Day 7 - he says he'll do anything to get me back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

It's the 7th day since I left and I've had a lot of texts from him in the past two days, last night was him saying he misses me and isn't there any way we can save this r/s.  I said that as far as I could see nothing had changed and so I wouldn't even consider risking it because it just wasn't working.  He gave up and fell asleep, probably blind drunk.

Today he sounds more desperate and says he will do whatever it takes to 'change' himself so that I will want him again and that he needs me and is feeling terrible and wants me back.  I'm not tempted, though I feel sad for him.  I'm so happy in my new place, if a bit panicky and lonely at times, but it's just such a relief not to have the constant gut churning drama... .

I said in reply that I was there and he kept pushing me away and that it was painful and I needed to be where I am now.  I suggested he see a therapist, as he had intended to do, and get some help with how he's feeling.

I wonder if anyone has any ideas as to how I should respond to his texts?  I don't want to make him feel worse or say the thing that will make him increase the texting, but at the same time I don't think NC would be right either.  I tried NC once before when we broke up and I felt agitated by the silence; I'm finding it easier to detach with some contact.  He's too far away to just turn up and doesn't drive so I'm safe out here. 

Am I perpetuating his pain?  I know I feel a lot better when I don't hear from him... . I suppose the truth is I'm not quite ready to cut him off completely. 

Janey xx

[janey62]

Hi all,

It's the 7th day since I left and I've had a lot of texts from him in the past two days, last night was him saying he misses me and isn't there any way we can save this r/s.  I said that as far as I could see nothing had changed and so I wouldn't even consider risking it because it just wasn't working.  He gave up and fell asleep, probably blind drunk.

Today he sounds more desperate and says he will do whatever it takes to 'change' himself so that I will want him again and that he needs me and is feeling terrible and wants me back.  I'm not tempted, though I feel sad for him.  I'm so happy in my new place, if a bit panicky and lonely at times, but it's just such a relief not to have the constant gut churning drama... .

I said in reply that I was there and he kept pushing me away and that it was painful and I needed to be where I am now.  I suggested he see a therapist, as he had intended to do, and get some help with how he's feeling.

I wonder if anyone has any ideas as to how I should respond to his texts?  I don't want to make him feel worse or say the thing that will make him increase the texting, but at the same time I don't think NC would be right either.  I tried NC once before when we broke up and I felt agitated by the silence; I'm finding it easier to detach with some contact.  He's too far away to just turn up and doesn't drive so I'm safe out here. 

Am I perpetuating his pain?  I know I feel a lot better when I don't hear from him... . I suppose the truth is I'm not quite ready to cut him off completely. 

Janey xx

[seeking balance]

Hi Janey,

Limited Contact (LC) is an alternative to NC that can work in some cases.

Boundaries - what are yours regarding him right now?  What exactly works for you?  If we focus on a plan for you, than we can help communicate that plan so you don't make things worse for him.

Does that make sense?

SB

[Perfidy]

You don't know what you want Janey. Impossible to have resolve one way or the other until you make a decision. You have one foot pointed backward and the other forward. I know this feeling. Once I resolved to move forward in my life without her I felt some relief. I still hurt a little when she tries to seep back in. I know it's over. I accept it and use that as a foundation to base my interaction with her. I choose no interaction. No communication. No contact. No possibility of friendship. No enemies. No hate. No love. It isn't perfect. I'm human, I have feelings. I loved this girl like I had never loved anything else in my life. She was poison. The enormity and depth of her deceit does not permit me to acknowledge her.

Everyone is different. If you need to stay in contact that's totally your call. There's no right or wrong as long as your safety is maintained.

[love4meNOTu]

Janey that is a really tough position to be in. So torn...

Well I think that things must have really been bad for you to make the decision to leave him. And you have finally left him.

Can you sit still for a moment and think? I mean, you don't have to do anything, you can just rest with the feelings for a while and see what happens?

If he does get help, that would be wonderful, and probably a long, hard road for him. Not exactly a journey you can go along with him for. He's gotta want to do it for himself, if he's doing it for you it probably won't stick.

Maybe you can stay in his life enough that it doesn't cause you pain or hold you back in your own life? The limited contact thing that SB suggested?

