I am just so worn out

[JustmeOK]

Hello!

I am just so worn out  :'( from my 16 year old son Tyler. (is the name we will use  ).

Before I get into the details of the present.  I do want to say-- We have known for years, our son is different in his behaviors

in the privacy of our own home, and its just progressively gotten worse as each year goes by).  My son refuses counseling.

I have called to make 2 appts, and he refused to go.  He ends up apologizing and promises things will get better.  The next day or week everything is just the way it was before if not worse.

My son is failing 10th grade.  He is TICKED at my husband and I because we REFUSE to let him get his license.  He is failing school,

he disrespects us and others.  He curses me everytime he doesn't get his way. He calls me a Bit*h -- which tears my heart in to a million pieces. (big button to push with me) (Espically if you all knew what kind of Mom I was-- I work Full time during day weekends off) -- My SON is my entire world, if I am guilty of anything its spoiling him too much(outside of him not getting his license)!

He spends every weekend at friends houses for the past couple of months. (which is probably for the best at this point, because We need some peace in our home).

He doesn't respect authority.  He acts like a toddler, He has destroyed a lot of things in our house.  There are so many holes in our walls, my husband refuses to patch them anymore, so you see Magazine and Pics covering odd places where he has punched holes in the walls.   When he doesn't get his way, he makes our lives miserable!  He says He could care less about school or his future.  At times he doesn't get his way, He says He is going to kill himself, which have always been empty threats (thankfully)-- He is trying to get us to give in. He will not get himself up in the mornings.  :)epending on the day -- can be a Crazy morning battle to get him

from his bed to the shower.  This morning he was fine-- THANK GOD~!

A lot of times he apologizes, but you know -- That gets old.  When someone apologizes for their abusive behavior, but do it the again and again, They aren't really sorry for their behavior!

I hate to admit this, but in the heat of the moment, I have said things, I shouldn't have said.  BUT I can only take

so much too-- ya know?  I am human, and I am tired of the person I gave birth too treating me and my husband this way.

At times I am so depressed.  I take St Johns Wort. supplement to try to take the edge off.  Like yesterdays eposide that took place in my car, was horrifying. I ate my dinner, and went to bed for 12 hours, Its a matter of survival for me.  I have a full time Job that I love, and I can't go to work all sad, depressed and ticked off all the time... . ya know?     He is an only child-- THANK GOD!

I am a Christian, and I attend Church.  They have some old fashion views, just as my boss does on how to handle Tyler.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I feel so isolated and alone regarding dealing with my son.   My parents sometimes see how Tyler treats us... .but they don't see all of it, and I know my dad wouldn't agree with Tylers behavior at all if he knew he was calling me Bit*h and failing and him being disobedient to us. My mom is battling her own illness says I will pray for him.  My Inlaws have some old fashioned views as well on how to raise him.

I am just so worn out, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I really don't.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trytrytry]

Dear JustmeOK,

I'm so sorry to hear about the chaos and hard feelings and anger. I can relate so well.  If it is any comfort, my DD is 27, and out of my house (mostly), and has managed to mature somewhat.  I do get that other peoples ideas about discipline don't work at all with our guys. 

This site has been a tremendous support for me.  I don't feel alone, and I have learned ways of communicating and protecting myself that help tremendously-for both of us.  Hope to see more of your posts.  You are not alone in this.

[raytamtay3]

Hi Just.  I can total relate to how frusterated you are and I too have said things to my DD14 that I shouldn't have in the heat of the moment. And of course I feel incredibly guilty about it and she will throw it in my face but neglect to appologize or acknowledge either what got me to that point (which takes a lot!) or appologize when she does it to me. I always appologize. And I've gotten a lot better about biting my tongue. But it's hard and incredibly exhausting as you state. But you aren't alone!

So many of us on here are currently fighting the never ending battle. Take solace in knowing that you are a good mom, that you are trying your best to help your son and that it's ok to mess up every now and again. We all do it with kids like ours!  

This forum has been invaluable to me. I only joined a little over two months ago and don't think I would have survived if I hadn't found it!

[MammaMia]

Justmeok

Just me... . you are NOT ok.  Please let us help you. 

Those of us with children wBPD know exactly what you are dealing with.  We have been or still are there. It is frustrating, infuriating, and heartbreaking all at once.  It sounds as if your son has not been formally diagnosed with BPD.  Sadly, many physicians are reluctant to put this diagnosis on teens until they reach the legal age of 18. 

Have you tried to work with his school counselor/therapist?  Often they can help to initiate getting treatment.  At the very least, it would get a foot in the door and address some of the anger management issues.  It is so hard to get cooperation from teenagers, but it becomes even harder as they get older.  I would encourage you to act now.

You also need someone to support you.  We cannot do this alone.  Have you considered therapy for yourself?  If you cannot afford it, you might check into groups like NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) they have free programs to assist families with mentally ill members.  They offer a Family to Family program that is very good.  It does not address BPD specifically but many other forms of mental disorders, and the focus is to explain how mental illness affects the family and to provide resources to help.  They offer local support to help families cope.

This board has wonderful informational materials specifically on BPD.  I would encourage you to read as much as you can.  there are helpful tips on how to communicate, set up boundaries, avoid conflict, etc.  I know you will find this information helpful.  It has been a Godsend for so many of us.

Please keep posting and let us help guide you through this very difficult time.  We understand your pain and want to help.

Thank you for joining us.