Hung out with the ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For about the past month I've been hanging out with her here and there. Admittedly, there was a part of me which wanted to believe I judged her wrong before. Maybe she was just in a bad place in her life before and acted a bit nutty.

It was about as you would expect. She was as nice as possible to me. Would do anything for me. The difference this time was, I'd go to her house, spend the night, then wouldn't talk much or go see her again for a while. It was a conscience decision, I knew she hated it, to see if she would finally talk to me and share her feelings or if she'd go back to her old ways. Take a guess how it turned out. LOL!

I was going to go to her house one night. It was snowing and I said I didn't know if I was gonna come over. She said not to because the roads were bad. I believe that was code for get over here now. The next day she started with... . "we're not friends, never were friends, I want nothing to do with you, never have... . "

She calmed down quickly and said I could stop by anytime I wanted. A few days later, apparently she had met a new guy. Now she really tried to lay into me. This guy is the nicest guy she's ever met (she says this about every new guy she meets). And I'm the biggest piece of trash she's ever been with (also standard when she meets a new guy).

Just like in the past, she is in love with this new guy but will message me all day until he shows up. I know it won't work out. She know it won't work out. So she keeps me on the side until things go down hill. At that point I'll be the love of her life again. She did the same to me while we were together.

I just wanted to share my story. It's not about loving or hating me or any of these other guys she dates. It's about her illness.

[willbegood]

For about the past month I've been hanging out with her here and there. Admittedly, there was a part of me which wanted to believe I judged her wrong before. Maybe she was just in a bad place in her life before and acted a bit nutty.

It was about as you would expect. She was as nice as possible to me. Would do anything for me. The difference this time was, I'd go to her house, spend the night, then wouldn't talk much or go see her again for a while. It was a conscience decision, I knew she hated it, to see if she would finally talk to me and share her feelings or if she'd go back to her old ways. Take a guess how it turned out. LOL!

I was going to go to her house one night. It was snowing and I said I didn't know if I was gonna come over. She said not to because the roads were bad. I believe that was code for get over here now. The next day she started with... . "we're not friends, never were friends, I want nothing to do with you, never have... . "

She calmed down quickly and said I could stop by anytime I wanted. A few days later, apparently she had met a new guy. Now she really tried to lay into me. This guy is the nicest guy she's ever met (she says this about every new guy she meets). And I'm the biggest piece of trash she's ever been with (also standard when she meets a new guy).

Just like in the past, she is in love with this new guy but will message me all day until he shows up. I know it won't work out. She know it won't work out. So she keeps me on the side until things go down hill. At that point I'll be the love of her life again. She did the same to me while we were together.

I just wanted to share my story. It's not about loving or hating me or any of these other guys she dates. It's about her illness.

[heartandwhole]

Hi willbegood,

Yes, it's a serious disorder, that causes pain all around.

How do you feel now that you've seen the pattern again and again?

[willbegood]

There's a part of me that still feels a little bad that she can't hold it together when if comes to relationships.

Everything she says and does, good or bad, is in one ear and out the other these days. I'm single. I go out with different women, who I don't plan on being in a relationship with, from time to time. That's the category she falls into these days.

[Johnny Alias]

Oh buddy.  That's got to wound you to the core... .

I had something similar going on with a BPD ex from years ago.  Actually my ex-fiance.  She hooked up with a new guy... . but then had an illicit affair with me behind his back. 

This nearly destroyed me.  All the while she would say how great I was and then go running back into his arms.  He and I almost came to blows several times.  He became deeply entrenched in alcohol and I once even picked him up because I felt bad for her. 

This is very narcissistic behavior of hers right now.  She's using you BOTH for supply.  It's hurting you.  If he knew about it it would be hurting him.  She's literally marinating in the attention you're both giving her. 

If it were me, I'd start dating other women immediately.  I'd also go NC.  She knows just what buttons to push to get you in her grasp and she will keep doing it as long as you let her.  At least see what else is out there.  They might not be as exciting or sexy, but they're not going to keep you on the sideline as PLAN B either. 

