He wants to move

[Cloudy Days]

My husband is notorious for moving into a place and then less than a year later wanting to move again for any number of reasons, usually the neighbors. He has stepped up his want for us to move and this time he wants to move to another state, it is for a good reason. Now I think I would be ok with this if I knew that my husband could support me financially. However at the moment my husband is applying for disability, it's been a long and hard road waiting for it to be approved if he is approved and even then it won't be a big check to support two people. I am the only one working and supporting us and his mom actually helps us out more than she should. All of this together makes me feel like a move to another state is just not a good idea. I work with my mother, she picks me up and drops me off for work. I am just afraid that if we move I will be stuck in a place without any support. My husband is very paranoid and cannot be around people, we live in a highly populated area now. We would have to find a house that is secluded which costs money and I would have to find a job that would support us.

I know that I seem selfish to him for not wanting to move, I know his reasons for wanting to move are good reasons. However right now I am dealing with my grandma who is dying of cancer, I would like to see my parents more, however they drink a lot and my husband doesn't want to be around people who drink.  I feel like if we moved I would never see them. It costs money to drive to another state, money we don't have now so why would we have it if we moved? Also I am dealing with my husband who does not trust any human being, he accuses me of cheating on him in any scenario you can think of and he just is all together not in his right mind. If I had no family that I wanted to stay connected to I think I would be more willing, if my husband was sane I would be more willing. I must also mention that the job that I have has really been stressing me out, I haven't liked it for awhile. It is a good job though and I am not sure I can find another one that is comparable. But would love to have a different job because this one is not made for me. 

I just need some insight as to what I should do. My husband is telling me that once he gets this disability check he is going to go looking for houses to buy in the state he wants to move. I have never agreed to move away with him because of his mental state and the fact that I am the only one working. I also know that I am attached to my family and it would be hard for me to move even if my husband could support us and was sane. I know a lot of people move away from their family, but it gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shamrock]

Cloudy Days

Question? does your BPDh want to move from here or to there?

My dBPDw wanted to move from x thinking that when she moved that all her problems would remain at x! My mother (80's) wanted to move to the state she lived in when she was 50ish because she could go for walks in that state.

You have good solid reasons for not moving. Support ,financial or emotional, is very valuable & you have both. Would his disability be transferable?

[Cloudy Days]

I would imagine it would be transferrable. It's disability insurance, I was under the impression it goes where you go. Anyways he's not thinking that this is going to solve all of our problems, we need to move anyways to a place that is more secluded weather it is in the state we live in, which is where I grew up and have lived my entire life or the other state. The weather would be the same, the kicker is that they just legalized a friendly plant and he actually uses it to counter act his PTSD, and it works. It's not legal in the state we live in and it does cause problems and anxiety for both of us. It's a legitimate and good reason for him to want to move there. I just don't feel ok with it.

My main reasons being my job and me never seeing my family. I think they would visit but who knows until it actually happens and it would be no more than 11 hour drive, which is doable in a weekend.

[Mono No Aware]

I would counsel you to resist the move.

Several years ago, being naive to BPD, I was on board with my mate's odd moving out-of-state desire because I wanted to jump my career up and evade a possible lay-off (ha ha it turned out I was in no danger).

2,700 miles later, with no support system around, a bunch of behavior I belatedly recognize as full-blown BPD began to try and ruin the marriage.

In my experience, the pwBPD's desire to move far away and escape their problems is not only ineffective it is terribly detrimental to their mental well-being.

[shamrock]

In this case Cloudy Days is telling us that she is not giving us the complete story!

[Chosen]

Hi Cloudy Days 

Haven't "spoken" to you in a long time!  I think it'll be difficult to have a proper discussion with your H on this, that's for sure.  And you both have good reasons to move/ not move.  What I may suggest is, why don't you just let him go ahead and do the search/ claim disability etc. now, since you won't be able to stop him anyway, he'll just think you're not letting him get his way? 

But in each step of his search, when you're asked to give your opinion, you can still say you don't want to be too far from your parents, you don't know if there'll be a job for you there (and you can actually search around and show him if nothing is comparable).  For my H, he takes ages to take any opinion in, so I'd probably do that and slowly get my opinion across to him.  If I say "I don't want to move" rightout, then he'll just think I'm not considering his feelings.

I agree that he probably thinks if he moves, all the problems will go away.  pwBPDs tend to have that simplistic view sometimes... . but I don't think it's useful to counter that idea.  Instead, you can let him know what you appreciate about staying here and not moving.

Take care!

[Cloudy Days]

I agree that he probably thinks this is a way to solve his problems. It is a way to solve one problem and to him one problem is all he needs to solve. That's probably why he isn't concerned about me finding another job that would support us. I just pray that he gets this disability. It's been 4 years since he first filed and last worked. I think a big part of him feeling worthless has to do with him not bringing anything financial to the relationship or chipping in. But So far I have dealt with this moving thing by just saying nothing, haven't told him no, haven't tried to stop him from searching for homes online. I've learned to let him be and do whatever it is that he does.

[AnitaL]

CloudyDays, I just wanted to say how much I understand the difficulty of this situation, as I am facing something very similar.  My H also wants to move, with some valid reasons that I agree with, but I also would be giving up my stable job and family support to do so.  I have alternated from thinking that a move could be good for ME too to get a fresh start in a new place, to realizing that I need to be the responsible and stable one for the sake of our kids.  Others here have advised me (reasonably) that pwBPD often want to move locations to escape their current situation but that this rarely helps and may make things even worse.  The problem in our case is we need to move out of our current apartment no matter what, even if we stay locally, since we are running out of space as the baby gets older.  So one way or the other the choice will have to be made very soon, and I think it is going to be a make-or-break decision for our marriage.  I'm fairly terrified by the whole thing, but also am looking forward to settling this issue one way or the other because it is terribly anxiety-producing to not know whether you are staying or going all the time.  I wish you the best with this and your job stress situation, which definitely is tough to manage while also managing a relationship with a pwBPD.