Insights in Bonding Therapy

[dharmagems]

Hi all,

I've been in recovery from xBPDh since March of last year and it's been an up and down road.  Last month I have joined a weekly group therapy.  It is a form of bonding therapy.  The focus is on touching each other in a very intimate way, but not sexual way.  We are holding each other, sitting in between each other's legs, and lying prone on top of each other.  OK, this sounds strange, but it's conducted by 2 therapists and there is usually a group of 10 of us.  During all of this touching we are given the oportunity to release emotions like anger and fear.  I think the point is to release and still have someone to witness, affirm, and stay by.  Weeks switch by talk nights and bonding night. 

Last night was bonding night.  I was new, so the therapist started with another person touching me.  I was on the mattress laying down.  He started by holding my hand, then placing a hand on my head, also the other person was doing that.  The therapist kept asking if it was ok.  After some time, I felt uncomfortable and weird, and started shaking and crying.  The therapist asked that I stay in my body, and I couldn't really.  I couldn't control my shaking and crying.  They put a blinket on me so I wouldn't feel so vulnerable.  As they kept touching me, the therapist said to stretch in my work and allow them to give me tenderness touching and to receive it. 

Some memories came back. BTW- My mom had NPD and my dad was codependent.   Then, I started talking out loud that my x used to touch me this way and I learned that it was wrong.  I said I usually hide my emotions, and that I'm trying tools to be my own mother now.  I've gone through a lot these years, and I want to release, but I keep everything in because I'm ashamed to receive care.   I told them I don't know why I can't stop shaking.  They were there to listen to me.  After for about 30 mins. of shaking, I stopped shaking.  I was exhausted.   

Afterwards I was supposed to lay prone on the woman that touched me.  It is looking like I am hugging her.  I've never done that to a stranger before and I was so exhausted that I allowed my whole body to rest on top of hers.   It was weird, but I also felt good.  It's like the memories of when my dad held me as an infant, or when my x held me.  I wasn't shaking or crying, just feeling soothed.  The woman didn't process any of her anger by yelling, just was silent.

I left the meeting by crying more on the drive home and crying when I went back to my apartment.  It was an exhausting night.  Yes, these years were hard.  I was going through PTSD with leaving my x, and childhood abuse memories I had to deal and process, I had to start building my life again, I went through IVF alone this past year with negative results. 

I am processing a lot of grief.  It was astonishing to me how much emotions I still have.  This bonding work is difficult but deep down it is feeling right. 

[heartandwhole]

Wow, dharmagems, that is some interesting stuff.  I'm so glad that it is feeling right for you, that's so important.  It amazes me how much the body is involved in all of our deepest feelings and experiences.  So many of us never think about every single event that is being registered by our whole organism. 

I'm a big believer (and practitioner) of body-related therapies.  I think you are brave to touch and be touched by these people at the group.  I think touch is so, so healing and some of the positions sound a bit scary for me – I really admire your willingness to open to that contact with others.  It doesn't surprise me that a lot of sensations and emotions came up for you.

Keep us posted. 

[dontknow2]

dharma,

It sounds like you found something powerful for you. What flushed out would take many therapy sessions for me. I remember one where I had uncontrollable shaking too... . it was when I facing a deep fear.

A shower is one of my best meditative tools with the feeling of warm water on my body. It didn't dawn on me until reading yours and heartandwhole posts that the physical and emotional connection is a reason why it works so well for me.

Grieving process is tiring. Take care.

[dharmagems]

Thanks all,

I do feel although very hard, it's also something profound to get through.  I rested well for next couple of days, including going to work.  I am processing why I was shaking uncontrollably.  I used to shake when my x goes off in rage and the worst was when it escalated so much I would call 911.  For the next 1/2 year or so, I would be trembling and shaking and cold during my waking hours in our relationship after a major disregulating event.  I was raised in a violent home where there was a lot of hitting and yelling and blaming and unworthy statements.  All the while, I was trying to hide the fact that all this was happening in my youth and adult life.  I've even blamed myself and worried to overachive to prove my worth. 

So now, I'm much older, and now the bubble burst and I am trying hide and cover up all the emotions and pretend all is ok, and I don't need the care and attention from anyone.  Receiving care is hard for me in difficult times because it is shameful. 

So when I was shaking, I was trying not to cry and shake, but it got worse, and my body reacted more.  I was trying so hard again to keep it all in and to hide it.  And on top of that, I was ashamed I couldn't stop shaking.

Thanks for hearing me process my stuff.  I know a lot already reading these boards about self soothing, self care, but my mind still goes to these places of deep shame and fear though my body's reaction.

[dharmagems]

This past session was very powerful during bonding group therapy.  When lying on top of my partner, I was ok giving, being silent, listening to her go through her emotions.  But, when it was my turn to receive, she was putting her hands on my heart and head, my body went into complete shaking and crying.  It was uncontrollable.  I couldn't even talk.  The therapist was saying to me repeat after her, "Even though I'm shaking, I am learning how to stay with myself"  She also gave me much validation saying that it's understandable that people go through trauma in childhood and relationships that this is the reaction.  She was trying to have me say my emotions verbally through words and get it out.  I still was shaking uncontrollably.   

Then my partner kept her hands on me and said that it's ok that I'm shaking and tried to talk to me about letting the emotions out and then thinking up ways to change the emotions, and then finally come to a resolution about the change.  This is the process when we are letting out emotions in group.  I was still shaking, until we stopped the process.

That evening, I thought that there is so much shame in me when people see my real self, especially when I'm scared.  In my childhood with my violent NPD mom and with my xBPDh, I used to go hide in my room and shake all the time there in fear.  Well, I did get through this session.  I learned that I still have these strong emotions pent up inside me. 

Post BPD relationship, I feel like I still can't receive tender loving care and touch.  My body is rejecting it.  I think it's because of all the hurt I've experienced and I don't trust anyone now.  To be idealized like it is unconditional love that I never got from childhood and then to be devalued and then to finally not have that unconditional love any more is devastating. 

I'm going to be kind to myself through this process.

[Ceide]

dharmgems -

You are so incredibly brave!  I don't know that I could do what you are doing, but what an inspiration you are!  I am an Acoa and grew up in a similar household so your story resonates with me.

Thank you for sharing your journey!