Happy Valentine's Day!
Today is my Birth. Day.
A
Valentine Birth.Day.
I've done a lot of self-reflection lately. I has taken many years to realize that;
my FOO is not OK. But
I am OK.
I've had difficulties, challenges. MANY.
Despite my upbringing/FOO, today-I can say, I feel pretty good about myself. My life has meaning. I don't have any regrets. I think few people can say that.
I think I am
remarkable.
It took
time to arrive here; it has often been a long, arduous, tedious journey. Alone.
Lately I've asked myself,
'How does one resolve that fact that you did not become a mess? That you did not become an alcoholic. That you did not become a drug addict. That you did not commit suicide. That you did not marry an abuser or become an abusive. Was my FOO not,
that bad? Did they they do BPD-
light? How does one negotiate that fact that they turn out turned out 'OK ? Even 'good', in some cases-despite FOO and related personal challenges? It doesn't add up. I came up with this:
Luckily, on my journey I crossed paths with teachers, neighbors, mentors, counselors, therapists, and a lover who listened to me, nurtured me, believed me... . helped me in large ways-and small-to
believe to in myself and in who I could be. Those people
changed .my. life. when everything else around me was a whirlwind of adult BPD chaos, drama and dysfunction. They comforted me and validated an inherent sense self worth when my broken FOO was failing miserably. Now, I want to be like that for others.
In relation to my Birth.Day I came up with this:
My Birth.Day... . is on
Valentines Day. It's significant. This day, associated with hearts, love, amor, colors red and pink, bouquets, flowers, roses, babies breath, chocolate, candy hearts, joy, happiness, cupid, angels, bow and arrow of love, couples, lovers, fancy restaurant dinners, jewelry, diamonds, SOS-
'someone special'. It is THE day of
Love.
When I was a kid, my UBPDmother used to tell me that I was the best Valentine's Day present she could have gotten.
She and my both my PDgrandmothers would make sure that I received a special, combined
'Valentine Birthday' card-not always easy to find. I got those cards for years-through college-and even now as a grown woman. In a jumble of negative, confusing FOO memories those cards stand out as one of the few things that validated what my FOO's behavior often invalidated; that I had
value. That I was
unique and
special.
Nobody else like me.
And as a kid I never knew anyone else who shared this birthday, so it was
all mine to feel special about! In my world,
no one else was born on the same day. So that meant... . I
had to be
special.
Having a Valentine-Birth.Day is meant
everything to the little girl who was flailing, caught up in a whirlwind of adult chaos, drama and dysfunction.
To the adolescent girl struggling to understand her UBPDmom's inappropriate behaviors. To the teenager still reeling from her parent's divorce, and forced to take sides between two adults and their warring family factions, coerced into abandoning
her own feelings in exchange for being part of a new, 'blended family', who was uprooted mid-school year to attend a new school in a new town and who struggled for some morsel of '
acceptance.'
To the young woman, who found herself with a good job but clinically depressed, in therapy and struggling in recovery from an eating disorder.
To the grown, adult woman who's been a-journeyin' alone, searching for years to find an elusive
'healing'... . to find freedom, and who finally feels like she's almost
done.
Almost... .
free.I'm writing this so that hopefully, anyone else who's been searching for their freedom, struggling to find some liberation can also find it by identifying what things
in your life made you feel
unique, specialness;
valuable.
Keep searching for the things that validated what you
already knew about yourself, despite what your FOO and others may have told you. Or that you were too scared to believe could possibly be true. :)ig deep; but
find it. And then,
hold on to it.
Because, a Valentine-Birth.Day validated for me what
I always knew about myself:
That I am NO MISTAKE.
That I am meant to be.
That I always
was.
