14 year old sibling of DD16 is spiraling after 3 years...

[Googie]

Good morning, early morning that is to everyone.

Another sleepless night for me.  I am dealing with what I never thought I would ever see in my existence.  The youngest of my girls now 14, has over the last year expressed her feelings to myself and my fiance regarding her resentment to having to always be on the back burner when her now 16DS was off the hook.

My heart is broken.  I know I tried to support her in every way I knew how, but the damage is there and is an issue that my 14D is not ready to let go of.  I'm ready for her to let it go, but she's got a strong hold of her anger and is making it known to everyone in the house that she is hurting.

I've tried taking her out and spending time with her... . no.  Tried offering her options as to get a handle on her feelings and be able to let them go... . no, I'm not like her, is her response.

I've been lenient when she steps out of line, I've eased her responsibilities in our home  and she says, so?  She is disrespectful and hurtful. She is constantly pointing out how she is treated differently than her siblings and she's tired of it.  She's sneaky and lies all the time now.  I've had to look through her room and bookbag for any clue as to what is going on with her.  Found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter but nothing other than that.  She's bragging that she enjoys getting high, cutting school, and hanging out with ghetto kids (whatever that means).  She's picking up her friends accent and now speaks using words that mean nothing to me while her friends are over and they will all laugh so I know its not good.

She had a therapist a while back and was not engaging in her sessions.  I am waiting for a call to find out if I got a job that I have been hoping to land, so if I do get it, I will have even less time to help take her appointments and spend time with her.

I readjusted our house rules and eased up on her chores and delegated some things among the older kids they can do on their own.  I added no sleeping for hours when you come home from school, we're going to write down some topics of discussion and everyday if there's nothing to fill me in on then we'll pull a topic and discuss it.

There's no communication, absolute anger and sadness, and she is hurting herself in ways she doesn't understand or at this point care.

What do I do?  My DD16 is in an IAFT program about an hour away, my 8 year old is at home as well as my 23 year old son who is a Marine.  My 11 year relationship is basically over, I'm detached from my emotions and don't like it that I am.  I had a recent financial cut to our monthly income that has completely thrown me through a loop, and a ridiculously high deductible in order to be able to seek professional help.  I go to Alanon which is awesome support however, I need someone who has walked in my shoes to throw out suggestions as to what I can within my house as though I have no other place to be.

So my DD16 who was deemed unreachable just a year ago is kicking butt and doing great and meeting all of her goals.  So we have one do a 180 in the right direction that has a dx and is in therapy and has been for 12-13 years now.  Then we have another child who did the complete opposite at the same time and I am clueless how to approach her and how to live in this house without losing it.  Like I said, 11 years about to go down the drain and I have absolutely nothing.  I took care of my kids because they needed me, especially my 16DD.  I have no idea where she would be if I did not have that option like so many other families.

I'm tired and am in desperate need of guidance.

Googie

[lucyhoneychurch]

My heart's just really full and sad for you, reading your thoughts.  What a ghastly turn of events when you've gotten your one daughter to such a good healthy point in her life, I'm so sorry.

You say your 11-yr-relationship is over, with your fiance - how might he still be able to help or is she also very shutdown with him (your 14yr-old)?

Parenting under any circumstances is a harsh reality for so many of us, and you've now got financial concerns on top of your girl's behaviors.

Having floated in similar waters some years back, all I can suggest is that you start taking your control back. She has friends over who say things with her and laugh at you? she's done having friends over.  I'd be taking her cell phone away too - for all kinds of reasons - too many ways for these types to involve her in drug or illegal activities using it.

When she finally turns on you about being so hard on her, at 14, you tell her, 'I'm your mother, not your friend, there are responsibilities I have to recognize and maintain."

If she threatens to run away, call a cop or deputy. I did, and it made my child really chill. 

They are familiar with things like this going on with a girl like her, that haven't crossed any lines yet as far as they are concerned, and will really step up and help her understand, "This is your mother, you will do as she says until you are 18 years old."

I saw a significant shift in mine after that discussion with one of our really wonderful public safety officers. They are usually family people too and get how hard this life can be.

She can't use her sister's former history as an excuse to keep abusing you.

During my recent divorce, my youngest decided it was okay to spout off at me, even hit me. We were living in a really rotten hell here over and over each week. That child now lives with the ex.

You are being abused.

Even at her age, she knows she is being harmful and cruel.

If you have a Marine son living with you, let him shoulder some of this, too, I am sure he wants to help if he is part of your household - let me put it like this, he WILL help since he is part of the household - with your 8-yr-old, the 14-year-old etc... .

She is hurting, I had that here too with my youngest with what we went through as our family fell apart. We were ALL hurting.

That is no reason for abuse.

I want to warn you as well, if she's almost bragging about the types of creeps she's hanging around with, and they are in your home, you are going to experience things being stolen or any and all kinds of crap happening. The last thing you need is that type inside your "castle."

Take it back.

It's your domain. That was how I finally resolved the fact my youngest would go live with the father.  I was being abused in my own home.

I'm angry for you. You be angry for yourself, too, and it will strengthen you to really stop being soft on this child.

She is hurting, yes, but she is waging war on you. That is wrong, flat out wrong, and you need to get back on your feet mentally and say HELL NO you are not doing this to me.

If you keep letting her slide, she might fall into patterns that are even worse than those she's living by now.

She has to know you mean NO and you will back it up.

