Hopeless, Helpless and Hands Tied

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been rolling along just fine.  I am going into my 7th week of NC.

I have had three P appointments and have one this Friday, as well.

It seems I just go in there and talk about her and what drama she has caused the past week.  I am involved with AA, sober, caught up in school, and working out and working hard (2 jobs)

I MUST get a court order to see my S(8), because this is the ONLY thing keeping me from truly detaching.

I talk to her dad about seeing my son, and that will change this week.  No more contact with him.  IF he truly was going to help handle the situation amicably, he would done something by now.  It's been since November.

I understand why I have these three or four day periods of falling off the emotional wagon.  I get triggered.  This past Friday was my son's brthday, we were refused ALL rights to see him throughout the weekend---trigger!  My sister sent me a picture of her out last night and I couldn't watch my son---trigger!  Me talking to her deadbeat dad about seeing my son---trigger!

When I get triggered, it mostly stems from sadness, anger, and denial.  Sad because I can't be there for my son, and I don't want him to think I have abandoned him, sadness bc his mother HAS INDEED abandoned him for her other man.  Anger bc of the issues that surround my son.  And possibly a little denial bc I maybe expect her to one day walk through the door, pledge her undying love for me, and that she wants our family united.

Man, this is a bad spot for me to be in.  My last appt with my P he told me to let the attorney handle custody from now on, and that way I can compartmentalize my life (son, work, school, AA, working out, etc).  Then, I can truly begin to detach.

But when I am triggered, I start to obssess.  I know I am just as sick as her.  Maybe not so much Co-dependent but I am a caretaker.  And a very sick one.  I can't stop thinking about what my replacement is doing to her.  How she must be so happy with me bc I was the root of her unhappiness (this is what she told me and everyone else).

I have lost the ears of all family/friends at this point, I think there comes a time where you just can't hear the same things over and over.  I start to believe that she, in fact, had this RS with my replacement long before it officially ended.  Thta hurts even worse.  I don't believe that she will take her problems with her in this new RS, I really don't.  Sh was a quiet Waif and she NEEDS this milionaire to mold into to feel that she is worth as much.

I can do nothing to help nurture my son during these hard times, and I feel hoeless, helpless, and my hands are tied.

I just don't believe any of this BPD  anymore.  I don't believe that people on this earth are that cruel, that God is that cruel, that fate, destiny, karma or anything metapysical is worth a second tought.  I truly KNOW now that good things happen to bad peopple.  

And my ex finding her million dollar man, well that's what I would like to introduce as exhibit "A".

Did I mention, I hate her? But if she walked through that door right now... .

[arn131arn]

I have been rolling along just fine.  I am going into my 7th week of NC.

I have had three P appointments and have one this Friday, as well.

It seems I just go in there and talk about her and what drama she has caused the past week.  I am involved with AA, sober, caught up in school, and working out and working hard (2 jobs)

I MUST get a court order to see my S(8), because this is the ONLY thing keeping me from truly detaching.

I talk to her dad about seeing my son, and that will change this week.  No more contact with him.  IF he truly was going to help handle the situation amicably, he would done something by now.  It's been since November.

I understand why I have these three or four day periods of falling off the emotional wagon.  I get triggered.  This past Friday was my son's brthday, we were refused ALL rights to see him throughout the weekend---trigger!  My sister sent me a picture of her out last night and I couldn't watch my son---trigger!  Me talking to her deadbeat dad about seeing my son---trigger!

When I get triggered, it mostly stems from sadness, anger, and denial.  Sad because I can't be there for my son, and I don't want him to think I have abandoned him, sadness bc his mother HAS INDEED abandoned him for her other man.  Anger bc of the issues that surround my son.  And possibly a little denial bc I maybe expect her to one day walk through the door, pledge her undying love for me, and that she wants our family united.

Man, this is a bad spot for me to be in.  My last appt with my P he told me to let the attorney handle custody from now on, and that way I can compartmentalize my life (son, work, school, AA, working out, etc).  Then, I can truly begin to detach.

