I could never do the right thing

[Kevin_D]

A few examples:

- She often told me that she didn't want to be the one who makes all the decisions, but yet almost every time I suggested an activity, it was voted down. If I tried to convince by saying "Come, it will be fun" she would always get angry and talk about how "I don't respect her wishes". When I let her decide, she could complain that I was indecisive and that my lack of self esteem is becoming a problem.

- She often told me that her friends thought that I didn't like them. But everytime I tried to bond with them, she would interfere, in a way or another. One time, she was having a birthday party. She had been planning this for months and fell behind at the university because of it. I told her "Let me help you, it will be fun to do this together and your friends will see that I care about them".  I offered to make pizza sandwiches as a late night snack, because I'm really good at that. That way, she would have more time to hang out with her friends. She absolutely loved the idea. A few days later she wrote "I just had an idea. I will make you pizza sandwiches!" on the event page on Facebook. When I asked her about this, she told me that I was unreliable so she had to be in charge.

This happened all the time. I would tell or show her something and she would always present this as her own thoughts or discoveries. She wanted me to have a better relation with her friends, but everytime I tried to do something funny or nice, she would take credit for it.

- She could complain about my lack of self confidence and tell me that my negative attitude was ruining the relationship. I love playing music, but since I met her, I've become more insecure about performing. She would tell me how stupid I was for not believing in myself. But if I even mentioned the word "concert", she would freak out and go on about how I just want to impress other women. If I sent her a new song, she usually wouldn't even listen to it (even though she always pretended that she did). If I performed in front of my friends, she would complain that I never did those things with her, but yet she never wanted me to play in front of her friends. The only time she was interested was when she got to pick the songs and do the singing.

***

I realise that it was like this all the time. One moment, she would complain that I was to lazy and that she needed to do things. But as soon as I suggested that we should do something, she felt pressured. It was like I could never do the right thing. If she wanted me to become more confident, why didn't she ever give me credit for anything? And during the times that I was confident, she was so scared that I would leave her that she started to cry.

It's like one part of her is attracted to strong, decisive, confident men. The other part is a frightened child with extreme abandonment issues. These parts don't mix very well.

[Kifazes]

I really can relate to your post.

One of the examples that came to mind was this:

When he was dysregulating or down, he always would ask me to leave him alone. When I didn't, he would rage at me, that he needed time and space and told me that already so many times, that I did not listen to him etc.

But, when I started to leave him alone in these moments, I was not caring, didn't love him, couldn't even be there for him.

It was truly exhausting... .

[Cumulus]

Hi Kevin, what an unthankful circumstance to be in. It is similar in my mind to the circular conversations that happen. Nothing gets resolved, issues are changed and manipulated so that you can never take care of one thing before three more need to be addressed. It wears you out, the constant need to try and understand. It is like building your house on shifting sand yet more importantly you are trying to build a life on this same unstable foundation.

Be there for yourself, validate what you know, that you are a kind, imaginative, giving, talented and unique human being.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Kevin, Your post reminds me of what I refer to as the "paradox" of BPD.  For example:

Those w/BPD want love, yet behave in unloving fashion towards others;

They have a fear of abandonment, yet push away those who care;

They seek stability, yet are compelled to create chaos and upheaval;

They want deep social connections, yet get into conflicts with anyone close to them.

I'm sure you could add to this list!

Lucky Jim

[mitchell16]

I can relate to this post. and based on my experience it never gets better with them. It only gets worse until you leave them and then that is your fault to.

with mine, if I wanted sex she complained that all i cared about, when I backed off she accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. If I wanted to spend time with her I was smothering her. So when I backed off and started making plans on my own, I wasnt into her as much according to her. If I cleaned the house I never did it right. At times it was funny because she would inspect anything I did and find one flaw in her mind to ridicule it. I got to were I knew what she was going to do before she did. She also told her friends I didnt like them. I didnt know it until she told me one day that her friend didnt think I liked her. So when I was infront of her friend I brought it up. Lo and behold her friend turned her and said I only thought he didnt like me cause thats what my exgf told her. I never understood what purpose this served. But She was the cause. If I was cleaning she complianed and If I didnt cleaned she accused me of me of being lazy.

what I found Is not matter what, you can never win, never come out ahead and you can never do enough for them. It is sad that they live like this in their minds. I wish mine would get help but i dont see that happening. BUt what is hard on me is, I work close with mine and I see her at work and she function so well and its very nice to her employees.