Here we go again - push/pull

[guitarguy09]

On Friday and last Thursday night, we had a huge snowstorm that I ended up taking the day off for on Friday. So we were having a nice day, were going to go out to lunch nearby and go to my wife's mom and stepdad's house for the weekend (something we both enjoy doing because they are very good to us). I made a "mistake" (mistake because it was something that she way overreacted to) by suggesting that we stay at my aunt's house on a road trip we were possibly planning. I said my aunt has been very good to us ever since we got married and she hasn't said anything bad to me since before that. Of course, this got her into "hyper-suspicious" mode and she said "when did she say something to you?" I would not have said anything had I known that she didn't know about it. I figured she did because I remember talking to my aunt at her house on the phone. I just said my aunt told me to make sure I was making the right choices.

Now, my aunt is very close to my family because she never got married and had a family of her own. So she feels a little extra responsible for us. Anyways... . at the time when she said that my uBPDw was having a lot of conflict with my family, and they were kind of pushing me to break up with her. Anyways, we moved on (obviously my wife hasn't).

So after I tell her that, she launches into a barrage of insults and basically throws me out and tells me to go to work. I drive over to work and in the process pick up some food for lunch. I get about halfway to work and it is getting late, traffic is horrible so I decide to just go home. On the way home, I texted and asked her if she wanted me to pick up any food for her. Never got any response. The rest of the afternoon she is passive aggressive towards me, telling me she is not going on the two vacations we had planned because they are "people that I know." I get a little mad because we had planned two vacations that would be a lot of fun, and because of an impulse decision from her, she decides to cancel them. Of course, I know she changes her mind on a whim so I didn't say anything to anyone about the vacations yet.

Later in the afternoon, she goes over to her phone, reads my text about offering to get her something, and she says "Yes, dumb@$#, of course I want something to eat. You probably don't care if I starve to death though." And I tell her, I would have been happy to pick something up when I was out, but I am not going out again because of the roads. I avoided JADEing.

Anyways, long story short, we ended up having a pretty nice weekend, her car got fixed, and we had a nice evening at home last night. I really get so tired of this cycle. And the vacations are back on. We purchased non-refundable flights for the first one, so at least I know now we have to go which is good. This push-pull really gets old. 

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[elemental]

as a pwBPD, she will will hyperalert for signs that she is not wanted. This she would feel deeply, and while your discussion with your aunt took place ages ago, this is the first time your wife heard about it, so it is all new to her. It is possible your comment brought back to her a bad time in her life ( see she was terrble to everyone else at that time, but she would have felt they were being terrible to her, too) and she may have simply been feeling hurt, ashamed and angry that people she has come to know better were being negative about her.

All that explanation to you... . just continue to validate her feelings, SET, and good job on not JADEing 

[guitarguy09]

Nice explanation of the events. That was indeed a very rotten time for both of us. On top of the rejection from the family, we were also both struggling with unemployment. My family which has narcissistic tendencies, all seem to band together (besides for me that is) in their purpose which is sort of to punish you if you deviate from the norm. Anyways that is a different story. My wife has sensitivity rejection in a huge way, as do most BPD by my understanding. She despises my family because they are unwilling or unable to apologize for things they have done to contribute to the current situation (true, but my wife has done all that and more). Anyways, we are back on track for the vacations. Not sure if there will be any resolution in the near future for getting everyone reconciled though.