How to handle the drama that surrounds the breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi there,

I desperatly want to get rid of all the drama that the r/s has caused, but it feels like the only way to get rid of it, is to go trough it... . and I start to feel tired of it.

My ex and me have a lot of mutual friends, one of them is the friend that introduced us. She and I build a friendship over the years, where we shared a lot of our daily live storys with each other. She and I became pretty close, and she wittnessed the r/s from aside.I have often turned to her for advice or reflection during the r/s with my ex.

During the 2 years the r/s lasted, she and my ex hardly spoke with each other. I always felt she was more my friend than his. But now the r/s is over, she takes on a strange position. My ex is suddenly  reconnecting with her, and they have lengty conversations over the phone, so she tells me.

I.distanced myself somewhat from the friendship because it doesnt feel.safe and I dont want to put her in a loyalty conflict.

But I begin to feel the friendship she and I share is under pressure now because of the bu and the fact that she is getting more close with my ex. She doesnt want to choose between the two of us, and I do not want to force her in that position either, but it sure feels like she is choosing sides. It feels like she is choosing his side, and feels a lot of sympaty for him, by minimizing the hurtfull things he has done during our r/s and after the bu.

I dont get it, she witnessed the r/s and knows my integrity.

She doesnt call me anymore, she does not respond to text messages, and its freaking me out. I cannot believe this is acctually happening... .

Maybe I am reading to much into it but it feels very weird for her not to contact me. Especcialy now after the bu.

I dont know how how to handle this situation properly. Do I reach out again and ask her directly whats going on, or do I just let go of it?

[Dog biscuit]

Hi there,

I desperatly want to get rid of all the drama that the r/s has caused, but it feels like the only way to get rid of it, is to go trough it... . and I start to feel tired of it.

My ex and me have a lot of mutual friends, one of them is the friend that introduced us. She and I build a friendship over the years, where we shared a lot of our daily live storys with each other. She and I became pretty close, and she wittnessed the r/s from aside.I have often turned to her for advice or reflection during the r/s with my ex.

During the 2 years the r/s lasted, she and my ex hardly spoke with each other. I always felt she was more my friend than his. But now the r/s is over, she takes on a strange position. My ex is suddenly  reconnecting with her, and they have lengty conversations over the phone, so she tells me.

I.distanced myself somewhat from the friendship because it doesnt feel.safe and I dont want to put her in a loyalty conflict.

But I begin to feel the friendship she and I share is under pressure now because of the bu and the fact that she is getting more close with my ex. She doesnt want to choose between the two of us, and I do not want to force her in that position either, but it sure feels like she is choosing sides. It feels like she is choosing his side, and feels a lot of sympaty for him, by minimizing the hurtfull things he has done during our r/s and after the bu.

I dont get it, she witnessed the r/s and knows my integrity.

She doesnt call me anymore, she does not respond to text messages, and its freaking me out. I cannot believe this is acctually happening... .

Maybe I am reading to much into it but it feels very weird for her not to contact me. Especcialy now after the bu.

I dont know how how to handle this situation properly. Do I reach out again and ask her directly whats going on, or do I just let go of it?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dog biscuit, it seems like you are trying to control something over which you have no control.  My BPDxW said a lot of mean and horrible things about me to mutual friends after we separated, yet there was nothing I could do about it, so I decided to use it as a filter to find out who my true friends are.  Maybe you are finding out who your true friends are, too?  LJ

[Rosehip]

I have found the same thing with some people I thought were friends. I think the best thing is to cut your losses. It's hard but you won't be able to trust her again. Also it keeps you linked with your ex. You don't need that.

I wish this wasn't so hard for us. Just know you deserve better than this.

[seeking balance]

Hi Dog biscuit,

The friend fallout has been a bitter pill for me to swallow as well.  I had a similar experience, and adding that on top of the breakup was really hard.

I.distanced myself somewhat from the friendship because it doesnt feel.safe and I dont want to put her in a loyalty conflict.

I did this too

But I begin to feel the friendship she and I share is under pressure now because of the bu and the fact that she is getting more close with my ex. She doesnt want to choose between the two of us, and I do not want to force her in that position either, but it sure feels like she is choosing sides. It feels like she is choosing his side, and feels a lot of sympaty for him, by minimizing the hurtfull things he has done during our r/s and after the bu.

yes, I felt exactly the same way and it really did hurt deeply.

