Help - have to speak with the GAL this afternoon

[PinkieV]

I know that judges, etc. frown upon us making a "diagnosis", but are there any terms or comments I can make that would suggest to the GAL that my DH's ex is an uBPD/NPD?

Thanks!

[Waddams]

Focus on behaviors. And read up on how professionals describe verbal and emotionally abusive behaviors.  Make sure to speak to the behaviors the same way the pro's do, without actually making diagnostic statements. 

[PinkieV]

Thanks so much!  I focused on the changes I have seen in my SS13, and the GAL even mentioned things that we do that did not happen at mom's house.  I'm cautiously optimistic! 

[ForeverDad]

Yes, courts often ignore seeking a reason for why people behave the way they do.  (A rare but real risk is that if you seek to have your ex declared mentally ill in some way such as having a PD then they might use that against you trying to get lifetime alimony due to having court conclusion of a claimed disability and use that as an excuse not to seek work.  Also, just 'having' a PD diagnosed does not mean the person can't parent.  It's the impact on the parenting that is then up to interpretation.  So therefore we focus on behaviors.)

A GAL to represent the children can go further with the additional time not available to the court but since usually having a legal or attorney background a GAL might prefer to recommend outcomes that feel more like mediated settlements rather than realistic solutions.  They largely stick with the behaviors and behavior patterns, so be aware and use that to your benefit.

Be aware of two additional aspects of behaviors:

• In the custodial issues the professionals in court often give more weight to the parenting behaviors.  While the poor adult behaviors such as DV may be significant, those may translate to minimal impact to parenting decisions.  (My conclusion was that the professionals can assume that a person can be an poorly behaving or even abusive adult but okay as a parent.  )  So of course report everything but focus more on the parenting behaviors that impact the children.



• Many courts ignore incidents older than six months before the divorce was filed, considering them 'stale'.  However, older incidents can generally be used to establish the history or patterns of behavior.  Often the poorly behaving person behaves better under court scrutiny during the case, so establishing the history can demonstrate a risk of the person returning to past patterns once the case is over and the court's attention is elsewhere.

[PinkieV]

Very good point, ForeverDad.  I think I did well along those lines.  As I have only met BM twice, and talked to her once, I could not comment on her directly, and I told the GAL that.  She asked for my observations of my stepson's mood and behavior since we've had him.  I feel like I was a voice of reason instead of badmouthing BM, and I told her point blank that we want to keep him with us, but in the end we want what is best for him.

She also asked me about my feelings in "starting over" as it were with a younger child in the house again.  My DS is 23 and has recently moved out, and my DD is 17 and a senior in high school.  SS is 13 so we have 4 1/2 more years (although I told my DH I wasn't doing the carpool thing EVER again !).  We are recently married, and she wanted to make sure that having my stepson live with us wouldn't cause problems.  I thanked her for asking, and told her that we have a standing date night, and try to go to yoga once a week followed by a quick bite to eat for another time to connect.  Also, at 13, he can stay home and watch TV or play games while we go out, so it's not too hard.  But I was really encouraged that she's thinking of everything so she can base her decisions on what truly is best for him.

[PinkieV]

We got the report today, and the GAL recommended my SS stay with us!  We have mediation in a month and a trial in two if we can't settle before, but this is definitely a good thing!

[PinkieV]

Oh, and the GAL's conclusions at the end of her report read like a laundry list of BPD, so she sees it and is strongly hinting at it.