Does your family members put you down for dating/marrying BPD EX?

[eternalbloom]

My mom and sister have consistently put me down for putting up with the exBPD. They both are very opinionated downright verbally abusive themselves. My mom rewrites history for everything bad she does, she seriously thinks she does no wrong. I saw my father beat and tear her down for 17 years, the only reason they broke up is because he left her for someone else. My sister is jealous and a serial bully and lives in the past. Sometime ago concocted a theory that I was the perfect child and thrives on my failures, it makes her feel like she is better than me.

I go through period where I talk to them and fall out (not speak for months > years), usually because I resist their guilt trips,  say "no", or get into some verbal attack with them. Over the course of my relationship with my ex I went to them out of desperation to share what was going on in the relationship with my ex boyfriend. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, at 37 years old I knew that my "secret" turn into ammunition & would get thrown in my face but it was that bad for me, I couldn't bear being in this alone.

They both insisted I leave the relationship each time I came to them, while neither one of them have ever been brave enough to terminate an abusive relationship, cold turkey on their own. But I did it, because it was necessary for my own survival.

My mom insists she doesn't know how I could settle for someone like this, as smart as I am, based on how I was raised, etc. I haven't been able to verbalize how I fell for this guy either, I wasn't able to figure that out until I started reading about BPD and discovering my own co-dependency issues and the courting process & honeymoon phase I fell for.

My mom asked once why do you let him do that to you, and I heard a voice say because ou did it to me too. I didnt say that but it was at that moment when I realized the verbal and physical abuse on top of the Triangulation and manipulation was familiar. More familiar than the non abusive relationships I had been in... .

My sister on the other hand is enjoying my recent downfall, reels me in with talks of how she's glad we are friends and normal friendly banter, then goes off on a tangent about childhood things (mostly how she was left alone when our parents divorced and her life is ruined because of it... . she's 34 btw). Every now and then she brings up my fall from grace with catty remarks like, "I can't believe you'd been deal with someone like that" to comparing herself to me constantly emphasizing the negative things I am going thru. In fact a week ago she went on a drunken tirade about our childhoods again (her popular subject) and she said that it was my karma/fault and that I am going through this stuff with the ex, she said its not him its you you'r always trying to blame things on other people! I grabbed my stuff and got out of her house fast. I've since cut her off and have no plans to speak with her period. I get it. They are toxic people. My sister is a bully and b*tch and my mom is in complete denial.

When I think about them I get that same feeling when I argued with my ex about rational topics that somehow became irrational circular conversations with no meaning. There's no real way to explain how you get here, he doesn't even acknowledge that hid presence in my life has contributed to my depression, isolation and current financial issues.

I feel really misunderstood and alone. I have a friend who dated a BPD guy so we swap stories and breakthru moments but he doesn't have closure and its certainly too early for me to expect it.

Just wondering if anyone else's family thinks they are crazy too.

[Tausk]

Hi Eternal:

It's sounds like a lot.  I could barely keep up with the dynamics of your post.  But to say the least, I understood what your wrote.  In fact, everything resonated so much that I was almost triggered into anger that only my family can trigger   My family is not very functional at all.  As many of us on this board come to realize, the dynamics of our interaction with our exes wBPD, are rooted in the dynamics of our Family of origin (FOO) issues.  

My mother was very stressed when I was growing up in a single parent family, and she had a lot of tendencies of BPD.  My aunt is definitely BPD, and my sister has many of the characteristics as well.  It's because of this that often I didn't think that I deserved good things in my life. I don't bring my partners around my family, because I won't be able to stand the scrutiny.  I might was well jab myself with a pencil.  It would be less painful.

The Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) was thoroughly ingrained into my psyche by the time I was 14 y.o.  It was not a surprise that I have gone through multiple BPD partners, until I learned about BPD, and I how it affects my life.

Are you seeing a therapist?  Mine helped me sort through much of my f'ed up thought process and FOO issues.  And just reading everyone on the board with similar feelings helped me to feel no so alone.

Thanks for posting,

T

[Madison66]

Sadly, a couple of my family members felt like they lost me as a brother when I was in the abusive r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Happily, they have expressed gratitude to have me back.  I feel the same way... .

