Fleas?

[lauren50]

Reading resources at bpdfamily, the boards here, and talking with my T, friends, and family has really helped me to understand that I am not the unhealthy one in my relationship. However, for years, really since the beginning of our relationship, I've been made to feel like I was. And because I had low self-esteem in the beginning of our relationship and marriage, I believed it. I'd apologize for all the things I did "wrong" and beg for another chance. I was insecure that he would leave me one day because he made it clear that I was not good enough for him, yet he loved me and just couldn't leave.

There's been things I've done that are things he does to me that I hate, but I hate that I did them. I hate that I acted so unlike myself. In fact, I never felt the things I feel now in any other relationship. I feel like the past eight years I've spent trying to live up to the idealization of myself that he created. And whereas I used to look down on myself for not being everything he thought I should be, I realize now that I'm not such a bad person. I'm actually a really great person and I think, a pretty great wife.

I guess I'm just vocalizing some of the things I'm realizing. Learning about the FOG has been immensely eye-opening as well. Thanks for reading

[tiredndown]

Change the gender and I could have written the exact same things.

Keep in mind, you are normal because you can look at yourself with objectivity where as he can't \ won't. You feel bad when you hurt him, he can't because he is incapable of it.

[Seneca]

  lauren! Super mega dittos to what you said. It's such a relief to realize what's wrong with them, that it has a name, and it isn't you. Granted, you aren't perfect or totally innocent, none of us are - but you have been trying to deliver love and care to someone who cannot recieve it because their wiring is twisted. It is REALLY difficult to stay focused and grounded in the truth you found... . they are expert maniulators and will do just about anything if you start to pull away, including being (miraculously) sweet and attentive. but it never lasts. i hope you are taking some time to learn about yourself, why you were attracted to someone like this, why you put up with it for so long, and how to begin to heal and protect yourself. you aren't alone. 

[lauren50]

It is REALLY difficult to stay focused and grounded in the truth you found... . they are expert maniulators and will do just about anything if you start to pull away, including being (miraculously) sweet and attentive. but it never lasts. i hope you are taking some time to learn about yourself, why you were attracted to someone like this, why you put up with it for so long, and how to begin to heal and protect yourself. you aren't alone. 

I know it. Even though he's the one that's been telling me he wants to leave, he has days where it seems like he's making up to me and leaves me notes, does thoughtful things, etc., but it seems like he's usually just doing it all so I'll have sex with him and if I do, then I get told I was only doing it because he wanted to, or I was drunk, or I must have been thinking about someone else. So, then the cycle repeats and he wants to leave again. It's exhausting. But thankfully, I have been taking time to learn about myself (I recently started seeing a T who believes that because my mother was abused in front of me for years physically, I was bound to end up in an abusive relationship myself. And perhaps since I recognized physical violence as abuse, I didn't recognize emotional abuse because it wasn't so escalated.) The healing part is yet to come... .