At what point does it stop hurting?

[itsnotme]

When does it all sink in? I went nc over 5 months ago for. Second time in my life and I thought by now it wouldn't bother me anymore. I thought the guilt would go away and I would be free from all of it. But really I'm just consumed with it all the time. My head is filled with so many  scenarios

-how is she doing w the snow storm?

-what does she tell her sisters,extended family about me?

-will this nc carry on to my sisters? (That would kill me)

Should I go back to therapy? I went for years when I was a teen and I credit my therapist for where I am today. But to be honest I don't have the time or the money. I also don't want to use someone else bc it would take months to fill them in on my past. I hate how this is still always apart of my life. I would never say this to anyone but I often wonder what my life would be like when she's gone. How will my relationships w my family members be? Will I be free of guilt or would I be consumed with it?

Thanks for reading. Just sitting here w cabin fever.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I don't think it ever stops hurting. I have always felt so cheated in that department of having a kind loving mother.

But life made up for it on so many other levels. My own children and my friends have filled in so many potholes that lurked in my heart.

Some of the hurt is just part of us now. We are scarred by our history, everyone is... . but it can also give us empathy for other people in pain, whether physical or emotional or both.

I don't exactly see that as a silver lining, usually resent someone implying I should be okay with my past if it helped me tune into other people... . but that is true in a sense.

The hurt remains. What I might suggest to you and so understanding where you're coming from, is assess your list - I have literally written mine out because it makes such an impact that way - here is the CRAP in my life and here are the BLESSINGS in my life.

Because that list is our reality.

Reality is the present moment. When I can see a list that has the awful stuff right there in black and white, and the good stuff juxtaposed to it, I will have a chance to get a grip on my fears maybe.

I only have the next five minutes or hour or today.

That is reality. Tomorrow's issues and fears and joys are tomorrow's. Where am I today and right this moment?

and yesterday's are shadows now.

Wish I could give you concrete help.

But fellow travellers have the best road conditions 

Up to the moment .

[Sitara]

For it to sink fully in for me I think came over a year after learning about BPD and realizing I needed to drastically remove my family from my life.  One day everything just hit me hard and I had a sobbing breakdown, but afterwards I felt much better.  Like my body had needed to release some of my sadness.  Other than that it's been slowly getting better day by day.  Things become a little easier, a little less painful.

I don't know that you need a therapist to work through things, but it will put more responsibility on you to learn and to look deep within yourself honestly to work on healing.  I also am not at a point where I can afford one, but I'm also reaching a point in my healing where I wonder if, when I can afford one, will they really be able to help me much more?

The guild has receded too.  I know I am doing what is best for me and my family.  It doesn't make it stop hurting that I've had to make this choice, but I do not feel much guilt anymore either.

Take care of yourself. 

[sandraD]

Just reading your post tonight I remembered thinking the same thing about my mother the other day and to some extent my dad too.  I wonder sometimes if they are both borderlines and that is why they hooked up to begin with.  I too have also had the same thought that once my mother and dad are both gone will life be easier and will my sibs and I have a better relationship when they have passed on?  I would frequently see my mother pitting my younger sister and me against each other when we were growing up.  She would be the one getting into trouble and I was the good daughter because I never stood up for our rights when we were growing up.  We were children and she would do what I call now triangularization on us by comparing us to each other and I think today that is one reason I do not have a close relationship with my sister or my brother.  I was the oldest daughter and she always put me up as the good daughter, the responsible one, the one she could always count on but when I finally grew up I could see where she had just used us for her sick games and lied about my dad and talked badly about me to my relatives when she did not get her way about something.  I fought back when I grew up and would not put up with the verbal abuse in her house and I moved far enough away to put a stop to her hypercritical abuse all the time.  But now my younger sister will not even call me or email me when I email her and we have not seen each other in many years and so the damage has been done and even though I have tried to reach out to her, she will not have contact with me.  I think one day when my mom and dad are gone, her and my brother may decide to get back in touch but the damage has been done and all I can do now is pray for things to change.  Their mental disorder hurts everybody involved and especially any kids that are involved in it because they have no idea how to deal with it and all they want is to be loved and cared for and they are forced to live with their parents and have no other options but to try and live through all of the abuse and dysfunction. In my family there was plenty of that for everybody.  Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling as you do.  It is really a sad thing when this happens to families and no one knows just how horrible it is unless they live through it.  But I still have hope that with prayer and with the Lord's help to live the best life that I can live, there just may be some joy left to experience in life yet.  I did not start out with a happy family but I will try and work to the best of my ability to see to it that my children have that for them and one day my grandchildren.  Just stay close to the Lord and know that He cares for you and your family too and others have gone through this too.  Stay strong and be true to yourself!