Controlled explosions?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm sat here eating my breakfast (first in a week) and wondering something.

There were many occasions when I witnessed my uBPDex 'keep a lid on it' when letting the bomb go off would make her look crazy! For example, she got triggered one night by a waitress commenting humorously about the size of my hands,while we sat with friends in a restaurant. (ex often used to comment that I had big rugged hands & how much she liked them). I knew as soon as the waitress commented that my ex was going to turn this into god knows what, in her mind. I knew that she'd be brimming with jealous insecure anger. But, she remained calm (outwardly) and we all enjoyed a pleasant evening. It did come back to bite me on the ass, a few days later!  

There are lots of examples I recall of my ex holding it together in front of others when she got triggered. Only when it was safe to unleash her fury without witnesses, did she do it. But she always made up for the waiting!


My point being, if there were likely to be consequences, she could hold it.

I've been thinking about my ego this last 24hrs. Part of why I'm so bothered about her just taking up with some rich guy, who lets her Lady Penelope around in his fifty grand motor, is wondering if she'll hold it together for the sake of the consequences? Incentive being what he brings to the relationship, that I didn't. Status, toys of wealth, grandiosity etc etc.

We all know pwBPD usually have a very strong sense of entitlement. What better incentive to behave yourself?

If she holds her whack job loon pot ass together for the sake of this new lifestyle, it will seriously dent me!

I will look like I was the problem & maybe even the painting black will start to be believed by folks. "Must've been true because she's doing ok with ****".

I'm still fairly new to a small community. I don't relish the thought of looking like I must be the whack job!

[Moonie75]

I'm sat here eating my breakfast (first in a week) and wondering something.

There were many occasions when I witnessed my uBPDex 'keep a lid on it' when letting the bomb go off would make her look crazy! For example, she got triggered one night by a waitress commenting humorously about the size of my hands,while we sat with friends in a restaurant. (ex often used to comment that I had big rugged hands & how much she liked them). I knew as soon as the waitress commented that my ex was going to turn this into god knows what, in her mind. I knew that she'd be brimming with jealous insecure anger. But, she remained calm (outwardly) and we all enjoyed a pleasant evening. It did come back to bite me on the ass, a few days later!  

There are lots of examples I recall of my ex holding it together in front of others when she got triggered. Only when it was safe to unleash her fury without witnesses, did she do it. But she always made up for the waiting!


My point being, if there were likely to be consequences, she could hold it.

I've been thinking about my ego this last 24hrs. Part of why I'm so bothered about her just taking up with some rich guy, who lets her Lady Penelope around in his fifty grand motor, is wondering if she'll hold it together for the sake of the consequences? Incentive being what he brings to the relationship, that I didn't. Status, toys of wealth, grandiosity etc etc.

We all know pwBPD usually have a very strong sense of entitlement. What better incentive to behave yourself?

If she holds her whack job loon pot ass together for the sake of this new lifestyle, it will seriously dent me!

I will look like I was the problem & maybe even the painting black will start to be believed by folks. "Must've been true because she's doing ok with ****".

I'm still fairly new to a small community. I don't relish the thought of looking like I must be the whack job!

[Learning_curve74]

A house of cards will always eventually collapse no matter how much care went into constructing it.

[love4meNOTu]

^^^Ditto what learningcurve said.

My ex held in his rage until two weeks after our marriage. So we'd been together about seven months until I saw the REAL man.

That guy scared the crap out of me. And even if he hasn't shown his new screw his temper yet, he will.

Just a matter of time.

L

[ts919]

My uBPDw is a pro at this; I dated her for two years and never saw her temper one time!  About two weeks after returning from our honeymoon it started... . and has never stopped.  She never lets it fly in front of others though; it's always controlled until she feels she can rage without consequence.  I think it's the shame part of the disorder - if others saw the raging, it would cause too much shame for the pwBPD. 

[love4meNOTu]

I just remembered something... .

Towards the end my ex husband was out of control, he was raging all the time. I had ENOUGH. I called the sheriff, they came over, I went outside and explained that I was afraid of my husband and that he was yelling at me in front of my children AGAIN.

They went in to talk to him, he folded like a house of cards. I've never seen someone so humbled. Boy, he sure could turn off that anger when he needed to. It made him look so very foolish in front of the officers and in front of my children. He really is a broken man. But, he was bullying me. And he couldn't bully those officers.

L

[Johnny Alias]

It takes SOO much energy for them to do this.  Really.  The idealization phase and containing the anger is VERY hard and believe me it will continue.  Seething rage isn't something that just goes away.  With the new guy the offenses will pile up and she will explode.  It will happen.  

If yours is a big drinker like mine was it will happen sooner than later.  

 

Will my emotionally abusive girlfriend or wife be sweet, normal and wonderful with the next guy? The answer to this question is no, No and NO. Many men torture themselves with this highly unlikely possibility when they contemplate ending the relationship, after they’ve ended the relationship or when their on-again-off-again exes are treating them like a cat toying with a half-dead mouse.

What’s the Origin of this Irrational Fear?

This fear and faulty belief can be traced directly back to the source of all irrational distortions, insecurities and lies—your ex. This kind of woman explicitly or implicitly conveys that she’s always been a sweet, kind and loving person until she met you and that you bring out the worst in her. The implication is that there’s something wrong with you, which is why she treats you the way she does. Malarkey.

This is yet another example of how these women refuse to take responsibility for their behaviors and blame the victim instead. If it were possible for you to interview her past and future boyfriends/spouses you would hear eerily similar tales of the same relationship atrocities you experienced with her.

Unlike reasonably healthy people who change and grow across a lifetime; these women remain disappointingly the same. We grow and learn by acknowledging our mistakes and through loving and being loved. These women never acknowledge their myriad mistakes and don’t know the first thing about love. She won’t be different in a new relationship. A woman like this replays the same misery over and over again. The only things she learns from her relationships are how to control, manipulate and hurt others more effectively.

[DiamondSW]

I'm afraid that my ex size 10 model after the idolisation phase of 3mths could NOT control her temper (when she was alone with me).  In public, yes, she was perfect and sweet.

With me, she would either be adorable, depressed or raging.  It was one of the three.  There was no 'middle ground'

The rage episodes were 4 major ones in 10 mths, take off idolisation, that means 1 public display of humiliation every 6ish weeks. 

Now was she like it before she met me?  Well, let's just say the men she was with before had vanished, or she 'hadn't dated anyone?' or they were in a differnt continent... .   so basically, YES, in hindsight (stupid me), it HAD happened before many times... . and will again. 

... . BTW... . Maybe she'll crash this guys 50,000 dollar car?  Then you'll be glad it wasn't a $10k one... . he'll quickly face some 'issues' then over who was to blame... . triggering... . rage... . uh oh... .  

[buddy1226]

Dude I have the exact same concern, Moonie. It would suck to see my ex happy and healthy with my replacement. Thing is, I've got friends and family that will call me out on my BS in a heartbeat and not a single one of them has told me anything other than to stay away from this nut job. If the stuff you read on these sites resonates with you like it does me, you needn't worry because it wouldn't if she were not BPD.

I even have thoughts that mine would keep it together with the next one just to spite me. I also think that since she didn't always rage and is a huge drinker that maybe she isn't BPD. She was passive aggressive but a spiteful, angry witch. Total drug addict too.

I read the article johnny referenced often and it helps me.

It's amazin how we all have the same thoughts about this.