Hello to all,
Asking for any ideas, thoughts or comments on how to deal with BP coaching children.
Actually had BP tell me daughter feels rejected by me, then when I ask daughter later if she feels this way she yes, but can't remember why or when. There is so much more but it's all the same. Every time daughter comes for visitation she starts out acting angry and irritated... . starts snapping at me and today said I was annoying her. After about 30 minutes of talking her down and setting limits, she returns to her normal self for periods but then at various times withdraws again.
I can see her struggling with deciding what or who to believe. I am already practicing the validation in simplest terms. I have ordered books splitting and divorce poison recommended by others but still looking for any insight.
Please help.
Some of the transition stuff is not unusual when kids are adjusting to divorce. However, it can be exaggerated when a BPD parent is attempting to alienate a child.
A while back, I learned that S12 just needed to go straight to his room for a bit after coming back from his dad's. He might yell hello, and then poof, he was gone. At first, I chased after him, and then I realized he needed to process the transition and I didn't actually want to be caught in the cross-fire
. Eventually, he would come out and be fine. But chasing after him sometimes made things more tense so I stopped.
I also found that asking questions that pointed out his behavior helped me get centered. For example, if he was acting irritable toward me, I would say, "S12, you seem pensive and jittery. Are you feeling ok?" He might answer, "There's nothing wrong! Why do you always say that!" And then I would say, "I'm reading your body language and your facial expression, and your voice is very angry sounding. You just swatted the cat and banged the door. These are all signs that someone is upset." Sometimes just reflecting back to him what it was like to be around him helped him cool his jets.
S12 learned some tricks from his dad that are kinda like circular arguments, but in a tween type of way. I would feel like I couldn't "win" no matter what I said. I know the teen years things get more like this, but S12 has been doing this for a while, and he trained with a master.
So I started to repeat what was happening, and referencing what my choices were, then putting it back on him as a question. For example, "You told me that your foot hurt. I hate when I stub my toe, that must really hurt. I asked if you were ok, and you said I didn't care. When I care about someone, I ask them how they are doing because I want to know if they are ok. It sounds like you would like me to express my concern in a different way. How should I show you I care?"
That also got me looking at the 5 Love Languages questionnaire for kids, which you can look at here:
www.5lovelanguages.com/You'll get better at learning what your daughter needs during transitions. In general, the longer she spends with her mom, the longer the transition will take, at least that's what I found.
When I put myself in S12's shoes, I realized that it would take me a while to adjust if I had to move every other weekend and adapt to the local customs
Some of the challenges are regular human challenges, and some are based on BPD-specific challenges.