Whatever you do... do what is best for YOU. You are the one who has to live with the consequences.

blessings,

L

[janey62]

Thanks SB and Perfidy,

I think I do know what I want, I want to be free of the turmoil I've felt every day for the past 4 months and to do that no contact is best for me.  I've been fighting off a virus since I moved and the symptoms have increased in the last 2 days!  I could easily succumb to it now that the fire fighting has stopped and I am more relaxed.

I suppose there's still a part of me that doesn't want to see him hurt any more either, and although I know logically that I ended up being the major trigger for him, I still hold on to wanting to care for him.  My feelings for him have dwindled and I'm not aching so much for the loss, just want the peace.

It's a bit like an infection that hasn't quite cleared up and it's dragging me down again.  I'm going to have to have some NC, at least for a while.  This is ridiculous though!  In the past when r/s have ended I've not had so much trouble letting go?  Have I?  Perhaps some recycling, well... . actually quite a lot    I'm seeing a pattern... . If I let go then it's over and I really am alone and I hate that.

Oh dear.   comes on.

xx Janey

[janey62]

Actually love4me, I told him today that I thought he should get some help and that I just wanted some peace and he said he was sorry and he would leave me alone, then the texts stopped.  Perhaps when he contacts me if I just tell him that I need some time to rest and be left alone, he will gradually get the message, especially if I don't engage in conversation with him.  Sort of let him down gently.

I really need to be left alone... .

Thanks for your kind words 

Janey xx

[seeking balance]

 I'm going to have to have some NC, at least for a while.  This is ridiculous though!  In the past when r/s have ended I've not had so much trouble letting go?  Have I?  Perhaps some recycling, well... . actually quite a lot    I'm seeing a pattern... . If I let go then it's over and I really am alone and I hate that.

Oh dear.   comes on.

xx Janey

I am confused, are you saying you want NC or you want LC with boundaries?

[Perfidy]

Self preservation Janey. If you decide on nc, then that is the time to shield your self from cumbersome intrusion by others. With this private and personal time make your focus entirely on your self. Concern yourself with only what Janey wants no one else. Work on your self and stay alone until you like it. There is no other way to be alone with your self and like your self. If you manage to like your self when you are alone you may find that you won't have it any other way. You will think long and hard about who you invite in to your personal space. I know how hard this is. You have my support.

[janey62]

You're confused SB? 

I think Perfidy has it, I am afraid to be alone, especially now because my sense of myself has been battered by this r/s.  I've been alone before and it was OK, I was happy and I liked myself.  I just have to get back there. I had a lot more going on in my life and was settled and secure though.  Now is a bit different.  When I start my job, hopefully next week, it will all be easier because I'll be occupied and around other people, neither of which I am now. 

I'm going to go NC.  I will tell him what I'm doing so that I don't get the backlash of his anger and hurt at being ignored, but tell him I will.  I need this!

Thanks for offering your support Perfidy, it makes such a difference being on here and having this source of understanding and support.  I like your that phrase, 'cumbersome intrusions'; it certainly feels like that, as if it interrupts the healing process and takes me back a step or two.

I really do need to learn to be selfish and only do what's good for me.

Yesterday I found a spiritual healer who lives locally.  I was researching this for my dog who has cataracts which can't be operated on because he has a heart murmur.  I looked up animal healers and up she came.  She does humans too.  I've had spiritual healing before at crisis points in my life and I don't know what it is or if/how it works, but it helped at the time, helped to ground and centre me and was purely self indulgent.  I will call her today.  Might even get my dog's sight restored to some extent  .  If not, it will be an adventure.  Also seeing doc next week and will ask for some counselling. 

Woke up with a optical migraine this morning and feelings of panic and anxiety again... .

Janey xx

[Perfidy]

Spirituality is usually the lacking ingredient in healing. I have a counsellor that told me this. Understanding spirituality requires leaps of faith. Some people choose religion, some are already religious. Religion has dogma that can be difficult to process in itself. Beliefs and faiths vary. It's difficult for anybody to understand.

Rather than understand, I try to experience. I accept all of the different beliefs, religions, and all of the ritual and ceremony, as a totality that exists in the universe that I am. For me this is spirituality. Knowing that I'm not part of the universe, I am the universe, experiencing it's self, and that what ever happens is exactly as its meant to be.