But when I am triggered, I start to obssess.  I know I am just as sick as her.  Maybe not so much Co-dependent but I am a caretaker.  And a very sick one.  I can't stop thinking about what my replacement is doing to her.  How she must be so happy with me bc I was the root of her unhappiness (this is what she told me and everyone else).

I have lost the ears of all family/friends at this point, I think there comes a time where you just can't hear the same things over and over.  I start to believe that she, in fact, had this RS with my replacement long before it officially ended.  Thta hurts even worse.  I don't believe that she will take her problems with her in this new RS, I really don't.  Sh was a quiet Waif and she NEEDS this milionaire to mold into to feel that she is worth as much.

I can do nothing to help nurture my son during these hard times, and I feel hoeless, helpless, and my hands are tied.

I just don't believe any of this BPD  anymore.  I don't believe that people on this earth are that cruel, that God is that cruel, that fate, destiny, karma or anything metapysical is worth a second tought.  I truly KNOW now that good things happen to bad peopple.  

And my ex finding her million dollar man, well that's what I would like to introduce as exhibit "A".

Did I mention, I hate her? But if she walked through that door right now... .

[santa]

You've got to let go of this issue of how much money her new guy has. It's always mentioned in your posts.

Anyone can get rich. Knowledge is what has value in the world.

It's not like he set out to make more money than you with the intention of stealing your girlfriend. He's probably just a regular dude trying to get some action just like most of us. I doubt he has any ill will toward you. It's not like he set out to hurt you. Your BPDex is to blame in all this. Not the new guy. She'll make him miserable eventually if he allows her to. That's what BPD do. You should pity him. You've already been with your ex thousands of times. It's not like he's beating you or something.

Whenever my ex takes up with someone new, I'd prefer it be someone financially stable rather than some vagrant.

[arn131arn]

I'm not angry with him and I think I only mentioned why SHE is attracted to him... . the money. Why? Because that's what she is... .

I don't really have any feelings for him at all... . good or bad

[Perfidy]

Arm I know you're hurting right now and I'm sorry you have to go through that. You aren't helpless. You aren't hopeless. Your hands aren't tied. Get that out of your head. Try making a gratitude list. All the little stuff. Focus on the good things in your life. You have a promising future. The past isn't real now. You are ok. You're safe, you have cloths on your back, food to eat and a roof over your head. It's the little things that are the very most important. Happiness is inside of you and only you can bring it out. Start by smiling to yourself, then laugh. It will come.

[santa]

Arm I know you're hurting right now and I'm sorry you have to go through that. You aren't helpless. You aren't hopeless. Your hands aren't tied. Get that out of your head. Try making a gratitude list. All the little stuff. Focus on the good things in your life. You have a promising future. The past isn't real now. You are ok. You're safe, you have cloths on your back, food to eat and a roof over your head. It's the little things that are the very most important. Happiness is inside of you and only you can bring it out. Start by smiling to yourself, then laugh. It will come.

+1

Things are good for you, arn. Focus on yourself. You can't control anything your ex does or what she thinks. The only thing you have control over is making your life as good as it can be. If you put the energy into yourself that you've put into her for all these years, where would you be? I know if she's anything like my ex, she probably monopolized your time. Now that you have some time for yourself, use it for things that you want. Put some energy into what you want. Not just for your son or for women or your ex or whatever either. Do it for you. Make your life whatever you want it to be and everything else will come.

[zsazsa]

The few times I got into that thought pattern it really concerned me.

What I came to realize was that the thinking I was engaging in was my own denial.

That kept me from doing the things I needed to do.  Which was to get on with my life,  make sure that the things that mattered to me were taken care of.

I think the attorney handling the custody is the best idea.  For me , no contact meant no contact with anyone the triggered me.

