Mixed Signals

[ScathednConfused]

  For those who have not read my story, I met my wife when we were 16, we dated for four years and then married. Just shy of our 24th anniversary she announced that she was leaving and tired of trying to deal with me. I had noticed there was trouble in the marriage for a long time and in the last six months I had finally talked her into counseling.

  During her sessions she told the therapist that she was planning on divorcing me because she just wanted to have sex, she had forbid intimate contact of any kind  (barring special occasions) for a year, no touching (hugs, pats, hand holding) for five years prior, and any contact could only happen in the bedroom at night so long as she was in the mood.

  She and the therapist approached me in a couples session to address the "subservient sex slave" position that I had forced her into. Her claim was that I raped her on a daily basis for over 15 years and in order to "heal" from that we would all agree that there was to be no sex until such time as she was better.

  After her announcement she told me that I could have all my stuff if I just left and gave her the house. For a couple of days I actually considered that it was a fair offer. Thankfully I have a very loving family and my sisters and mother stepped up and told me that I would be foolish to accept an offer like that.

  Over the next month she began to bargain and squirrel items from the house away in a storage unit, and she had been syphoning money from our joint account into one she had absolute control over for just over a year. She moved out one day while I was at school, taking what she wanted and "generously" leaving me what she didn't. I later found that she charged some new furniture to my credit card before she even had a new place.

  A co-worker told me that she had been planning on "destroying" me--and was lining up my replacement--for at least five years, which was the last time they had spoken. When we entered counseling I thought she was real and that we were making an honest effort to save our family (we have three children over 18).

  After she left we spent three months of partial NC, I would send an email to notify her of bills that had arrived for her to which I would get no response.

  One day I noticed that $5200.00 had been charged from my account to an attorney. When she left I demanded all credit/debit cards to any accounts that we held, I was told that they were all destroyed. I filed a fraud claim and began to take a more aggressive effort to remove her name from everything that had my name on it. The fraud department said that a card issued to her had been used and that the attorney had also verified her identity. I had received new cards the same week she left, and after looking noticed that one was missing.

  With my giving spirit now dashed, I decided it was in my best interest to repossess the vehicle she was driving as it was in my name and she was not covered on the insurance. A week later I decided to break NC and again email her, I asked her for the return of my keys, several days later I get an email back stating that she did not wish to have any communications with me and that all inquiries were to be directed to her attorney; I sent her attorney an email with the same request.

  Two weeks later I get an email from him telling me that they had filed a complaint for divorce and I was under court order not to sell anything of hers--no mention of my request. I forward his email to my attorney and forget about it.

  Last night (almost two weeks post attorney letter) I get an email from her, she wants to meet in a public place so that she can give me a list of items she intends on taking from the house. She doesn't want to fight about anything, just to take what is "rightfully" hers. What the heck? How can she demand I speak only to her attorney and then expect me to meet her and allow her to take items that she deems hers? Did I mention that she is telling everyone that I am unstable and that she fears for her life, or that my replacement bought her a gun to carry to protect her from me?

  Part of me wants to meet with her and ask what the heck is going on, the other part is screaming to "STAY AWAY!" 

  It was these mixed signals that drove me nuts throughout our marriage.

SC

[ForeverDad]

During her sessions she told the therapist that she was planning on divorcing me because she just wanted to have sex, she had forbid intimate contact of any kind  (barring special occasions) for a year, no touching (hugs, pats, hand holding) for five years prior, and any contact could only happen in the bedroom at night so long as she was in the mood.

This is very similar to what my ex did in our final years.  The closer to the end, the less the touching and more the rejection.  She played a cat and mouse game, carrot and stick, or more accurately... . bait and switch.

Be aware that blaming and blame shifting is typical when dealing with pwBPD.

Part of me wants to meet with her and ask what the heck is going on, the other part is screaming to "STAY AWAY!"

It was these mixed signals that drove me nuts throughout our marriage.

And what evidence that she won't continue sending mixed signals?   Frankly, if you could expect her to give you an honest and straight answer then the separation and divorce case would have happened very differently and likely not at all.  But she is living her inconsistent moods, emotions and feelings of the moment.  Sadly, the trust is gone.

General consensus is it's best to keep your distance and avoid any private encounters.  The poor behaviors and subsequent allegations are more likely with private encounters.  Ask your lawyer about meeting with her, but if you get the okay, don't go alone.  You need to document that you're not abusive or causing an incident.  Me?  If I did that I'd also record myself as additional backup.  My ex made numerous allegations against me.  Of course, I had a young child and you don't so custody may not be an issue with you.  It sounds like it's all about assets and debts.

What do your children think about all this?

[ScathednConfused]

Hi ForeverDad, thanks for the response. I was on the road to thinking I was the only one to have been emotionally cut off while they screamed for attention (just not from me). It was very much a bait and switch in my eyes as well, I would get to the point of leaving and she would dangle the carrot and make some promises, just enough so I would feel hope again--then nothing changed.

I think I will heed the general consensus, that it best to err on the side of caution and not entertain any kind of get-together, and leave it for the attorneys to discuss. It is all about assets and debts right now, although some of the things she is after are report cards from the kids first years in school, projects they made in elementary, letters they wrote, etc. Items that would require her to sift through everything again and decide what she wanted. She went through the entire house over the course of a month, taking what she wanted and "graciously" leaving me the rest.

The kids are confused I am certain, the two younger boys (18/20) are away at college and do not like to talk about it. The oldest, girl (23), is BFFs with her mother and will regularly bash my good name together. I have started reading a book called Divorce Poison in an effort to gain techniques to combat this brainwashing but it is a slow process.

My daughter had taken on the behaviors that were all to prevalent in the marriage, "I" hurt her feelings and "I" need to apologise and "I" am letting my ego blind me to my own faults. I even hear her mother's words coming out of her mouth, it sickens me to no end.

My kids are hostages in this war, she left claiming we would be best friends and that our separation would be amicable and that when things settled down we would talk about a disillusion... . Lies, every bit of it.

SC

[maxen]

hi again scathed. i agree that all communication should go through lawyers now - not just yours to her, as she "demands", but hers to you too. i realize, from experience, how powerful the pull can be to get some answers, but you must try to realize that you're going to get no better answers than you've gotten, if you call them answers at all. that's the disease. she can't do any differently, she doesn't have the emotional development. and just on general principles you might want to get a voice recorder (as foreverdad suggests) so that if ever you do find yourself alone with her you can record it.

"I" hurt her feelings and "I" need to apologise and "I" am letting my ego blind me to my own faults.

oh oh god, did i hear that sort of talk.