I don't even know what to make of last night

[joshbjoshb]

Hi everyone, good morning

After her death threats from Saturday (she said she will hire a hitman, or "better yet take a knife and kill me herself", I've spoke to her last night and told her that that was a major red line she crossed, and she must go to seek professional help "or else". I didn't elaborate what will I do if not, but in my head it can either be me calling police, or going to a lawyer... .

So after kind of accepting that this is something she needs to do, she tried presenting her side of the argument. As usual it was twisted truths full of her insecurities - I don't value her, I am going to therapy because I am trying to find a way out of the marriage or simply because I want the therapist to think that I am the good guy, then she said that I am making her sick to her stomach and she is about to have a panic attack, then continued with a list of my flaws and how horrible of a person I am.

Granted, one of my biggest flaws is sometimes the inability to validate, especially after I hear the same complain over and over and her doing the same mistakes again. So when she comes to complain I gently suggest she thinks what have she done wrong.

WRONG, I know, but still I do that sometimes.

It went on to her crying - which is always a good sign as she usually yells and accuse and almost never cries - but then, maybe she is just trying to soften my heart, and cause me to stop forcing her going into therapy... . she said she wants to go to her parents - mind you, the same parents she almost never speak to.

I told her how horrible it must be living in a world with not a single person you confide in. No friends, sister, nothing (she herself admitted that) and how good will it feel to at least share with someone what she is going through.

Very bizarre conversation. I don't even know where all of this is going to lead to, but I must insist on the therapy aspect.

Please give me some feedback, help and mainly love and support

Thank you

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[mywifecrazy]

I would recommend you document the death threats or you should report them. You may need that information in divorce and especially custody (kids?).  I hate to say this but I found out a lot of things my uBPDxw was doing behind my back AFTER I caught with someone else. I'm not saying yours is cheating but anything you can do to document things that may help you later I would highly recommend!

Question: Did your wife break off her relationship with her family (Mother, sister)? My uBPDxw broke off all ties with her family during our divorce. She is trying to hide from all the lies she told them about me and the lies she told me about them. Her worlds are colliding. I read on hear that it's common for pwBPD to abandon their family for fear of rejection.

[Samuel S.]

Josh, I applaud your decision about her needing to get into counseling, or else. If you think your relationship with her can be saved, then, this is the way to go and to remain steadfast about your intentions. If she refuses to get into counseling, it is best to determine exactly what you want to do, because making death threats is a horrible thing to do, whether it is a relative or not.

As for her placing blame onto you and turning it into a poor me monologue, I frequently come across such manipulation as well with my BPDw. It is a complicated manipulation in order to get out of a bad situation that she has caused and in order to confuse you as much as possible; however, you have seen right through it, and I again applaud you for recognizing it.

No matter what you do, Josh, protect your self, and do what is right for your self. She obviously does not care. She will only begin to care and listen when she has a dialogue with you. I wish mine would do so, but she has a counselor now for herself and refuses to entertain the idea about couple counseling.

[elemental]

I went back through your posts and I am not clear on this fight you had.

So will ask some questions.

What started it? What was it about?

You say simply she was raging. Why was she?

The reason I ask is this: you are learning some new ways of communicating. Her response is your guinea pig. She will sense there is something happening that is different. DIFFERENT from status quo scares BPD. She doen't knows what it means. So it's scary.

pwBPD are extremely sensitive to shifts.

Trying to negotiate anything with her while she is scared and getting more and more upset is not going to be effective. Trying to get her to agree to get "help" while she is upset trying to talk to you is incredibly invalidating. WE understand that from your side, you just want it fixed asap. From her side... she felt so invalidated and frustrated... she lashed out and really began to rage, saying outrageous things as she felt more and more invalidated.

People who are not even BPD will do that.

And you threatened to call the police.

To descalate these situations, you need to be really proactive by knowing when to disengage. You need to know when to put it down and walk away.  It is so much easier to not have things happen, than it is to try and control, shame, or intimidate each other to the very brink.

So, taking a step back, the key to this could be what you can do in recognizing when escalation begins... and being able to disengage. It's not about making your partner wrong, and therefore an opponent. When they are an opponent, you can't get them to trust  you, let alone work with you.

[joshbjoshb]

First of all, thank you all who replied.

Zencat, I appreciate your words, although I disagree. What you are suggesting is that the only boundary I set is disengaging. Don't they ever have to face consequences? And don't we ever have to enforce them? In other words, she will continue to threaten me? And what if, as Samuel suggest, there is a even a slight chance that in a crazy attack she is going to do something to me? She did throw things at me in the past, and in this past rage she also lifted a big toddler walker and in the end threw it on the floor. In other times she threw chairs at me.

Granted those are the exceptions and not the norm - it doesn't happen every other day, more like once a year. But still. Shouldn't I put a major stop sign?

Please see my other thread as well regarding forcing her to go to counselling. I supposed to meet my therapist next week, who is an expert on BPD, and I hope he can guide me more on the topic.