Will keeping the connection override fear of rejection for BPDexgf?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Good Afternoon

I was going through older posts on this site and came across one related to how normally if the non-BPD calls the BPD out of the lies and bs, they tend to disappear knowing that they have used that person up. 

Other than a text exchange asking her not to be contacting me by social media, we have been NC for 1 month.  Before that we had been NC for 2 weeks but exchanged messages after the holidays which did end well.  After she used exact the exact same illogical reasoning for the discard that she had used the first time we broke up (I was out of her league, didnt know I cared that much), the proverbial brick hit me in the face.  I called her out for texting inapproriate feelings when she was in a relationship with someone else and did not wish to be included in those as the ex-bf.  Pointed out her ability to distort the facts against all evidence of which her response was she is not a f&^%*$# liar and she did not nothing wrong or to be ashamed of.  This was a very telling statement.  I asked her to stop with everything, I was done with the abuse, done trying to make sense of the mixed messages and mistruths / ommisions of fact, and that I knew everything that had happened in January (first break-up), June (I recently found out she was lying/hiding things at that point) and November (when she moved onto replacement).  I didnt get into any details and I havent heard a word since.


So I figure she had disappeared, maybe the calling her out was the final straw that broke the camel's back? Lately it seems there are passive attempts to get a reaction from me which I would not expect because she must have that fear of rejection.  I have no background on if still with the replacement or anything else going on that may drive her need to have me available to her

Does the desire to keep the connection ever override the fear of rejection? and I should listen to the feeling in my gut and prepare for a potential recycle?

[nooseroundmyfeet]

Good Afternoon

I was going through older posts on this site and came across one related to how normally if the non-BPD calls the BPD out of the lies and bs, they tend to disappear knowing that they have used that person up. 

Other than a text exchange asking her not to be contacting me by social media, we have been NC for 1 month.  Before that we had been NC for 2 weeks but exchanged messages after the holidays which did end well.  After she used exact the exact same illogical reasoning for the discard that she had used the first time we broke up (I was out of her league, didnt know I cared that much), the proverbial brick hit me in the face.  I called her out for texting inapproriate feelings when she was in a relationship with someone else and did not wish to be included in those as the ex-bf.  Pointed out her ability to distort the facts against all evidence of which her response was she is not a f&^%*$# liar and she did not nothing wrong or to be ashamed of.  This was a very telling statement.  I asked her to stop with everything, I was done with the abuse, done trying to make sense of the mixed messages and mistruths / ommisions of fact, and that I knew everything that had happened in January (first break-up), June (I recently found out she was lying/hiding things at that point) and November (when she moved onto replacement).  I didnt get into any details and I havent heard a word since.


So I figure she had disappeared, maybe the calling her out was the final straw that broke the camel's back? Lately it seems there are passive attempts to get a reaction from me which I would not expect because she must have that fear of rejection.  I have no background on if still with the replacement or anything else going on that may drive her need to have me available to her

Does the desire to keep the connection ever override the fear of rejection? and I should listen to the feeling in my gut and prepare for a potential recycle?

[growing_wings]

Does the desire to keep the connection ever override the fear of rejection? and I should listen to the feeling in my gut and prepare for a potential recycle?

hi nosearoundmyfeet... .

i am not as experienced or knowledgeable as others on this board... . but i think pwBPD like to leave the door open or keep the connection due to two main things:

1. avoid the final "abandonment" feeling. this would mean they would have to re-live the initial abandonment or neglect that caused them to develop BPD. Although fear of rejection plays a part, I am not entirely sure is down to fearing this, but more, about avoiding to be "alone"... . my ex didnt mind to feel rejected by those who did not care for her... .

2. They like the attention others might give them, and we ex partners gave them that attention & care inspite of us getting treated badly. So they like to keep the connection alive so they feel they can get back to us if other partners dont work.

[heartandwhole]

Hi noosearoundmyfeet,

It's a good question, and I'm glad you are reading up on BPD, so that you are more aware of some of the common behaviors.

I agree with what growing_wings said, and I wouldn't be surprised if your ex attempted to contact you again.

How do you feel about that?  Does NC feel like the right move for you at the moment?

I think the best thing you can do is focus exclusively on yourself – your feelings, your actions, and your recovery.  I know it's hard, and very early in your process, so please be gentle with yourself.  Keep posting, and when you have time, check out the lessons ------------------------->

We're here for you.