My two cents.  Take care of you my friend and be careful.

[arn131arn]

Oh buddy.  That's got to wound you to the core... .

I had something similar going on with a BPD ex from years ago.  Actually my ex-fiance.  She hooked up with a new guy... . but then had an illicit affair with me behind his back. 

This nearly destroyed me.  All the while she would say how great I was and then go running back into his arms.  He and I almost came to blows several times.  He became deeply entrenched in alcohol and I once even picked him up because I felt bad for her. 

This is very narcissistic behavior of hers right now.  She's using you BOTH for supply.  It's hurting you.  If he knew about it it would be hurting him.  She's literally marinating in the attention you're both giving her. 

If it were me, I'd start dating other women immediately.  I'd also go NC.  She knows just what buttons to push to get you in her grasp and she will keep doing it as long as you let her.  At least see what else is out there.  They might not be as exciting or sexy, but they're not going to keep you on the sideline as PLAN B either. 

My two cents.  Take care of you my friend and be careful.

I don't know.  I gave myself a year before I even think about dating.  Committed that to myself, my P, and my AA sponser.

But I do NOT believe that the beautiful, exciting women out there have BPD.

My sister is a beautiful, very successful, exciting woman.  She is physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy.  So, I am going to believe that there are women out there who are.

Who knows, maybe after this, I may just change my mind on what I think is beautiful/exciting.

[willbegood]

My sister is a beautiful, very successful, exciting woman.  She is physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy.  So, I am going to believe that there are women out there who are.

I agree! I've been dating plenty of women who are good looking, successful, fun... . who don't have BPD.

Just because we got caught up in a woman with BPD at one point doesn't mean we have to run away and hide from them.

[Moonie75]

I think it's best to be 'the one that got away'!

Best for us. And best for their memory of us.

Seems to me that pwBPD don't respect or genuinely see value in people who validate them with supply. I sometimes think their supply sources disgust them for wanting them, when they hate themselves?

I'm forming the view that if you are not a supply, not there anymore, no longer an option etc... . That they form some kind of silent respect for those people.

That's healthy for us to be out of the dysfunction, and maybe they end up with some form of healthy respect for us, with nicer memories as a result.

Moonie

[santa]

You're a better man than me. Lol

I wouldn't piss on my ex if she were on fire.

[Moonie75]

Santa buddy, that's exactly what I want to be... . 'A better man'. A healthier man!

[santa]

Santa buddy, that's exactly what I want to be... . 'A better man'. A healthier man!

LOL

I feel great. My ex is the last person on Earth I'd hang out with right now though.

[Moonie75]

Oh yeah I wouldn't hang out with my ex. That was my point, i think the healthiest & kindest thing for both is to not see/trigger each other. I'd rather be the one that got away, than the one who was always there for another bout! (already been there, done that. again? No thanks!)

[ShadowDancer]

Santa buddy, that's exactly what I want to be... . 'A better man'. A healthier man!

LOL

I feel great. My ex is the last person on Earth I'd hang out with right now though.

I'm with Santa 100% on this topic. You may be good "hanging out", although I believe it's not a wise decision in my situation.  

[buddy1226]

I could see my ex pulling some sh!t like that. Get away man. This will hurt like hell if you love her and you must or you wouldn't be here.

I'm going through the same thing. My ex is letting me know she is hanging out with other dudes. It kills me! She discounts what we had and tells me how the new guys are so much better. I was the love of her life and she proposed to me!... ... Then poof... . the is this evil, mean witch. I hate them, man. I don't give a ___ if they are sick... I think they should be rounded up and put somewhere... Every time I touch that hornets nest I get the sh!t stung out of me. I can't wait to be free again!

[willbegood]

You're a better man than me. Lol

I wouldn't piss on my ex if she were on fire.

LOL, I was certainly there at one point.

I came to terms with everything that happened. I accepted it but didn't forget it. I've seen her mirror a few different guys now. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for anyone she dates besides dating the first guy she meets. She's battling an ilness and I'm not going to judge her. I have no problem hanging out with her once in a while but I have no interest in a relationship these days.