Coping with Work and BPDw

[LifeIsBeautiful]

My spouse is undiagnosed, but after reading through numerous resources and posting, very high chance she is and co-morbidity with few other things. Level 10 events occur as frequently as few times a week, really crazy bad stuff. She is not receptive to therapy and most of the time is in denial. Recently, she admitted her fears and mainly it has to do with health issues and rejoining the work force.

I'm feeling quite helpless, the former depends on treatment, and the latter is something more complicated. Let's just say that she isn't ready to go back to the work force; physically, emotionally, and mentally.

So I try to help myself first, before I can help her. It's been a struggle for me, lost motivation, confidence, generally pessimistic, lost of concentration, and signs of maybe depression. Yes I am being affected by her problems, which I know I shouldn't, as it's not my responsibility to solve her problems though I can give support. It's not enough for her, and I feel drained, disappointed, and numbed. I've read about seeking support systems,keeping in contact with family and friends,exercise etc. I feel isolated and talking about problems with others has never been comfortable for me, that's why I put off therapy. I realize that I'm having mental block, it is affecting me at work and in my r/s, and fearing I will lose both. Any words of help or advice will be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 

HEllo i am glad you found us.  my husband is high functioning also, I had to go to therapy to learn the tools and skills that they teach here, nothing changes without change.

slowly over the years for us things got better my story is up on top under success stores read them. glad you are here and just keep reading especial what we have over on right side >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

very important u understand what she has,

[an0ught]

  LifeIsBeautiful,

My spouse is undiagnosed, but after reading through numerous resources and posting, very high chance she is and co-morbidity with few other things. Level 10 events occur as frequently as few times a week, really crazy bad stuff. She is not receptive to therapy and most of the time is in denial. Recently, she admitted her fears and mainly it has to do with health issues and rejoining the work force.

I'm feeling quite helpless, the former depends on treatment, and the latter is something more complicated. Let's just say that she isn't ready to go back to the work force; physically, emotionally, and mentally.

 

if you look at the Holmes and Rahe stress scale "Spouse begins or stops work" is on a slightly higher level as "Trouble with boss". So even in the best and normal circumstances it ain't easy what you are dealing with. Of course BPD will magnify as stressful situation into something that tests your limits of coping.  

So I try to help myself first, before I can help her. It's been a struggle for me, lost motivation, confidence, generally pessimistic, lost of concentration, and signs of maybe depression. Yes I am being affected by her problems, which I know I shouldn't, as it's not my responsibility to solve her problems though I can give support. It's not enough for her, and I feel drained, disappointed, and numbed. I've read about seeking support systems,keeping in contact with family and friends,exercise etc. I feel isolated and talking about problems with others has never been comfortable for me, that's why I put off therapy. I realize that I'm having mental block, it is affecting me at work and in my r/s, and fearing I will lose both. Any words of help or advice will be appreciated.

This board won't replace professional advice. But writing here can help working a little on your block, getting some sensible feedback and lighten your burden. Posting makes a real difference to just reading!

On the practical side you are doing the right thing  ! You work on yourself first and foremost and there is no reason to be ashamed of it. You can't solve your wife's problem and likely trying to do so just blocks her to solve what she could solve. And you really can't avoid being affected by your wifes problems - that is totally unrealistic - you are living with her and you have a close and martial connection. You should of course try to LIMIT the effect that has on you and for that a study of boundaries can be helpful.

Go easy on yourself, life is hard enough already for you  

a0

[LifeIsBeautiful]

These year has been really bad. I think I'm having PTSD from the stress of the abuse and rage thrown at me, even with all the techniques that I had read it has been a struggle personally. My performance at work is suffering and there's real concern that I will have to go. Putting up with uBPDw's rage and disregulation while I'm at work had done more harm than I would imagine. I have been trying to get back on the saddle, but it's like heavy weights pulling me back all the time. Am I doing this to myself? Unsurprisingly that's what uBPDw thinks and takes no responsibility for this. Hope someone who is going through or went through the same experience can share if not give any advice. How to get back on my feet and at least function at work, before things get worse and I'm facing unemployment and financial stress as my SO stays home. Thanks.

[an0ught]

Hi LifeIsBeautiful,

when it rains it pours  

even with all the techniques that I had read it has been a struggle personally. My performance at work is suffering and there's real concern that I will have to go. Putting up with uBPDw's rage and disregulation while I'm at work had done more harm than I would imagine. I have been trying to get back on the saddle, but it's like heavy weights pulling me back all the time. Am I doing this to myself? Unsurprisingly that's what uBPDw thinks and takes no responsibility for this. Hope someone who is going through or went through the same experience can share if not give any advice. How to get back on my feet and at least function at work, before things get worse and I'm facing unemployment and financial stress as my SO stays home

Sound like you have an inkling what is going on but are unable to get a grip on it. After long and excessive periods of stress mechanisms the coping mechanisms that one turned to intuitively can fail or backfire. And at one point the fear of problems can become a problem itself becoming hard to control. Reaching out to a T may be wise.

You may find this book of some use - first from a immediate relief perspective gaining a better understanding of what might be happening, how to stop making it worse and second what options you have wrt. professional therapy: The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook - Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Would taking a therapeutic separation be possible? Agree to living separately for 3-6 months. I am sure she would not react well to that and they financial strain could be a burden though. If you could pull it off it would give you the space you need to recuperate. PTSD is serious and you definitely need to work out a plan now.

You have to take care of yourself somehow. Stop engaging her when she rages and remove yourself from the situation. Tell her you will be back in a set amount of time.

My gf finally attacked me one night. I left for a few days and set a firm boundary that if it happened again I would leave and never return. She has improved immensely. Its amazing how well they can control themselves when there is an expectation placed upon them. She can behave at work, so she should be able to control herself at home too.

You have to remove yourself from the abuse. It is her choice to rage at you. You can't control that. It's your choice to leave to protect yourself. It will be hard at first, but you will see positive results.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I had removed myself physically twice recently, and I do see some improvement now as she is beginning to realize the seriousness of it. I have to start focusing on myself, as I had neglected my own well being, I have to face the consequences by myself. I had started IC and gone twice, so far the advice was to try doing things to improve my outlook and relieve the stress. Sadly, I think depression had set in and I did not pay attention to the signs earlier. I am against separation for the reason that I think things will get worse from there, negative thoughts I know. I have to find a way to get out of the dark cloud. Thanks for the advice.