Mine didn't until mine moved out (I am not trying to say  yours should move out, but yours needs definite consequences to hurting her own mother).

That child now calls me every day, asking how I am, polite, respectful.

My no finally came through.

You have the world coming down on your shoulders. That's when we have to be at our strongest just when we feel the weakest.

Fight back. She will need you to be the fighter for her integrity and welfare since she's decided it's okay to act like this.

No means no. Concrete results of acting abusive.

I so don't want to bear down on you, she's going to resist your efforts to overcome her abuse. But you still HAVE to do it.

This is when there is no guidebook except - what will help my child most? I'd say right now for her it's totally overriding her crap, not bullying her back, but not taking one more iota of her stuff.

It's what I did, and I was about as wiped out mentally and physically and fearful of money stuff as you are describing. My adult kids gone, not here to help... .

I cried oceans.

This can be redeemed but you have so much hard work ahead.

I want to tell you again how sorry I am.

You don't deserve what she's doing. Neither did I.

Help her stop by restraining the freedom to be abusive.

I don't know if I said one thing helpful, I tried to approach it witih what I've been through last couple of years and how I handle that stuff to start with.

Keep posting I will look for your thoughts.

[Googie]

loved what your wrote lucyhoneychurch,

I already spoke to our local police department to find out what options I have so I'm good on that.

She's grounded indefinitely and can earn back the ability to have one friend over that I choose for her.

Her phone is gone and her friend's phone that she was sneaking onto is in my possession as well waiting on info as to who should I contact to return it because to be sure she was not getting it back in her possession.

The resource officer was helpful and is going to kind of sniff around to see whats she up to but from what her friends that shes had for years and no longer associates with... .   it's nothing good.

I hope that whatever she is up to that she get caught and has to answer to someone other than me.  maybe something will click and she'll see her behavior and attitude is unacceptable and unwarranted.

My 11 year relationship has been questionable for quite some time now.  People can only do what they know. This has been difficult for everyone however, I find myself standing alone as well as expected to keep up the house and everything that goes with having a large family as though there is nothing extraordinary occurring within our home.  I've stopped expecting support and seek it from my friends over the phone since I very rarely go anywhere when things are so unstable.

We have discussed this before and I am more or less going to have to do it without any help and very little money at they same time I'm waiting on an answer about a job and if that falls through, do it all over again.

I don't have a car that works.  One car destroyed when my DD16 daughter decided to try and get me to go off the road and then broke the inside of the car, well, anything that she could like the window and kicked the dashboard hard enough that now the electrical is an issue.  My daughters car is about ready to give out, already overheated and had to leave it and call for a ride.

My "fiance" have 3 vehicles as of now.  i was driving one and then he sold it.  The guy pulled out of the dealk exactly when they were supposed to meert up at the credit union.  I found out the day before he was planning to sell it and I have two appointments 60 miles away next week for my 16DD.  His other car he took to his parents house yesterday to keep there, and he bought a brand new jeep that required a loan when he tells me how he's drowning while I am not contributing over the last 4 months.

I might be paranoid and think that he was acting purposeful to make his vehicles off limits, but it feels like it and all my friends have been very upset when I explained that I don't have any way to get out to see them or have the ability to get up and go if I needed to.

I'm just overwhelmed by how everything has unfolded and am very sad that I am not getting the support I need, if anything, opportunities seem to be made to disappear which just takes my breath away.  I must have crossed the line or the kids but this is very difficult and feels like a slap in the face.  My 14DD, 16DD in the past, and myt 18DD all have gave me something to contend with, but my 23S isn;'t around when we're home, he's 3rd shift and my relationship is more or less nonexistant.  That leaves my 8S who is caught in the middle and is upset and confused like I am.

I don't feel sorry for myself at all, I have awesome skills that have helped tremendously, but it';s the disappointment I feel about not caring enough to just come along side of me.  Just be there.  Thats all I would have needed all this time.  Mental illness has broken my family after over 12-13 years of nothing but dedication and hard work by some of us.  I feel so stuck with no options at the moment.

Sorry for the rant.

Googie

[lucyhoneychurch]

Sometimes as every constructive move we attempt to make is counteracted by some sort of crappy terrible shift either by the universe or someone we are expecting to help us - shifting sands that threaten our fairly shaky core all the more.

I'm so sorry that those who should be backing you up (like this fiance) are letting you fall flat.

I so hear you about feeling so very much alone. The last three years of my life and even back four or five before that, but these last three in particular - I truly question how much I matter to those who matter to me.

Stuck with no options - god, that is all too familiar.

My response can only be - and not to sound trite, but it's proven true so many times for me... . darkest before the dawn.

You have made some awesome moves to address these little creeps your 14yo was spending time with and I am very glad to hear you have this resource officer for guidance and support.

If you are anything like me, you have multiple times in your past that you felt were every bit this dark *and they were* and yet here we are, you and I, total strangers paddling the same canoe upstream without a paddle pretty much.  We survived insane stuff before, we can do this too.

But doesn't it get SO f'in' old?  :'(

You're the emotional workhorse that has kept so many things together.

I know that role awfully well too.

And the ol' workhorse so often just wants to lay down and sleep for a long long time.

I'm so sorry you are alone in this fight.

I have a lovely little friend who's fought similar battles and she's from Down Under and she always writes me when I am having prob's... . "Chin chin."  It's a gentle motherly reminder just to keep trying.

Chin chin.