Accumulation of damage to the heart vs. an affair

[Horizons]

My uBPDh has been raging at me for years over a variety of things. Some big like his own daughter's BPD and some small like too many cereal boxes in our cupboard. During a very long, dark place of his dysregulation I had an affair. Me. Not my husband. It was amazing to be with someone who validated my feelings again and valued my input. I ended it after 3 months. I can't be two people like that. I eventually told my husband (who resents me for everything anyway... . why not add this to the mix) and his first reaction was to forgive me. He understood the role he played.

We have been seeing an awesome couples therapist (we have 2 kids 5 & 8 together) and are making a lot of progress. The problem is about every 3-4 weeks he still becomes completely unhinged and slings terrible words at me for previous (often perceived) wrongs I have done. A couple days later he will come back telling me he loves me and it is worth it to make it work.

I want to make is work - but I also want to know how I am supposed to stuff the feelings of betrayal from his hurtful words away and forget them? The affair was not a good thing to do - I understand that - but I really can't conceive a marriage where I am supposed to be a figurative punching bag every month or so and then slough it off. I want to see if there is a way to get him on some medication to regulate his moods (he physically changes when he dysregulates... . it's wild to watch). I don't have the heart to tell him he is BPD like his daughter though. It would devastate him. We are using the book "High Conflict Couples" which I highly recommend. It's great... . as long as he is practicing mindfulness but when he steps away from it (and I've been used to it) it's like falling further down a giant hole and takes me longer to get up each time.

Sigh... .

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

It has been my absolute experience dealing with BPD that knowledge and understanding are everything. BPD is considered hereditary, where does your husband believe his daughter developed this from. There are openings for suggestions that could be used to try and get your husband to move forward with diagnosis and help. Without this same path I don't think my wife and I could have ever even imagined remaining in a relationship, let alone going forward as well as we have.

I suppose sheltering or trying to protect him from his own problems may be an easier route in your mind but the question remains when it leaves so many possibilities unexplored; Is it the best route?

He is apparently an exceptional man, given your circumstances, but you must already know that after the past you've shared and he still embracess. That isn't easy for any man to handle and move forward with. He deserves his credit for actually being quite strong to manage that regardless of the percieved reasons. Does he have the same strength and determination to support himself? Might just surprize you.

Best of luck with whatever your decision is.

[elemental]

tbh, you talk about betrayal from him because he is upset and venting at you, saying hurtful things. Then you admit to an affair.

Aside from BPD... . an affair is one of the most devastating betrayals you can inflict on your partner.  

You are really surprised that he is so disregulated now?

It comes down to you. We can't fix them. We fix ourselves.

Tell us about how you are reacting. What happens when he disregulates and "rants"? What is your response, other than having an affair,  and focusing on him to him as he is the problem?

Did you read the lessons to the right of this page?

[Horizons]

I know how devastating an affair can be. Absolutely. It did happen though... . nothing I can do to change it. We are both working on the marriage. I am trying to come to grips with the emotional limitations of my husband. I need to resign to the fact that he will never be "for me" and the things that I enjoy. We've got an excellent therapist. My uBPDh was just referred to a Psychiatrist because he is finally realizing that he only rages at me and absolutely cannot control his own emotions toward me. Our marriage counselor has seen him become unhinged in appointments and seen him at his best behavior but told me it won't do good to tell him he suspects BPD. He thinks that would devastate him and his fragile ego and make things worse. I agree. I really am trying to decide how many more relationship roller coasters I can take a ride on. I do practice the steps from the box to the right. They do work but when things fall apart it's a longer, deeper fall each time. He is working on whether or not he'll be able to get over the fact that I told him about the affair. If he can't we'll have to end our marriage. Or... . if he can't decide and let's that ruminate in him and create a ton of negative energy I will need to decide to leave. Either way it's hard. BTW... . he's not more dysregualted now than before the affair... . it's been a constant cycle for 9 years. Different actors but the same play. Over and over again. Everything stemming from something to do with me/about me - some real or perceived wrong I committed toward him. Small, big, doesn't matter. It still gets the attention.

