Is it me or what?

[sickandtired2]

So, I will try to make it quick.   After the family blowout on Christmas eve, I had no contact with my parents for three and a half weeks.  That was their wish because they stated on several occasions that the never wanted to see or speak to me again.  I made the first contact (by a get well card)to wish mom luck on knee surgery.  I also stopped in to see her in recovery after the surgery.  Since then, I have felt obligated to check on her every other day or so.  I know, so much for NC or LC! Well, this past Saturday was their anniversary.  I called to wish them a happy anniversary.  I couldn't stomach sending a loving card.  We had a relatively harmless conversation.  I had started to say that I had to run and start some laundry when she says "oh, your sister,her husband and dad and I are going out to lunch today.  Isn't that nice?"  Since, I have been cut off from the rest of my family for eight weeks, by my parents choice... . I found this unneccessary and hurtful.  I would have never known that 2/3 of the family is getting together and leaving my family out.  I guess maybe she thought that I could have said "oh can we join you"  but the way I see it... . if she wants to repair anything she should have offered.  Instead she said it just to rub it in and stick it to me.  I told my sister that I was really hurt by this.  Am I being too sensitive or do you think I am just in tune to her cruel games?  Well, I decided not to call her since Saturday and I have not heard from her either.  She is probably so angry that I didn't send a card!

[lucyhoneychurch]

I sometimes worry I chime right in and rush in... . but hate seeing 0 responses... . just want you to know what you say is so fresh even from years back... .

oh it was awful, the ways someone else mattered, the ways someone else managed to please her.

I would be rich if I'd had a dollar for every time she would say something like your mother did, and I made my cheeks go up in a really fake smile (people can hear a smile over the phone) and say, Wow, my goodness that should really be a nice evening, what restaurant are you going to?

and it would be killing me inside.

I refused to give her the pleasure of knowing she'd cut me to the quick.

And sooner than later... . it got where it didn't matter.

You make the motions enough, mouthing words that you wish your heart felt... . it can actually take root.

She gave me lots of practice back before the NC.

[sickandtired2]

Your right lucy, we tend to smile through the hurtful comments.  I did wish them a good time, also.  Thank you for your response.  Any bit of support helps.

[Sitara]

I started ignoring their anniversary because all my mom would do was complain about my dad and talk about how she'd like to be divorced but she put too much work in to make him the successful man he is today so she is owed to live in comfort provided by him.  Really, you expect me to send you a lovey congrats on being married so long when this is how you feel?

I guess maybe she thought that I could have said "oh can we join you"  but the way I see it... . if she wants to repair anything she should have offered.  Instead she said it just to rub it in and stick it to me.  I told my sister that I was really hurt by this.  Am I being too sensitive or do you think I am just in tune to her cruel games?

If it were my mom, that's exactly what she would have wanted - for me to ask to come. I'm not sure her motivation, but she wants me to ask for things that she's not willing to just up and offer.  For example, she had money saved for my wedding, but wasn't going to offer to pay - she made me ask. I don't know if it's a way for them to feel needed. But it does feel like rubbing in and it is hurtful and no you are not being too sensitive - she was being insensitive.

[Eureka1]

I am sorry that happened to you.  It seems like your mother was gloating and saying something like look what you are missing.  We are going to have a good time even without you.

I know how that can cut you down to the quick.

The amazing thing about BPD is that they can make us feel that we are the problem, it is our fault, that our recollections are skewed.  Not only do we get emotional abuse, we get psychological turmoil.

It is important to keep our "walls up" and not let them know that we are hurt or sad because in my experience, they will use it to their advantage.

[sickandtired2]

Hi Sitara.  The way you describe it, a sympathy card may have been more appropriate for your mother's anniversary.  I don't have the heart to discuss a get together in front of coworkers without inviting anyone who has not been included.  I guess the reason I'm hurt is because every holiday, birthday, football game etc. has been hosted by my husband and I, at our house.  When I have been deemed no longer valuable and they don't want to see or speak to me again,  she goes out of her way to tell me how they will be going out together without us.  And might I add... . she sugar coated it by saying she is going stir crazy and will be hanging by the chandeliers because she is so happy to be out.  She has been out with Dad already.  I guess, by her wishes, I will be trying NC again.  It kind of feels peaceful in my head.

Eureka... . you are soo right.  She has a way of making me feel like I am the problem and I start to believe the last words that Dad screamed at me on Christmas Eve... . "You are sick and F'ed up in the head.  Get help."

[StarStruck]

O blimey - this sounds like the sort of thing that would happen to me. It's underlying game playing but at the time you can't believe it - it leaves you confused and hurt.

IT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOU. Frankly - you are onto her. The mind games are the blimin worst, she may not have actually thought, that will be nasty i'll do that but it comes so naturally cause she's trying to defend (as if she needs to?) her ego. Even though she'll be cause of the problems in the first place. She wanted to see your reaction, see if you were hurt to prop up her flagging self esteem.

They really pee me off, its cruel and shows NO empathy. When mine used to do stuff like that I started to think she was getting narcissistic supply of me. It leaves you drained and depressed.

You're getting wise to it, learn more and more about the motives of them.  

PS What Eureka says also describes my position with my mom