[santa]

It would be excruciating to watch a family member's life being ruined by their BPD significant other. If any of my loved ones were in that situation, it would be hard for me to keep my mouth shut.

[eternalbloom]

Hi Eternal:

It's sounds like a lot.  I could barely keep up with the dynamics of your post.  But to say the least, I understood what your wrote.  In fact, everything resonated so much that I was almost triggered into anger that only my family can trigger   My family is not very functional at all.  As many of us on this board come to realize, the dynamics of our interaction with our exes wBPD, are rooted in the dynamics of our Family of origin (FOO) issues.  

My mother was very stressed when I was growing up in a single parent family, and she had a lot of tendencies of BPD.  My aunt is definitely BPD, and my sister has many of the characteristics as well.  It's because of this that often I didn't think that I deserved good things in my life. I don't bring my partners around my family, because I won't be able to stand the scrutiny.  I might was well jab myself with a pencil.  It would be less painful.

The Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) was thoroughly ingrained into my psyche by the time I was 14 y.o.  It was not a surprise that I have gone through multiple BPD partners, until I learned about BPD, and I how it affects my life.

Are you seeing a therapist?  Mine helped me sort through much of my f'ed up thought process and FOO issues.  And just reading everyone on the board with similar feelings helped me to feel no so alone.

Thanks for posting,

T

Ha! I was hoping IO was being clear - I appreciate your post and encouraging words. The FOG is so familiar. I find its harder to express emotional content clearly. To answer your question no, I am still in search of a therapist. I've gone to 3 places and was told they are understaffed and I would be seen a month later though each said they believe I am depressed, anxious and have PTSD. I found an appt at a place on the 17th, cant wait till that day.

[love4meNOTu]

No, they did not. Initially they all loved him, or at least that's what they said to me.

Now they just want me to be happy, whatever that takes. I'm lucky that they are here to support me. Even my kids, who loved my ex husband want me to move on and have a happy life. They saw how crazy he was at the end and detached far more quickly then I did. My son saw him somewhere recently and didn't even tell me about it until weeks later. That's how much they protect me from further hurt.

They were so very concerned for me, it really makes me feel loved. So I may have had a horrible marriage, but I sure have a wonderful family.

L

[eternalbloom]

Sadly, a couple of my family members felt like they lost me as a brother when I was in the abusive r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Happily, they have expressed gratitude to have me back.  I feel the same way... .

Thanks for your reply. My sister does express that its just riddled with some other hurtful stuff she picked up along the way. I had so many friends and acquaintances before this, I been a social person all my life I feel like I have to start all over now. Sometimes my phone doesn't ring for days. :-/

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eternal bloom, It's interesting that many of us Nons end up re-creating a familiar family dynamic in our r/s with a pwBPD, which is one reason why our attraction to our BPD SO's is so intense, in my view.  Lucky Jim

[Ceide]

Hey Eternal Bloom - Thanks for posting this topic.  My family situation is much better now than it used to be, but I still can relate to your post.  I am an adult child of an alcoholic (Dad) and I suspect my Mom had some kind of personality disorder.  (I go to Al-anon meetings and joke that my Dad was the normal one - heh.)

My exuBPDbf is so high functioning, he fooled not only me, but my friends and family.  Everyone loved him, thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me.  This was mostly true, except for when, after about a year, he got triggered, painted me black and abruptly left.  Then everyone thought he had serious issues!

He recycled me for about two weeks last summer (after a two-year break up).  I was terrified of telling people that I was even talking to him again, much less contemplating reuniting with him.  I had underestimated my friends and family.  They were amazing.  They were concerned for me but all of them responded with, "Well, maybe this time you'll get closure."  I can't tell you how shocked I was to get this response from my sisters. 

I have a complicated family history and I, too, had to detach from my family for years.  I understand how painful it is, and also what a relief it can be when you do a boundary with people that hurt you.  It is so important for us to take care of ourselves.  I could only do these boundaries after I had been attending Al-Anon for a few years.  I was also seeing a therapist and had a group of friends for support.  You are going through so much right now and I applaud you for trying to take care of you; for seeking out a therapist, for posting on this site, etc.