Got Weak

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ugh, I got weak.  I unblocked him on FB.  He publicly posted pics of him and my replacement and my kids... . 5 days after he left my house.  I am physically ill right now.  I know it was a mistake, I know I shouldn't have done it.  But, I also think it may be a blessing... . my anger was leaving and I was getting weak.  My anger is back. 

To see all his friends, friends who knew we were trying our marriage again... . to see them all comment about how lovely pics they are and how good everyone looks together... . Ahhhhhhhh.  He kept me alienated from his friends for our entire marriage.  I know they all mean nothing to me, I know they are NOT MY friends, but, this is a small town.  He has done a masterful job at smearing me... . masterful!

Feeling sick, sick and weak, and broken :'(

[NyGirl8]

Ugh, I got weak.  I unblocked him on FB.  He publicly posted pics of him and my replacement and my kids... . 5 days after he left my house.  I am physically ill right now.  I know it was a mistake, I know I shouldn't have done it.  But, I also think it may be a blessing... . my anger was leaving and I was getting weak.  My anger is back. 

To see all his friends, friends who knew we were trying our marriage again... . to see them all comment about how lovely pics they are and how good everyone looks together... . Ahhhhhhhh.  He kept me alienated from his friends for our entire marriage.  I know they all mean nothing to me, I know they are NOT MY friends, but, this is a small town.  He has done a masterful job at smearing me... . masterful!

Feeling sick, sick and weak, and broken :'(

[arn131arn]

Nygirl, I know how you feel. My ex did the same to me with al of her friends. The Triangulation was terrible. Horrible. Smearing me to anyone and everyone, including our lawn guy! She needed our lawn guy to give her relationship advice bc I was abusive. Sometimes I think that I have the personality disorder, then I read a post like this that reminds me of so many of the negative symptoms, and I see the truth. Thanks for helping me see that again today. So, we are both in the same lifeboat, hurting, and down. You helped me see truth in this difficult day, and I am grateful for that. I know I didn't help you with a deep understanding or answer, but you helped me. Be grateful you have that qUaLity in yourself, something he never will be able to do.

[seeking balance]

  I am physically ill right now.  I know it was a mistake, I know I shouldn't have done it.  But, I also think it may be a blessing... . my anger was leaving and I was getting weak.  My anger is back. 

It's ok NYGirl - we have all done a version of this one last time... . be kind to yourself. 

What can you do to feel better?  Dinner with a trusted friend, kickboxing class, hot bath or pedicure?  Be gentle with you and take care of you right now.

Peace,

SB

[NyGirl8]

arn131arn:  Thanks and you actually did help:-)  In such a wonderful way.  Reminding me of my goodness:-)  Ugh, I am sorry you are down and sorry you are in the same boat.  But, a lil' glad to have company.  Funny how I have felt the same, feeling like I am the disordered one... . glad I could help you see that it isn't you... . but this horrible disorder.

SB:  Thanks for the understanding.  I am incredibly hard on myself and really think I should be much further along than I am.  After the 4th recycle, I just thought that this time I would breathe through it.    I think some quality time with my amazing girls is what is in order.  Their goodness soothes me:-)  Thanks again!

[LettingGo14]

He has done a masterful job at smearing me... . masterful!

Feeling sick, sick and weak, and broken :'(

Hi NYGirl8.  I am glad you are posting here, b/c I have been in the same boat many times.   In fact, I went back today and calculated that I spent about 1,500 days in my relationship/recycle with my xBPDgf, just over four years.   I think I might classify my "sick, sick and weak, and broken" days at about 600 days (or 40%) of that time.  The other 60% were either great or only so-so.   

I found this board one week ago.   And I made the decision to be on the detaching board.   I can't waste another 40% of my days longing for someone who smears me to make herself feel better.   She's also a huge FB user, who counts her "likes" and connects with people to increase her "friends" total.   When she blocked me, it devastated me. 

Glad you're here.  We're here for you.

Cheers,

JT

[NyGirl8]

Thanks LettingGo!  Yes, I am so very glad I found this board!  Really, without it, I know I wouldn't even be here, in this place in the detaching cycle.  I am so thankful to have found it!  Super glad you found it too!  And yes, people who smear to make themselves feel better... . yes, that is not Love, not what we deserve.  So, here we are... . getting through this together!

Thanks again everyone!  It is really amazing how responses help me in a time of weakness.  I promise to give back when others are feeling weak.