[elemental]

Well tbh, you got yourself into a extremely difficult position by having the affair. Usually the person who had the affair has to do a lot of reassuring, handholding, and hearing loads of questions, see a lot of disregulation anyway, until their partner can stabilize and decide if they want to end the relationship or move forward with reconciliation. You also have those two choices.

You say you have been a target for years. Being in the hotseat already, and now this... it would be hard to separate the past from the present and take it for the team. Typically a lot of people who have affairs are already resentful and upset, so it can feel like you are dammed it you do and dammed if you don't.

It's a full platter of troubles you are having to sort through. One thing that may really help is to really enforce that boundry about him abusing you. That is, gently reinforce to him that you are there to support him, but that you cannot ( boundry) continue the disscussion when he becomes abusive. If you really DO stay and support him and validate and reassure when he doesn't abuse you , but is upset/crying/questioning and really DO excuse yourself, after stating the boundry and asking to speak again later when he is calm and can talk... . then it is very possible he will be respectful to you instead of abusive.

From the other side, I have been the person betrayed by my boyfriend many times. It is really almost impossible to stay calm and respectful to a person who just disrespected your whole life world view and now has scared the heck out of you and you don't know what really happened, what to expect or if it will suddenly happen again. When people's view of themselves as being in a safe enviroment that is predictable is torn away, they often enormous anger at the instigating factor.

And that includes the average person being challenged over religion, politics, how they believe their life IS essentially.

Be strong, post often. We are here to help you   

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and  , Horizons

You are already doing good stuff--the high conflict couple book is a good one, for both of you.

You also learned that the affair wasn't the solution for you... . and that it represented something you needed to work on, or you wouldn't have ever done it.

I've got a couple comments for you here:

how I am supposed to stuff the feelings of betrayal from his hurtful words away and forget them?

Quick answer: You aren't supposed to stuff those feelings. Your best move is to set a boundary, then enforce it. Leave the conversation immediately when he starts this--you can't stop him from saying such things, but you don't have to stick around and listen to them.

We can help you out with more details on how to manage this and make it stick--most of us have been through it.

I don't have the heart to tell him he is BPD like his daughter though. It would devastate him.

Probably true. I'd also note that many here have tried telling a partner that they had BPD, and often had err... . less than productive results   It is much safer to let him figure it out himself... . or not figure it out at all. Especially if he is doing exercises like the high conflict couple already, without being diagnosed.

Stick around and keep posting here--this community can really help you!

 GK

[mleigh7]

i completely understand what you're going through. I too had an internet affair 5 years ago when my BPDh and i were just engaged. I am not proud of it and regret it deeply. It was also at a time where i was getting constantly verbally abused and controlled  by him and it was nice to be treated with respect and kindness by someone. It was wrong though and shouldn't have happened.  He still accuses me of cheating all the time. 5 Years later. It happened again this morning and he made me late to work refusing to let me leave until i told him the truth. I am telling him the truth. I have not had any inappropriate relationships with anyone since that happened 5 uyears ago. And to top it off HE is the compulsive liar. He finally just admitted after months and months of ME begging him to tell me the truth that he lied to me and everyone and was never student teaching when he said he was. He went there every day supposedly for months and never actually got accepted to student teach. This is the dozenth time hes told huge months-lasting lies that i and everyone wanted to believe.  He said i gave him PTSD from this and i believe i did. But does that make it ok for him to abuse and control me and verbally beat me up because of what i did 5 years ago? And what about the PTSD i have from 8 years of this? Im so broken inside from all of this. I completely feel your pain and it's good to not feel alone

[an0ught]

Welcome Horizons,

for taking the plunge and the trust you extend to us. Not easy to be open about mistakes in your past and it speaks loudly of the guts you have.

I want to make is work - but I also want to know how I am supposed to stuff the feelings of betrayal from his hurtful words away and forget them? The affair was not a good thing to do - I understand that - but I really can't conceive a marriage where I am supposed to be a figurative punching bag every month or so and then slough it off.

