with it. I mean harshly relentless with it.

Its deff tough to break a mental habit that is ingraned in us. If you're like me you have a healthy does of humility and shame. We are willing to see our responsibility in things and blame ourselves for it, making us feel like we are the ones with the problem. Just remember we are the "normal" ones. We have the skills to be healthy in a relationship, they dont, they cant help themselves.

I hear ya on the go to sleep and not wake up for a week, the peace of unconsciousness is always welcome. Versus the deafening self critic thoughts.

I try to keep myself busy, I play golf, or watch movies, play video games, anything that requires concentration to distract my mind. Trying to "talk myself up" never works either.

[Cumulus]

Hi, there are times when I feel the need to talk myself down, so as not to create further anxiety from something that was said or done to me.  I like to think it through and write down what I believe the problem to be, how I feel about it and if there is anything I think I should or want to do about the anxiety inducing issue. Once I write something down and create a plan I am usually pretty good at walking away from ongoing hashing and rehashing. I will also use music, poetry, favourite writers, I find many of Madeline L'engeles books to be particularly soul soothing, outdoor walks or runs, sitting at the beach or painting to help me feel whole and put life's issues in perspective.

Self talk and recognizing and soothing negative emotions does not mean engaging in self pity. That difference comes when I am consumed by what the other did to me, not with how I feel and what I want or need for myself. It really is all about getting to know and understand ourselves, not what we want others to believe about us or to believe what others have told us we are. It means knowing our likes and dislikes, knowing what we can tolerate and what we will not tolerate, knowing what we want to do with our time, emotional energy, love, money, and all the other resources and talents that have been given to us.

[seeking balance]

I'm OK at the activity level, but I need to work on the self talk level,

Rather than saying "you are... . " (perhaps using for our example)

The affirmation phrase that is recommended is "I am " - ie: "I am worthy"

There is a 10 minute session on youtube that is quite good - I listen to it most mornings before I get up.

[heartandwhole]

Hi DesertChild,

In Susan Anderson's book, there is a chapter where she recommends talking to your "little DesertChild," as the mature and loving parent.  I was never really into the inner child work, but I picked up a pen and wrote out some dialog, like the examples in the book.  I was very surprised by what came out of my little self.  It can be very simple and powerful to speak to yourself in the way that you have always wanted to be spoken to, and cared about. And "little you" feels heard and cared for.

When I told my therapist what I was doing, she was very encouraging and wanted me to continue.  It can feel strange at first to kind of split yourself into 2 parts (and a third part overseeing everything), but once you get into it, it's surprising what flows out.

A real example:

Big heart (loving, mature adult self): How are you, Little heart?

Little heart (child self, around 4 yrs. old): I feel so bad about xyz... . and I think maybe they are right, I'm doing it all wrong.

Big: It can happen to any of us.  There is nothing wrong with feeling that way.  You are okay, and you are allowed to have your feelings, too. I think you are wonderful and doing your best.

Little: But I don't like feeling this way.  It feels bad!

Big: I know it does.  I'm here.  Would you like a hug?

Little: Okay.  Will it help?

Big: I don't know, it might!  Let's try ((hug))

Little: It burns! (feelings)

Big: I know, but it will pass.  I'm here for you.  You have done nothing wrong – these are your feelings, moving through you.

Little: I'm feeling better.  Please keep holding me.

Big: I'll hold you as long as you like.  I love you.

Little: I wish I could believe you.

Big: I hope you will, too.  I'll keep telling you and showing you, so maybe one day you will believe me.  I love you.

Little: Thank you.  Am I going to be okay?

Big: Yes you are.  I will always take care of you.

Little: It feels good to be in your arms.

[dontknow2]

I'm horrible at this. And it's my assignment to find ones that might work.

Instead of addressing my emotions in self-soothing I tend to use logic-based ones.

So for example, a person doesn't respond in a week, then I logic my way: They are probably busy.

I kinda feel clueless about doing it from the emotional standpoint and getting it to stick. ^^;; Anyone have functional examples?

It is important for me to kick assumptions out of my thoughts (although when emotions are high, this doesn't work!) and keep it objective. In your example, I would just keep it "they didn't respond in a week" and "this hurts my feelings". I am with Cumulus on deciding what to do next. If my hurt feelings are high, this could mean the week delay is very important or triggered an unrelated issue. If the week delay is very important to me, then it's time to take action... . i.e. let the person know how I feel and if super important, add accountability measures if it happens again. If it really is related to some other issue, I'd try to figure it out what (i.e. maybe my ex used to ignore me and beg him to speak with me).

Since you asked for other scenarios, I have provided 2 below.

First scenario: OK, I've been asked to temporarily increase my responsibility at work. So, my first team meeting as the "lead" this week. I fell flat on my face. My questions were barely responded to/pulling teeth by the team and my ideas hit the floor, DUD. My anxiety was high after the call and old thoughts in my head like "you are going to fail", "why are you trying to be a leader at work when you are crazy and are failing in your home life; once they know, you'll be doomed". So, I had to stop my thought train wreck and switch it out with deciding what is important to me (do I want to continue, why am I doing this, etc.). Once I decided that I want to continue, I then talked about the meeting with different people. Although each person had a advice on what to do, I picked out what felt good to me/revised it... . and took action. Even if my actions don't resolve it, I feel better when I try. I have to ACT like my feelings and myself are important.

