Hearing about them is a trigger... Don't do it.

[Johnny Alias]

Oh man. That just sucked.

Hung out with a mutual friend who just CANNOT filter her comments. My god.

One minute she's telling me the ex has all this work done and looks like crap and I'm eating it up... . And the next she's telling me that she had it done to look more sexy for the new guy.

And apparently the ex was asking about me in a big way.  God. 

It's such a trigger. Might as well have broken NC.  Got so upset I was ready to leave the restaurant.

If you have a mutual friend DONT ask and if the start volunteering info cut them off and say you DONT want to hear about it!   

It will NOT help. It will totally screw you up!

[seeking balance]

Yeah, boundaries around even the topic of what ex is up to can be self preservation early on.

Hang in there - you will balance out again.

So, what is your boundary with this friend NOW?

[Johnny Alias]

We've agreed to NEVER talk about the ex again. I'm still in the throes of a PTSD fit. Trying to calm down. Had to talk to my buddy for an hour.

Lord this will not end.

Hearing that she is asking about me and still head over heels in love with new guy jacked up ANY calm that I had.

I am such a crack addict for her. Unreal. Even after all her crap. All that pain she put me through. Unbelievable.

I am so addicted to the push pull the heaven and hell I don't know how I'm going to be attracted to a healthy woman. Lord.

[Johnny Alias]

God this is brutal. I'm still thinking of all the things I could have done differently.

But it's soo irrational. I know this deep down. She's damaged goods. More baggage than a freight train.

She is a 43 year old alcoholic ex stripper with major rage and entitlement issues. She falling apart looks wise. She has no money and no job. She cannot have a kid. She cannot communicate calmly like an adult. She can never take blame or responsibility for any wrongdoing.

Come on man! 

[Waifed]

God this is brutal. I'm still thinking of all the things I could have done differently.

But it's soo irrational. I know this deep down. She's damaged goods. More baggage than a freight train.

She is a 43 year old alcoholic ex stripper with major rage and entitlement issues. She falling apart looks wise. She has no money and no job. She cannot have a kid. She cannot communicate calmly like an adult. She can never take blame or responsibility for any wrongdoing.

Come on man! 

You just listed multiple reasons why she isn't a good relationship partner. The addiction will calm down over time. Realizing she is no good for you is a nice start. I can tell you are hurting but it gets better. One day at a time. Hang tough... . good days ahead without her.

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks for that. Hearing about her was like talking about the last time I got high or something. Crazy!  Heart was racing.

It'll get better. Just need some calm. Getting away this weekend will help.

[guitargrl]

Just want to say sorry your feeling this way and I can totally relate.  Sucks having mutual friends, its so hard hearing things… I too wonder how I will be attracted to a healthy man ever. Feel so hooked on something so unhealthy.

[santa]

Friends don't let friends know stuff about their exes. 

[node4]

Seeking Balance

I love this... . and it's so true...

"I am so addicted to the push pull the heaven and hell I don't know how I'm going to be attracted to a healthy woman. Lord."

... they throw us away, and we are the only ones that can really handle them... . irony... . one thing they do... . is make us feel... . more than we ever have, and we know we are alive... .

[buddy1226]

I've had the same day only I've done it to myself.

We have to realize they will never get better. The new guy will go through the same hell you did. It sounds like he isn't the healthiest himself so it will be far worse with them. The idealization stage doesn't sound so ideal from what you've described. I also think part of the replacement is to get at us and possible an escape from having to deal with the breakup.

Mine is trying desperately to find a replacement and is a completely different person. Much like yours the wheels are coming off the wagon from what I've gathered.

I know how you feel, bro. I've been obsessing all day. This will pass and we will get better. They will not.

I will say that things are getting incrementally clearer. I can look at her past relationships and see the pattern. BPD written all over it. When we are in the idealization phase we think we are the only ones that have ever been lie that with them and we are different. Then when that's over we spend the rest of the time chasing that. It's a living hell but we are out of it now. We just have to go through withdrawal. It's awful but it beats the hell out of the alternative. Sane people stay away from them. That is what we are doing.

Hang in there, man. We're going to turn the corner on this. Putting this behind us and reaching indifference will feel great. I can't imagine it now but I remember life before her and what I wouldn't give to go back there

[Popcorn71]

I had this today.  I went to visit friends and all they did was talk about my ex and things he is doing with the new tart.  It has upset me and I feel physically sick.

I'm not going to visit these 'friends' again.  They must have known they were upsetting me yet still carried on.  They were also taking a very keen interest in my life.  To feed back to him next time he visits them, probably.

Hopefully, we can weed out people like this and one day live a life free from people who insist on talking about exBPDs.

[tango1492]

I completely understand. EVERYTHING is a trigger for me. If I have any reason to think he's dating someone new, if he posts a new pic on FB, if I know anything about his life... . it's ALL a trigger. My heart races, I literally start shaking. I miss him and fear I'll never be attracted to anyone else again too. It fades though. Ever so slowly. But it does. Right now, I still worry that there will never be a time in my life where I wouldn't be sucked in if he cropped back up in my life. I literally feel like I could have zero contact for 10 years and if he showed up, I'd be right back to square one. I hope that's not the case. But it does feel that way now.

[GuiltHaunted]

I literally feel like I could have zero contact for 10 years and if he showed up, I'd be right back to square one. I hope that's not the case. But it does feel that way now.

This is a fear I have too with my uBPDexgf... . I am thinking what would do to me if I was married and had kids with another woman, and then! For the same reason I made it clear to her NEVER to contact me again. I even said to her "not in a year, not 10 years and not in 20 years."

I am still thinking a lot about what I would say and do if I coincidentally ran into her. I am a pilot and she is a flight attendant. My airlines uses her airline when we have to move around as passengers, which happens a lot.

I am 100% sure, that in a 5 years, she will be greeting me in the door in some aircraft somewhere. The thought drives me crazy... . I have gone through numerous different ways I could respond. Probably I would go for leave me alone you crazy bhit or how's it going with your heart condition? Aha, and your slipped disc? Oh good and your BPD? or run like a mad man back up the jetway... . (probably the right thing to do).

[myself]

I remember life before her and what I wouldn't give to go back there

Better to keep going, making better choices, than back there making the same mistakes.

[schwing]

I miss him and fear I'll never be attracted to anyone else again too. It fades though. Ever so slowly. But it does.

Right now you miss him because you are still working through your attachment to him.  We don't make and break strong attachments easily or quickly; not so, if you are disordered.  In time you'll be attracted other people, but it'll be a while before you will allow yourself to feel so vulnerable again.

Right now, I still worry that there will never be a time in my life where I wouldn't be sucked in if he cropped back up in my life. I literally feel like I could have zero contact for 10 years and if he showed up, I'd be right back to square one. I hope that's not the case. But it does feel that way now.

It depends upon how well you take care of yourself in those 10 years.  The thing is, nothing can happen in those 10 years, or a lot can happen in those 10 years.  First order of business is to mend your heart.  And in that process you'll figure out what you've learned from this past experience and apply these lessons to your future experiences.

If you manage to allow yourself to form a deep attachment in the future, and hopefully a slightly different deep attachment, then you will be in a position where there is nothing your exBPD loved one can offer you that you will find tempting.  There is nothing that the illusion of love can exceed in place of actual love... . except fantasy.

Best wishes, Schwing