Get real

[buddy1226]

I'm procrastinating some much needed work as it's been slow lately and my head is on the usual subject so I hope you don't mine if I let the snakes out.

It occurred to me today to grab my balls and get real with this. Knowing what I knew, and I knew all I need to know within the first two weeks, literally, the notion of loving this woman, let alone trying to build a life with her is insane! I slept with her in the first night, she was snorting adderall and piss drunk. She told me about her criminal history, how mental illness runs deep in her family and her childhood, which is where the root of this lies. Reform school for a year at age 12 for truancy? Who experiences that? For the longest time I never saw her not drinking. And the evil torment... etc, etc, etc... .

So you must wonder, what's up with me? Well I'll tell you. I was just months out of a four year relationship that I was grieving still. I was lonely but looking back life was good. She pounced on this. She pursued me hard. She would have to cal about business and in doing so I jokingly said 'I'm a lonely bachelor"... After that her calls became more frequent and personal until she insisted I come hang out with her one night spur of the moment.

She had dated some friends of mine that I have respect for but it was over a decade ago... far too long for them to remember enough to warn me. Plus I don't think she was as bad then... I really can't put my finger on that one because they don't hate her even though one that she works with know she's crazy, he just isn't one to start drama about it by getting in my ear... She was like 19 and 20 then and 32 when she and I hooked up so maybe the memory has faded.

I'm rambling but my point here is that she will never get better. I've read volumes on this subject and there is no way in hell that she will be anything other than a train wreck. Yes, I was duped big time. I was a complete fool and have cost myself and my family enormous stress and money over her crazy ass. That;s the shame of it all. My family was innocent and don't deserve this. It has affected them greatly and they are getting old. Basically trying to bail me out of the devastation I found myself in the aftermath of this very sick woman.

She is a loser. A very sick loser and she will never be anything but that. In fact it will get worse. Way worse I'm calling.

I get hung up on her moving on so fast. Not so much that I'm jealous but that I don't want to see her be able to dupe the next one so easily. People tell me I needn't worry that no one will be a gullible as I was. Maybe they are right. I didn't have to wait in line for her and her phone wasn't ringing off the hook when I met her but you can't tell with these women. Who knows what could have went down in the weeks prior to us. I guess it doesn't matter. There is just this strong desire to see her get what she deserves. I got a look last week when she broke NC and it was bad. As bad as I've seen from anyone. I think that was God because up until then I was really struggling.

Gratitude. What happened to gratitude... . It use to pull me through... I abandoned it... I abandoned a lot that I believed in chasing this relationship. I have to take responsibility for that. I was not true to myself. I sunk to her level and lived life like she did. That's why I'm here ultimately. I was better than this. I trusted, was betrayed and sh!t on at every turn but I allowed it. that one stings pretty bad too.

I appreciate you all. my new friends... I wish we were all in the same place and could meet regularly... I'd like to give you all a hug. I read my story from you every day... You have helped this poor, pathetic fool... But I'll be back and if my experience can help someone or prevent what I have gone through then we are all better for it.

Thanks again. I have to get to work now. Peace.

[heartandwhole]

Great work, buddy.  This getting real stuff is very powerful and you are really digging deep – very admirable!  

It occurred to me today to grab my balls and get real with this. Knowing what I knew, and I knew all I need to know within the first two weeks, literally, the notion of loving this woman, let alone trying to build a life with her is insane! I slept with her in the first night, she was snorting adderall and piss drunk. She told me about her criminal history, how mental illness runs deep in her family and her childhood, which is where the root of this lies. Reform school for a year at age 12 for truancy? Who experiences that? For the longest time I never saw her not drinking. And the evil torment... etc, etc, etc... .

So you must wonder, what's up with me? Well I'll tell you. I was just months out of a four year relationship that I was grieving still. I was lonely but looking back life was good. She pounced on this. She pursued me hard. She would have to cal about business and in doing so I jokingly said 'I'm a lonely bachelor"... After that her calls became more frequent and personal until she insisted I come hang out with her one night spur of the moment.

Yes, I was duped big time.

You really did know everything you needed to know from the git go.  And you went ahead. So, how did you get duped?  

[lucyhoneychurch]

I guess we all could wear the "Knew Better... . and then some" Tshirt. Mine's a M what size is yours? 

Here, let me make you feel better - my loved one who is reason I am on this section of the bpdfamily board as opposed to my usual haunt on the Coping with Family threads - I knew him for over 15 years. I'd seen him at his worst. I knew the way he talked about other people that had "tried to burn him down" as he calls it.

Eyes wide shut?

Yes.

Witty, charming, sees that I need firewood or that mowing my lawn makes my world a little better (I'm as much a neat freak with my garden yard as inside the house), so keeps my riding mower in motion, intelligent in his own line of work (not a machine or tractor that he can't disassemble and rebuild almost blindfolded - oh wait, that's just like my absentee distant disapproving father! wow!), eccentric on his good days, hell hath no fury on his bad days.

I will shake your hand for getting real.

The last of many (I'd say 2 dozen real humdingers, the Xmas Eve 2012 one the worst where I got knocked about trying to get him up his steps when he was furious and drunk and shoving me) last of many eruptions was this past um... . what day is it ... . Tues evening  and I am all round my house that night saying, Never again never again never again. So so far holding steady to that, haven't laid eyes on him, didn't fall for the next morning's "Hey whats up" text... .

Here's to our tomorrows.

I'm only 51, no clue how old you are. But we are all too young for this bulls**t.

Cheers. 

[buddy1226]

I was duped, heartandwhole in that I remember my thinking at the time being that she had a troubled past but seemed to have pulled herself up by the boot strings. The alcoholism I was witnessing but tended to graze over thinking I may be hypersensitive to it because I had been in recovery (AA) for years. I could also tell, or so I thought, that some of the  red-flags were things she wanted to work on and I could help her with. Even with my recycles she would lead me to this belief. I still almost think it's true but it was too hard for her.

The abuse, erratic behavior, hot/cold emotional instability I allowed thinking we were working out some kinks. I wanted it to work and because my last gf had Cluster B traits I didn't want to have the same issues with this one, therefore I think I overcompensated in what I was willing to tolerate.

To be honest also, I wanted it to work for reasons other than love. I viewed her as a trophy among our peers. I was not supposed to have the happy ending with a pretty girl and I didn't...