I've learned a lot about boundaries. When to have a boundary and why to have a boundary and how to establish a boundary and what is the difference between a boundary and a value.
A boundary needs to be given some mulling over because it isn't a boundary if there isn't a consequence for it being crossed (otherwise why have a boundary?).
When BPDSD22 was a teen we had a boundary about her friends not being allowed in the house when we weren't there. She had to get permission to have anyone in our home. She had to give 24 hours notice before a sleep-over and we had to have met the girl invited for a sleepover over dinner in our home before they could spend the night. These were two separate events. First the meal. Then she could invite the girl for another night. Her Dad and I had veto power over having a friend spend the night if we felt they were a negative influence
We had this boundary for many reasons.
1) SD was inviting "insta-friends" to sleep over and several times these girls she didn't really know stole or damaged items in our home, invited other people to sneak into our home, brought in drugs or alcohol.
2) Because I came into the family after she already had established friends I deserved a chance to meet them before hosting a sleep-over.
3) SD would let kids who missed the bus over to our home (we lived within walking distance of the school) with no notice. Often SD was trying to curry favor with this kid (due to the other kid's bad behavior at school because SD was attracted to the "bad kids"... . we didn't want to foster SD's maladaptive social relationships.)
4) If the kid had to eat a family dinner with us they got to witness our values and often, the unsavory kids would find this too much effort especially if they were just using SD for whatever she had offered. (believe me, she would offer someone the moon if they were more popular than she was and they would let her hang around with them).
We established these boundaries in a written contract that we read aloud to SD. We had her read it out loud herself and sign each paragraph and we had little review during a monthly family. SD actually used to love the family meetings because we would either play a game or watch a movie afterwards.
The consequence for these boundaries was easy, if she didn't comply the invited kid had to go home or back to school. If she had expectations that we would be more lenient she quickly found out that the above boundaries were solid as a brick wall.
So, the difference between a value and a boundary? My value in this case isn't just a one word piece... . I value not being surprised by unplanned visitors- or IOW I value my privacy. I value my personal safety and the safety of my personal belongings. I could not trust that SD's motivations would insure my personal safety. I also value my SD and wanted her to have the space to find respect for herself.
The boundaries I had around her having friends over enforced these values by giving consequences if the rules weren't followed.
I had to send strange teenagers home or back to school in the rain several times before SD would remember to call me to ask permission to bring them home. She eventually got the message... . after she got enough cr^p from these kids at school after their expensive shoes and flat-ironed hair got wet. Bwah-ha-ha (evil me)
I also believe you have to choose your battles. When you set a boundary you have to be clear about what the boundary is AND you have to be able to follow through with the consequences. It sounds like you don't want to call the police. Sounds like your therapist has set this boundary, not you. What did you tell your son when you told him you
would not tolerate swearing in our house
I think he needs to have clarity about what will happen when he does. I would guess that he doesn't swear around his GF or at work because his GF and his work have clarified "why not" or maybe he is simply being more respectful of these two entities because he doesn't want to lose them. Can you gain his respect by sticking to your boundary? If he comes over, he obviously wants to be in your presence so it seems like a consequence where you remove yourself or ask him to leave is key (and you are the only one who can figure out how you want to enforce the boundary. I think we are more successful in establishing a boundary if it is something we can actually enforce... . such as ending a conversation. Calling the cops etc. seems like a lot of rigamarole, LOL>
Good luck to you! This is all so hard
thursday