As of today, I'm NC for one month.
I've been pretty quiet on these boards lately, though I've been reading the new posts. I think after a certain amount of time, once the need for validation has been fulfilled, an eerie sense of deja vu kicks in - as if we were all dating the same person, once removed. "Gee, look! Someone's writing about my ex again!" Except, it isn't MY ex, it's someone else's. Creepy, actually.
For me, the first week of 'No Contact' felt like the Twilight Zone. I went from speaking or texting with my BPDgf constantly to... . nothing. I didn't know what she was doing, how she was doing, what was going on. I didn't wonder or worry so much as feel incredibly WEIRD about it all. There was a LOT of guilt - I had essentially 'abandoned' this woman who I loved (to be honest, still love) with all my heart. It's something she always worried that I would do and now I was doing it. It was difficult not to blame myself or feel like a huge jerk.
Week 2, I felt busy! I was combing the internet for information about the disorder and my brain was exploding with facts and anecdotes about BPD. In the space of 10 days, I read four books about BPD, combed through some of the lessons and workshops on these boards, and wrote pages and pages in my journal - trying to make sense of what I had experienced and how I would move forward. I was carrying on dialogues privately with a few people I met here, including one individual who has been diagnosed with BPD and was generous enough to answer my many questions. I'll be forever grateful to these folks for reaching out to me - it made a tough time just a bit easier.
Week 3, I felt sad. I withdrew. I sat in my windowseat and cried. I bought four more boxes of tissue and cried some more. I knitted socks and cried, walked my dog and cried. I rode public transit and cried. Then I put on my Faux Happy Face and went to work (and came home and cried some more). Sometimes I cried about my ex and about how unfair it is that she (who is a fascinating and remarkable woman in every other respect) should be struck with something so cruel and insidious. I also cried for myself and for the fear that the essence of who I am - all of my goodness and intelligence and... . for want of a better word... . sanity - could actually be boiled down to a complex soup of chemicals in my brain. There, but for the grace of God, go I... .
Then I got really pi$$ed off.
Week four was the Week of Anger. I was angry about the situation to be sure - I had met my gf on a major online dating service and I felt cheated by the randomness of it. I was angry because I had taken a nearly-three-year hiatus from dating to work on my own stuff and the minute I stuck my toe in the water... . *this*. I was angry because I had waited so long to meet someone EXACTLY like her... . except, it was all an ILLUSION. Of course she was perfect for me, the 'one', the true love I had always hoped for! Because she was mirroring what I wanted right back at me! Argh!
I even suffered through a few days when EVERY. SINGLE. unkind accusation and judgement she'd every hurled at me came back and rang in my ears at high decibels. All of those angry words, which mostly missed their mark at the time, went straight to my heart. I was angry at her for saying them. Angry at myself for taking them in. The feeling of heartbreak and betrayal nearly brought me to my knees.
This week, I feel like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I've been sorting out all the pieces by colour and shape and suddenly I'm seeing them all with new eyes and huge blocks of the puzzle are coming together. The FOG has started to lift and I'm understanding more and more what happened, what I was up against in the relationship. I've accepted my role in it. I understand that, with my own codependent traits, I was absolutely the wrong partner for her. I triggered her, added fuel to her fire.
I'm grateful that I got out of the relationship after three months, instead of three years... . or 23 years. One month NC, and I'm feeling SO much better about things. I feel like I have my life back and that this life of mine is an island of serenity and calm.
For those of you who soldiered through this (I know it's a long post!), I thought I would share my 'Top 5' list of the things that have kept me NC when the going got rough:
1) The support of people on this board - and reading the posts about the consequences of breaking NC: Thank you for sharing your stories on here. They've helped me stay strong. Thank you for reaching out to me with tips and resources, offering your support - for caring. I could not have maintained NC without this community.
2) Reading my own journals: I journal every single day and I did so during my entire relationship with my BPDex. In retropsoect, I was surprisingly perceptive about my ex's behaviour. It was clear to me, nearly from the get-go, that something was 'off'. Reading my own words is very validating.
3) Learning about the disorder: Understanding BPD, from both the perspective of a 'non' and the perspective of a pwBPD has been key in helping me accept why my relationship failed and why I can't return to it.
4) Mindfulness: I've been training in mindfulness/meditation for nearly 20 years and this month, my practice bore real fruit. I've returned to my daily meditation practices. It's kept me afloat. It's also helping me come to terms with my own 50% of this relationship and the traits that drew me into it, and caused conflict during our three months together.
5) Taking care of myself: There's an element of 'distraction' in this - pursuing my interests and hobbies has kept me from ruminating. By establishing some steady routines, exercising daily and eating healthy foods, I've become healthier and stronger than I was before. And by nourishing my soul (I bought a membership to my favourite art museum and I've made time for art and music), I've kept my mind off of my ex and brought the focus back to myself and my needs.
And I should give knitting an honourable mention here: On my darkest days when I couldn't focus on anything else, my fingers could still knit and purl. It gave me a task, a goal, a way to be mindful when nothing else could calm me.
Thank you, all of you, for being here. More than anything else, the feeling that I'm not alone has given me strength and courage to face this.
