Need help on a SET

[MissyM]

I need to talk to my dBPDh about money tonight.  We aren't in a good place right now and he is really abusive with money.  He is supposed to give me money today and hasn't.  I know the way it goes when I bring up money.  He says, you ALWAYS want money from me.  Problem is, he has total control of the money so I have to ask him for money.  It is just a sickening situation for me and I am pissed off when I have to ask for money.  By law in our state, it is our money.  I have been a SAHM for 16 years, I am working on getting into a degree program next year.


When I say I need the agreed upon money today and he starts spewing how I am just using him for money and I always want money, how do I reply in a SET?  I know this is how he feels, it just isn't the reality.  The reality is that the kids and I need money and we had agreed upon an amount every week.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

First, this could be completely avoided if he would set up an automatic direct deposit. It would remove the element for you of feeling like you are subservient and have to face his unkindness. I don't know how it would help him, except it's a task he doesn't have to make any effort for in order to comply with it.

Second, as far as set... .

Sympathy: If that were true, that you are just being used, it would be really upsetting that some person was just using you like that.

Empathy: I would feel hurt and angry too

Truth: We need to buy food, get the kids lunches, so on. Since I stay home  and my job is to take care of the kids and house like we agreed, then your side ( hugs) is working for the money we need.

I wish I could help you more, it sounds like he is being really difficult over something pretty obvious. And I tend to JADE, so maybe someone else will come along and give you a shorter concise version.

[an0ught]

Hi MissyM,

SET is not winning arguments or fights. It is about facts, truth and positioning them in a way that they stand on their own. SET may be part of a solution for you but will not alone save the day.

What you are having at the moment is not a good arrangement. You are begging for money all the time. He is handing out money to you all the time. Both sides get a skewed sense of power in the relationship, both sides spend too much thinking about what the other does with the money, both sides loose respect of each other.

The real problem is boundaries here. Boundaries in many senses. Both sides having to interact too often and feeling controlled or constrained by the other. Also boundaries in the sense that vital aspects of the relationship are in peril. Any solution that is going to work needs to have a boundary component worth its salt i.e. that is defensible by the party under pressure.

If you take a step back you will realize that you need to make two changes

- one is to agree on a new set of rules

- two is to agree on a budget

Now the first one can be conducted as a win-win negotiation. Setting up separate accounts, scheduled money transfers and no more hassling. Clearer separation, fewer conflicts, incentives to save on both sides. Who can argue with that? (A twisting mind might find fault somewhere but that can be contained).

The second however is a win-loose negotiation. This is budgeting. There will be conflict. You need solid arguments. He will bring less solid arguments but needs to be taken serious too. There will be postering, there will be bluffing there will be silent contingency budgets ... .

My advice would be to separate the two discussions explicitly. Agree on the ground rules. Agree on the process the first budget may be set and revised e.g. by keeping a log over a month and reviewing the budget every 3 months.

Now you can keep emotions out of the first discussion. Then SET may help to explain your point:

S: I got an idea to help us

E: we are fighting a lot over money. It is bloody tight. You are afraid to hand me money and saying no to me is not fun either.

T: Instead of always handling this ad-hoc in the worse possible moments a bit of advance organization could help us to have fewer conflicts and enable us to plan ahead better getting more out of our money.

[MissyM]

If you take a step back you will realize that you need to make two changes

- one is to agree on a new set of rules

- two is to agree on a budget

Now the first one can be conducted as a win-win negotiation. Setting up separate accounts, scheduled money transfers and no more hassling. Clearer separation, fewer conflicts, incentives to save on both sides. Who can argue with that? (A twisting mind might find fault somewhere but that can be contained).

We have had this conversation in therapy, repeatedly.  The therapist has asked him to come back with his ideas on how we can handle this.  He wants to set a budget and still control my access to money.  This has been a continual problem in our marriage and my bDPh is not willing to give up any control or micromanaging of money.   It seems perfectly logic and reasonable  to change this, yet my bDPH had a 1st wife that took all of the money out of the bank and left.  He has NEVER been willing to be intimate around money.  In general, getting him to behave like a partner is very, very, difficult.  Even though he agrees to things in theory, when it comes down to doing it he just will not. 

Currently, he is out of town and I have to talk to him about money.  He was blaming me for feeling badly about himself last night, that I have caused him to feel really badly about himself.   So, we didn't talk about money at all.  I could see it was not going to be a good time for that.