Second scenario: My ex said he really wanted to take me to a certain movie this week; beefing it up all week... . after months of us not doing anything. Then last minute today, he cancelled due to 'important' stuff (that he knew about already). When I probed further, he said he just didn't want to fight with me. In this situation, I first told him how I hurt I was. Then when I was driving home from work alone, I yelled and told him off in the car (without him being able to hear) and then had some deep cries. Once I calmed down, I reminded myself of my responsibility in the situation: 1) you know how he is; why did you even go there?. Then, I proceeded to tell myself OUT LOUD how proud I am that I didn't beg like I used to... . and how I did a good job. This last part is me re-parenting me.

If I have a situation where I don't take action (usually I try to do something specifically in response to the hurt though), I will take a long shower, read my phrases up on my wall in my bedroom ("I deserve the life that I want." out loud, or other similar items mentioned here.

[MammaMia]

Interesting.  I thought I was doing something unique.  My self-soothing comments to myself include things like:

"I am ok."  "Everything will be all right."  "Just relax."  "Breathe."  "Things can always be worse."  ":)o not take it personally."

"Just let it go." 

I also remind myself that my dBPDs is ill and he is an adult.  It is not my responsibility to "fix" everything, and I do not dwell on or ruminate over cruel remarks.  It is a waste of time and energy.

Another valuable tool for me is to mentally view situations from different perspectives, including that of my dBPDs.  This often helps me to rationalize his behavior, making his reactions more predictable. 

Everyone is different, but these tips help me.

[Theo41]

Mama mia, Lots of good suggestions already put forward. I belong to two 12 Step programs and find them enormously helpful in several respects including:

1. I always feel much better (soothed) after a meeting.

2. Over time I learn skills for navigating my life and relationships.

Your example indicates there might be some codependency issues (my feelings are at the mercy of what you say or do... or don't say or do. ) If that's the case try CODA, an anonymous 12 step program for folks struggling with codependency issues. Just a thought for u to consider (many of us are codependent with our pwBPD.)  Theo

[MammaMia]

Hi Theo

I am not sure trying to understand what goes on in my dBPDs' brain makes me overtly codependent.  Rationalizing what motivates his thought processes does not mean I accept or condone his behavior.  I did not mean to imply that.

I cannot control his reactions, but sometimes I can anticipate them.  The only feelings I can control are mine.  

Thanks for the input and advice.  I appreciate it.

[catsprt]

I try to self talk but it does not always work, deep and calm breathing which I find very powerful.

[DesertChild]

Thanks for all the responses.

Doing something usually gets me out of my anxiety/depression which is how I run away, but it's when I can't do anything to resolve the situation that I have trouble coping. My T suggested the best way to do this is not just stopping the train wreck but trying to shift the direction of how I think rather than trying to further control the situation which can lead to more problems if the solutions doesn't work out. It's when I can't control the situation, resolve it, or run away from it, I really, really need to reprogram that relentless voice in me. (The one that won't let me sleep and leads me to spiral.)

Since I internalized more than I thought I did, I think I have to start small. I'll probably try the "I am worthy of" statements to see how that goes. Something has to stick.

With my parents, they often say things that I had no choice but to internalize. Even when I fought against them and internalization, I've been discovering the words still got past the barrier I set up. There is something about hearing them repeatedly even when you don't really consciously believe it that beats one down. (Especially when you have no escape.)

I'm trying to kick the last bits of codependence, but other things are taking their place. I need to find the balance between surrender escape and solving my problems in a way that works for me. This is a minor, but really difficult step for me, so I really do appreciate all you have said so far.

[MammaMia]

desertchild

There is one more way to self-soothe that has not been mentioned yet.  Perhaps it is because it is the most difficult.  

If we can muster the inner strength to forgive those who have hurt us, we can move forward.  Forgiveness brings peace.  It is the base that supports the healing process by empowering us to understand that cruel words and actions are often the result of mental illness in our loved ones. While we are at it, we should also forgive ourselves for feeling like victims.

Forgiveness can be hard work, but if successful, it is well worth the effort.  It does little for the pwBPD, but it can help nons to cope better.  

[DesertChild]

I don't particularly feel like a victim--I feel like a survivor and one that's doing fairly well considering the crap.

To me, a victim always looks to their hurts as the only cause of their current suffering rather than balancing it out with statements such as, "Sometimes things are random" and actually doing something about their situation. Instead, they will revel in the hurt itself. I definitely don't do that. That's my uPBDm's deal, not mine. Also blame that singular person for their behavior and the events that happened.

I'm more at the stage of trying to get rid of the extra junk that's leftover from years of hearing it. And though I can know something consciously is wrong, it doesn't mean that my brain will always cooperate with what I want. I can do video games for three hours, but it doesn't mean the person I've been waiting for will contact me. It doesn't mean my solution to wait will solve the problem. So I need to cure some of the negative self talk in the mean time.

I think that while my problems are no more than anyone else's and probably are more than the average person out there, I've got strength in me that is immeasurable--aren't I here rather than wallowing in self pity? Aren't I in T trying to better my line of thinking?

I put up with teasing, pwBPD, (other related issues to trying to find identity), rape, depression, etc. And I think having occasional anxiety when I'm stressed and depression despite all those things, and not letting myself be swallowed whole by the pwBPD is an accomplishment in of itself.

No, the reason I'm doing *this* assignment is because I need one more coping strategy to get rid of all of the negative things that did happen. When all others fail, sometimes self words do help to manage the tide, because I do believe words have power. Also that I'm trying to unlock some of the emotional side of me as well, because I think not addressing my emotional side has brought me a lot of my recent troubles with anxiety and anxiety attacks. I want to learn better coping strategies. And I can forgive, understand, be angry, but reprogramming habits themselves is harder than cognition or accepting one's memories and events that happened in their life.

[dontknow2]

Desertchild,

I am sorry you were so hurt. You are a survivor and a warrior.