I had to step up for myself.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Perf and Santa. I do have a promising future with my school, but fear not being able to get a job bc of the 2 bogus DV charges on my background check. I know that once I have court orders to see my son, I can begin to detach completely. My son's birthday was Friday, ya'll and she refused ALL visitation this weekend. Wouldn't let him come to see his dad, open presents, and watch P Manning play ball. Please help me process this part of it, ya'll, please? I have been asking this for days and I just don't understand her behavior. I want to move on, she has moved on, she appears to be happy, her ship has come in, why would she try and continue to break my heart by alienating my son from me? Can someone really be that happy with that much hate in their heart? This is where my hands are tied, hopeless, and helpless. And it takes weeks to get in front of a judge

[Perfidy]

Don't sweat a background check in the o/g industry. You kidding? You gotta have at least one felony to get on with my company!

[zsazsa]

I dont' think anyone who would use her son to hurt someone could possibly be happy.

[santa]

I'm assuming she's alienating your son from you because she wants to let you know that she's in control. Extra bonus if it upsets you. She wants you to know that she's the boss of your son now. It's sad, but that's the way these women are.

[DiamondSW]

Hello Arn,

Interesting to me how our exes both seem drawn to 'money'... .   or people who have it (theoretically). 

One thing I've learned is that my exBPDgf certainly found men with more than me, couldn't 'keep' them (because they tired of her nuts behaviour and horrid mother), and for some reason all her relationships ended up going bad after a matter of months.  At which point she went from the luxurious lifestyle of someone else's home/car/cash, to her own lifestyle of living like a student and being unable to support herself/in serious depression.  Riches-rags. 

I like to think that I have a lovely home, no money problems, can afford holidays whenever, and therefore I'm split in the middle of this 'wealth' chart... .  

Right now she's back in a student hall of residence with about 50p to her name and speed dial to her mum for ££.  How depressing must that be? 

The really sad thing is that when the day comes when she is no longer beautiful (and her mum has blown her inheritance or given it to some bum), then what happens?  Or when she's no longer beautiful and her man trades her in for a newer model, pausing to pass her the financial scraps from his table?  Or when she realises that she's had no joy or satisfaction from a job and helping others in a professional capacity?  No identity...

Arn -I sound bitter and cold, but I've worked for private Russian households where women are commodities, valuable until about 40, then traded in.  To say it's a sad existence for these people is an understatement.  Add BPD into the mix and it's desperate.  Oh, and rich people aren't stupid -the women get a fraction of what they think they'll get.  BPD women will get even less as the men will face both barrels and will really try to hide it. 

Trust me, if it's money she seeks, she won't find it.  What she will find is a means to double her own pain if love is not at the core of her new relationship.  She may end up with nothing... .   and I mean it, homeless, and still blaming everyone else. 

We all know how BPD relationships work.  Give yourself a break and smile -if this chap has money, then he doesn't 'need' her financially and I'm sure he can find other women because he must have talent... .   (so actually, their relationship may go kaboom even sooner).  Idolise-Devalue-Kaboom... .   every time.  She'll idolise his money now, but it'll bring the kaboom date forward  

It's ok to be bitter Arn, but don't compare yourself to this man.  Another thing i've learned is that when it comes to ££, people are full of solid waste particulates... .  

[Dog biscuit]

. Please help me process this part of it, ya'll, please? I have been asking this for days and I just don't understand her behavior.

Hey Arn, I read your pain and turmoil over the last days, it is pretty heavy stuff you have to deal with, and I surely can relate to the trigger stuff and the obsessive part of what you describe.

However, what might keep you trapped in all this pain and anger is the fact that you are trying to UNDERSTAND something that you simply cannot understand. It isnt about the money, it isnt about you being not good enough for her, it isnt about whatever you seek to come to an explanation of why this is happening, it is about trying to accept that it is something that you cannot understand. And you may be very lucky that you cannot understand her behavoir or motives, it says something good about you!

There is no understanding that is going to make the pain and frustration you feel go away. It doesnt matter why she does the things she does, what matters is that you survive this ordeal in good health.