Just strung along

[tabular]

So it turns out my ex was just stringing me along for emotional and academic support. Had the guts to call me even to discuss his most recent project with me and get feedback. However, when I told him explicitly that I cannot and don't want to be just friends, he first ignored it and continued contact as if I never said anything, then (after me repeating my point) acknowledged it and said that he is just busy at the moment and can't see anyone until he finishes. He finished on Monday. I saw him at uni, asked to hang out, but all I got is a 'soon'. Then the 'soon' turned into 'I just want to be in recluse until March', and when I responded that I will only stick around if I can trust that he will make the effort to see me when he has time, he replied that I am delusional if I think that we will ever be back together, all he wants us is to remain friends and cordial.

Heartbroken. Still want him back. No idea what to do. Wrote him to never contact me again.

[Moonie75]

Tabs,

First thing to do is, absolutely stand by your instruction to never contact you again, with total conviction. You do this by applying the same rule to yourself & not contradicting yourself & contacting him again.

That gives you a healing space.

2nd thing to do is take a deep breath.

3rd thing to do. Is to shift focus to yourself & how/why you allowed yourself to be in a relationship like this.

And throughout all of this change, do your absolute best to be proud if yourself & love yourself.

Moonie x

[Tausk]

Hi Tab: It's very hard and painful.

Are you sure you want to be on this board?  Maybe the undecided board might be better to learn about techniques to improve the interactions.

If you think you do want to detach, then I'd say that NC is the only way for you because it's so difficult to find the resolve .to say no or keep your boundaries.  I know.  My ex was like water running downstream, any gap and she would flow through.  And it was my fault.  I allowed the flow of the interaction with the malignant hope that things would be different.

Do you blame your pwBPD for the recent destruction?  Are you angry at him? 

Radical acceptance for me meant that I had to understand that it's a DISORDER and she was never going to change.  There were many words, many good intentions, many moments of intensity... . but no moments of intimacy, no responsibility for actions, nothing to trust... .

And most importantly, no evidence that anything had changed at all.  And she was Disordered so it wasn't her fault, She was engaged in behavior that she had learned to survive.  It was my responsibility to take care of myself.

How about you? Can you point out anything in your interaction with your ex that shows that things can be different?

If so, then maybe the other board is for you.

For me, i just ended up losing a major chunk of my life to the destruction of the Disorder and am just now finding myself again.

Thanks for posting and good luck.

[tabular]

Hi tausk, thanks for you reply. I am staying on this board because I decided to go NC. I've had enough, really. It is a horrible feeling to feel used to this degree. I was very clear with him about 2 or more weeks ago that being friend zoned won't work for me. He never said we were going to get back together, but he also never said otherwise. And how he just moves from agreeing to see me on Monday to agreeing to see me 'soon' to 'not any time soon' to 'never' within ONE DAY … enough is enough. I even doubt he'll miss me judging by how busy he is at the moment, but oh well. It is time I move on and find someone who actually respects me and doesn't just use me as an emotional punching bag / academic advisor of sorts.

[tabular]

Tabs,

First thing to do is, absolutely stand by your instruction to never contact you again, with total conviction. You do this by applying the same rule to yourself & not contradicting yourself & contacting him again.

That gives you a healing space.

2nd thing to do is take a deep breath.

3rd thing to do. Is to shift focus to yourself & how/why you allowed yourself to be in a relationship like this.

And throughout all of this change, do your absolute best to be proud if yourself & love yourself.

Moonie x

Thanks for this! I got everything I had to say to him out of my system yesterday and now it is full-blown NC (though I feel a bit bad now that he did kind of initiate it himself by not replying to my messages once I told him yet again that friendship is not an option). No more crap like this. Of course - (not so) deep down I still want him to see the light, reignite the love he had for me etc. etc., but not at the expense of my own expectations and needs.

[tango1492]

I've been broken up with my ex for 6 months. I asked him not to contact me and he did it anyway about 4 different times. Each time, I responded because I was desperately missing him as well. Deep down, even though I said I didn't want contact, I was hoping to hear from him. But every time, he ended up bailing after professing his undying love for me. It only took him a few days to change his mind each time. And I told him it was only fair that he let me go if he didn't really want to work things out. It wasn't fair to keep stringing me along and giving me hope, etc. It's now been 17 days since the last contact. Changed my phone number, email, blocked him on FB. It's still difficult every single day. I think about him all the time and miss him a ton. Deep down, I still hope that one day--maybe a year from now, etc., he will find me and will have changed. I'm trying to let  go of that though.

If you really want it to be over, NC is the way to go. If you can't imagine closing the door forever, perhaps commit to NC for a year. By then, you will probably have found your footing.