I did reach out and say my truth and I had my friend say she wasn't picking sides.  It was at that point that I had to save myself, so I stayed away.  About 6 months later that friend had called to wish me a Happy Easter - our families spent that holiday together over the past few years.  I didn't call back - I just had nothing left to give.  By that point, the divorce was getting messy, I was on the boards a lot really processing my own grief and realizing how many people I tended to be much better friends to than they were to me.  This person included.  I cried over it a few times.

Looking back, what I learned was this:  everyone takes sides.  Not taking a side, is indeed taking a side.  I never asked anyone to pick; but you know what - I had mutual friends pick me too, just not all the ones that I thought would.  One friend actually told me, "I thought you should know, I unfriended your ex on FB today - I cannot watch you go through this and see her life be what she is presenting."

People with their own integrity will choose - people who want to be "friends with everyone" don't realize they are choosing by default - but they are.

I am sorry you have to go through this dogbiscuit - the fallout of these relationships is truly sad.

Peace,

SB

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks for the reply's! 

It is comforting to know that others have been trough the same, and survived.

Sorry you all had to go trough this also  :'(

And yes, the not choosing sides,is choosing sides SB, thats how I percieve it to be. I'm really struggling with this, and I feel like I am stil in the no-win position.

It makes me somewhat paranoid ( on guard) and it makes me feel so small and vulnerable, yuk, I desperatly want tot let go of all this drama, but I dont know how to solve it, or to let it go. It hurts, it makes me angry and it keeps me entangled.

As stated I have to cutt my losses and I have to let go of the group of "friends" I have known for 7 years. It all piles up inside of me, and I notice I am starting to feel very powerless and insecure. I have to find a way to feel strong and secure again.

It feels so unfair and twisted, never expected that this would be the dramatic aftermath of this BU. Losing friends over it... . how weird this all is. :'(  :'(

[growing_wings]

hi Dog Biscuit

I am sorry you are going through this  . this is unfair, friends fall out hurts like nothing. Makes us feel like our ex was right.

I am going through it right now, and i understand how hard and painful this is. I am trying to get to the reason why it hurts so much for me to lose friends, i am not close to finding out, but i think is a mixture of just knowing that they are choosing her over me (is a bit of an ego reaction which is very natural), but is also a sense of betrayal from the friend... .

Remember, the pwBPD is doing all she can to drive the friends to her side. they will do everything they can, as my T put it, they will do irrational things to achieve this, will not respect boundaries etc. and you will not, you have boundaries, so this is an already unfair game she is playing, is not your fault you are losing friends, they are not leaving because of YOU, but because of what they have heard, which is not you right?

HOw to let go of the drama? my T loves talking about it, awareness of being in the drama is step 1... . then imagine you let go of that drama... . everytime it reaches, just breath out and let it go (easier said that done, i just repeat what T says, i am doing my best to follow it)

[seeking balance]

It all piles up inside of me, and I notice I am starting to feel very powerless and insecure. I have to find a way to feel strong and secure again.

Yeah, I do remember this too.

What I found was making my actions and words align made me feel strong again.  Doing the "hard" on my side is how I rebuilt my own confidence.  I had to balance that with not getting sucked into perfection (recovery perfection). 

There really are things we are powerless over - I think that is where faith came into play for me.  I am not necessarily churchy, but my spirituality was tested through all this too - and it actually grew deeper once I was done being pissed   

[Lucky Jim]

Remember, the pwBPD is doing all she can to drive the friends to her side. they will do everything they can, as my T put it, they will do irrational things to achieve this, will not respect boundaries etc. and you will not, you have boundaries, so this is an already unfair game she is playing,

You put that well, growing wings.  That about sums it up.

The interesting thing is that some people are not dumb and will see through what the pwBPD is doing, but others will not.  Out of your control so better to hand that one off to your higher power.

LJ

[ShadowDancer]

Indifference

[growing_wings]

[/quote]
There really are things we are powerless over - I think that is where faith came into play for me.  I am not necessarily churchy, but my spirituality was tested through all this too - and it actually grew deeper once I was done being pissed    [/quote]


is good to know this SB... i feel like i oscilate between being pissed & trying to be balanced. I need to stay in control now, or i can lose it more than in the beginning of the B/U. NC now is more important than EVER for me i think.