You can't make it work for him. Never. Only he can make it work for himself.

Quick answer: You aren't supposed to stuff those feelings. Your best move is to set a boundary, then enforce it. Leave the conversation immediately when he starts this--you can't stop him from saying such things, but you don't have to stick around and listen to them.

Indeed. The way to deal with abuse is with boundaries.

I want to make is work.[... . ]

I do practice the steps from the box to the right. [... . ]

We are using the book "High Conflict Couples" which I highly recommend. It's great... . as long as he is practicing mindfulness but when he steps away from it (and I've been used to it) it's like falling further down a giant hole and takes me longer to get up each time.

Here lies the problem. Don't get me wrong - High Conflict Couple is a fantastic resource and you both working through it is a big factor of you getting along quite well. You were able to get marriage counseling to work - unusual - most pwBPD relationship struggle as that can be quite invalidating at first. On the validation side it is all good but... .

... . the boundary side of the picture is totally missing. Your relationship is typical for members that have focused on validation only. At one time they plateau out. The general emotional temperature in the relationship has come down a lot and is possibly healthier than in a lot of "normal" relationships. But there is still rage in the relationship while the pwBPD outside the relationship is able to regulate and manage sufficiently to not rage. Then it is simply a matter that it is too easy to rage at home. Insight unfortunately does not help and boundaries need to be set up and confidence in them holding must be won in the usual and painful way. No shortcuts there. Considering the abandonment fear angle with him you may want to review validation of abandonment and how to take a timeout before getting into boundaries.

Above were my key points. Here more food for thought:

- When dysregulated a pwBPD will instinctively choose words that are close to their pain but also words that are known to have a major impact. He is bringing up the affair because he wants to hurt you in that moment. Not being there usually is the best option. It limits damage on your side. It takes away the weapon on his side and forces him to learn to regulate. Staying around does stall his progress to a degree.

- He is staying. He is struggling with your past. But he is staying at this point in time. Do words speak louder than actions? What are you holding out for - perfection?

- Have you forgiven yourself? You made a mistake with the affair. You burdened him with the knowledge (boundaries?). He is at times in pain. Watching that is not easy as it reminds you of actions you regret. Still you need to move on. The fact that his words hurt you so much may be an indication that you yourself struggle with your past.

- While much pain was brought on by your actions (and his also) you have invested a lot of love and energy to make the situation better. He has benefited from it, his D has benefited from it and you are a positive factor in their life. Can you close the chapter from your side? Accept that he may well need much more or infinite time and it is not under your control and waiting for it only puts you on the edge?

[Horizons]

Ahhh... . such nice words from you all. It's really helpful just to know there is strength out there in various forms. It's slightly comforting knowing some of you know exactly what I'm going through. Truth be told, I wish this could be a board about our common love for knitting or something instead! (sarcasm... . )

I am thankful that my uBPDh is going to his own therapist starting next week. I know he really does want things to work. Thinking about my own reluctance to forgive myself for the affair... . hmmm... . that's a good one. When I look back at everything, I felt as though (for years) he didn't understand just how much I was hurt. When my affair partner came along it was so easy to fall for him. So easy. I could have kept the whole thing a secret. It was over and my husband didn't find out. We were also in a really crappy place in our marriage. I'm sure that a bigger part of me than I want to admit told him about the affair (it was in a heated discussion) because I wanted him to know that I had betrayed him because I had been in so much pain dished out by him over the years. Everything in the marriage had been a "tit for a tat" and I imagine that my telling him was one way to "win" that battle finally.

Ugh. None of it is fun.

I will continue to make the best of it and to work on it with him. I really don't feel so much like a hostage waiting to be released from the marriage but know that I am in control of only me. My therapist giggles a bit when I mention he talks about leaving. She knows full well he would NEVER leave me... . he'll just push me far enough so I might make the decision to leave. Guess I'm obviously too "resilient" for that!

I am getting really good at boundaries. Yoga has been a savior for me... . love the mind vacation! Namaste!